What do you get when you set a TV show during World War II, film it in the style of a '60s action pulp mag, and cram it full of enough alcohol to take down all of Nazi Germany? You get the ridiculously delightful Danger 5, a show about Nazis, spies, fighting, and drinking.
As you can clearly see in this screenshot from the show.
In addition to being televised entertainment at its finest, it holds the record of most drink requests I've received for one of these types of articles. I can't go into the comments section ...
... or on Facebook ...
... or even Twitter ...
... without someone requesting I try a drink from Danger 5.
Because I'm the kind of guy who always gives in to peer pressure, I decided to humbly poison myself with a ton of alcohol for your amusement as I have done before. Since I shamefully neglected such a great source of fictional cocktails in the past, I decided to focus solely on Danger 5 this go-around. But there's a lot of alcohol in that show. Seriously, have you seen it? They drink all the time. If I was going to do this, I was going to have to choose my cocktails wisely. And what better way to do that then go straight to the source? So I reached out to Danger 5's creators, Dario Russo and David Ashby, hoping they could offer me some guidance. Their response?
Well. Shit! If that's what the masterminds behind the show want, then that's what I'm going to do. So wish me luck as I drink six episodes' worth of Nazi-killing cocktails and try to cheat certain alcohol-related death.
7The Beyond Chunderdome
Allow me to present the Beyond Chunderdome. This is a drink for all your bros and bro-wannabes to chug and then immediately die. It comes from the episode of Danger 5 called "Final Victory," in which Adolf Hitler amasses a team of giant monsters a la Godzilla or Voltron. Also, the monsters are Nazis and one has a flaming chainsaw.
This was the only drink on the list that required prior preparation in the form of a freezer, so I drank it first. That may have been a mistake.
9 parts vodka
4 parts grape fruit drank
Serve in plastic cups
That cool, curvy glass up there is what nine parts vodka looks like. "Parts," I learned a bit too late in life, equates to an ounce or a little less than one full shot glass full of liquid. So, essentially, I'm expected to down nine shots of vodka in a single glass, which is a lot of fucking vodka. I mixed my vodka and laughable amount of grape juice into a cup and popped that sucker in the freezer overnight.
When I took it out the next day, I had a cold, purple slushee that smelled like everyone I hung out with in college. My first swig was actually not too bad. Anyone who has chugged vodka straight from the bottle can attest that it's not a big deal to gulp it down, especially if you're a seasoned drinker. The problem was the frozen slush and the grape juice made me want more because of the chilly, fruity aftertaste. I think the trick to this bad boy is that you'll want to drink as much as you can as fast as you can before your body knows it's poisoning itself. Before I knew it, the Chunderdome was gone and I was waking up naked, face down on my neighbor's lawn. Be that as it may, I would definitely recommend this drink to extremely depressed people who need to forget an entire evening, or to a small animal who wants to see what dying is like.
6The Swiss Kiss
After the Chunderdome knocked me on my ass, I really needed something that went down smooth and didn't beat the crap out of me. That's why I next went for the Swiss Kiss, from the episode "Fresh Meat For Hitler's Sex Kitchen." This episode is about prostitutes infected with a disease that turns anyone they bone into a Nazi. It also takes place in Switzerland, the home country of my new favorite drink in the whole, wide world.
Typical Swiss ...
2 parts creme de cacao
1 part vodka
Pour over crushed ice
Finish with chocolate flakes
Don't tell my wife, but I'd totally fuck this drink. If you're sampling the ingredients as you go along, then every part of this drink is just enchanting. After dumping the crushed ice into my glass, I combined the cacao and vodka. I topped it off with milk and then dug around my pantry for chocolate flakes. I didn't have any in flake form, but I had plenty of chocolate, so I opted for a frozen Reese's cup that I ran through a cheese grater. If Willy Wonka became an alcoholic, he'd have a river of this stuff flowing through his entire factory.
This drink is so smooth and sweet, you would think it was Patrick Stewart. Even though I almost broke up with vodka in my previous entry, all was forgiven when I tried this drink. It's probably akin to a white Russian or a dulce de leche rum cocktail of some variety, but for me it was like an alcoholic chocolate milk. Until I have children, I think this might be the most beautiful thing I have ever put together. In fact, I'm considering just keeping a crib full of these in place of actual children.