But "morning larks" aren't just annoying because they're chipper as a squirrel with a nut made of amphetamines; they're also annoying because they enjoy all kinds of advantages merely because they're on a different schedule. Studies have shown that they may be happier and skinnier, and that they may even live longer. All of that, even though they very well might be dumber than night owls. Basically the only negative thing they morning larks have to deal with is the appropriately Ned Flandersian moniker of "morning larks." And you get the sense that they don't even mind it.

If those benefits aren't enough to convince you, inventor / founding father / rap lyric Benjamin Franklin literally wrote a book on the virtues of getting up early (called Early Rising: A Natural, Social, And Religious Duty), and that guy was so good at sex that he was basically magic. That's a tough endorsement to look away from.

Now, I'm sure some of you don't believe all the hoopla about the biological benefits of being an early riser because we've pointed out that sleep science is about as conclusive as a paternity test dropped in a hotel hot tub. Even so, we should still all become morning people because society stacks the deck for them.

Natfot/PixabayThink of the food money you'll be saving from all the free worms you get to eat.

Take school, for example. School starts early, so the morning people in the student body (if you can call kids people) are the only ones who aren't asleep for the first third of their classes each day. Naturally, that leads to them getting better grades, because school is unfairly prejudiced for the awake. Now who do you think is getting the better jobs after graduation? And therefore setting the schedules of tomorrow's workplaces? And therefore setting the time tomorrow's parents need to drop their kids off at school in order to not be late to work? It's rigged!

I know how annoying you find the chipper morning person trying to discuss Lip Sync Battle with you at 9 a.m. But if we can't beat them, we gotta consider joining their Stepford existence and begrudgingly enjoying the success, thinness, and extended lifespan that comes with it. Or at least an extended lifespan if you aren't choked to death by a night owl who found you just too annoying.

The Placebo Effect is very real, and so reliable that researchers are actually pretty blase about it. It's so reliable, in fact, that it's easy to forget that it's completely unexplained belief magic. You can take a person with a disease and give them fake medication -- usually a sugar pill that isn't good for curing anything more than an unsweetened cranberry juice -- and if they believe it is medicine that will cure them, there is a very real chance it will do just that. Just so we're all on the same page here, believing something will make you better causes you to get better. What the actual fuck? That is straight-up wizardry, and not how the material world is supposed to function. It's as if reality itself is bending to accommodate people who won't even appreciate how totally insane that is.

frolicsomepl/Pixabay"I don't think you understand, these cured your diabetes." "Pretty cool, huh?!" "They're just painted Mike and Ikes and M&Ms!" "And ...?"

Why aren't self-awareness and anxiety about the future of democracy a miracle cure for random diseases? Those are traits the world could do with more of -- not the ability to believe in utter bullshit like the healing power of crystals or that a wine of the month club will make you more cultured. But no, we should all be cultivating our gullibility. Because apparently, nature has decided that people who believe any bullshit written on a bottle are the ones who should live to 110.

Instead of happiness following from success, it appears to be success that follows from happiness -- and not just in business. A summary of numerous studies explains that happy people become more successful in marriage, friendship, income, work performance, and health. Being happy is a) not directly linked to your life circumstances and b) better in almost every measurable way, at every juncture.

So if you're putting up with being unhappy now, begrudgingly paying your dues by shoving coal into the engine of capitalism, hoping for future success and happiness, you're actually holding yourself back from both. Meanwhile, your happy-go-lucky shovelmate is going to end up your boss in part just because he's happier than you are.

There's a reason that the American Lung Association lists "telling friends and family" as one of the five keys to successfully quitting smoking. Public declarations of goals help people adhere to those goals. Whether you're trying to lose weight, exercise more, or set a record for how often people roll their eyes after you finish talking, publicly declaring your goals can be a huge help. By talking to other people about your goals, you put social pressure on yourself to stick to them. If you make yourself look like an asshole by talking about running a marathon, you'll have to actually run it. Because as bad as it is to be the person who always talks about their marathon, you don't want to become the person who failed to run a marathon.

The same goes for anything else you might be working on -- diets, journaling, volunteering, or looking through old records about Ben Franklin to see if you can pick up any tips.

The fact that you can gradually train yourself to become an irrationally positive, early-rising, faith-having, marathon talker is both extremely useful for those of you who heed the advice of this article and conclusive proof that I do not belong on this planet. To turn yourself into a happier, more optimistic person, researchers have found it's best to just act like an extroverted, happier, more optimistic person, whether you actually feel that way or not. The mere act of pretending to have these traits can gradually cause you to take them on permanently. It's simultaneously inspiring and more disturbing than a hagfish raised in a vat of mayonnaise.

All this would be easier to bear if it weren't for the fact that, in spite of all their advantages, optimistic people are objectively incorrect about how they relate to the world. It isn't just me being a "glass half empty" kind of guy. Studies repeatedly find optimistic people to be kind of delusional. They metaphorically see a half full glass as 80 percent full. (Or as they would say, "pretty goshdarn full!") They systematically overestimate how much power they have to effect outcomes, and are more likely to take credit for wins while shrugging off failures. In fact, truly seeing the world accurately -- rather than in some irrationally positive light -- is a major sign of depression. A fact that, ironically, is depressing as hell.

They can't even enjoy this song about that, because they can see the truth.

So now we come to the Cracked people (hey, "crackheads" is a fun name I just thought up for us). Are the people who love reading about terrible murderers and tragic deaths simply because they're true supposed to become positivity-seeking, truth-avoidant jagoffs because it's healthier and happier to do so? Isn't there something creepy about intentionally altering your behaviors, thought patterns, and even general outlook on the world? Doesn't the thought of trading an accurate view of the world for ignorant happiness give you the willies? Absolutely. But also your new, happier, sexier, more successful self won't care.

I gotta say, I'm honestly torn. I place a really high value on knowing the truth. Not just because it might be useful if I ever get transported back in time like in my dreams, but just because it's true. On the other hand, I also place a high value on being alive. The fact that those things are in opposition to one another frustrates me to no end. It makes me want to book a Space X flight just so I can scream "Fuck you, Universe!" at the Universe from outer space. To which I can only imagine it would reply "Ben Franklin already did!" Dude was unstoppable.

Aaron Kheifets writes things for money, including this sentence. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter.

One of our most popular episodes from 2016 was when we invited Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark from 'My Favorite Murder' to talk about some of the best true-crime stories out there. So successful, in fact, that we're resurrecting it (get it?) for a part two! Metal Fang, the Strangling Executioner and the murderer living in the attic just weren't enough. So Jack O'Brien, Dan O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Karen and Georgia back for another creepy hour of serial killers and urban legends that are bound to make you terrified to go outside or talk to a stranger or do anything.

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