5 Reasons 'The Walking Dead' Has to Get Better
I love The Walking Dead. I've watched every episode of the show twice, and I still get excited every time a new one pops up in my queue. But even I have to admit that the disbelieving assholes are right: I don't watch it because it's a good show; I watch it because I really want it to be a good show. Because so far, rather than exploring what shape society will take after the zombie apocalypse, or how real, complicated human beings deal with such an awful scenario, The Walking Dead has been more concerned with what happens when obnoxious cliches from different ethnic backgrounds have to be roommates. That's a fine premise for a show, The Walking Dead writers, but you were supposed to be making an apocalyptic drama; what you guys did was The Real World: Zombieland. The first two seasons haven't been exploring the greater themes of the undead so much as they've been turning the camera on Lori and T-Dog fighting about who left the cheese uncovered, while every once in a while a zombie wanders by in the background, peeks in the windows and decides it probably doesn't want to get involved.
The lanes on the left represent the show's fanbase about halfway through the second season.
This should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway: I'm going to spoil everything, in every sense of the term, for everybody. I'm going to spoil the TV show, I'm going to spoil the books and I'm probably going to spoil your overall sunny outlook on life. So really, don't read any of this if you haven't finished the comics, or if you're not caught up on the show, or just ... at all. Don't read this. It's the only safe thing to do.
No More Red Shirts
"OH GOD! NOT JIMMY!" -- Nobody, ever. Not even Jimmy.
"You guys having an apocalypse? Can I come? I promise I'll be quiet; you won't even notice I'm there."
Shane Is Dead
"Hey, if y'all need to externalize every negative attribute of your personalities, I'll be in the shitter. Hit me up."
"Rape 'em, Rick!" "Well I don't see how that gets us a new air filter for the Bron-" "YOU'RE WEAK, RICK! YOU CAN'T PROTECT US!"
Dale Is Dead
"If we don't leave a note on that car we just scratched, we're no better than the walkers!"
Pictured: The last scion of human morality, about to shoot you in the dang face.
No More Burdens
"We love nature hikes and have no sense of direction; save us!"
"Oh. God. Dammit, Ashley. How did you even get up there? Do I have to get you a leash?!"
At Least They're Not on a Goddamn Farm Anymore
"The entire world is yours for the exploring. Come, dwell on me."
I know that's my joke analogy, but I'm pretty sure that would still somehow make for better watching than The Walking Dead so far.
Pictured: Not a fucking barn.
You can buy Robert's other book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook.
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