4

Believe In Complete Bullshit Without Question

People who sincerely believe "Everything works out for the best" manage to keep a smile on their face and a spring in their step as though they've never heard of major events in human history. (That, or they have a very dark understanding of what "working out for the best" means.) But whether it's a product of ignorance or naturally unflappable positivity, believing in the power of complete horseshit can literally save your life.

Kasman/Pixabay"It pulled me and my family out of a burning car crash. Sure, we smelled pretty bad for a while, but better than the alternative."

3

Believe In Yourself, No Matter How Much Evidence There Is To The Contrary

We all know the dangers of coddling the youths of today: They'll grow up to think they can do anything, only to get smacked down by a harsh reality outside the nest that they're totally unprepared for. And that reality is that in the grown-up world, you can't be whatever you want to be. You work a difficult job. You do it diligently, whether or not it makes you happy, because it's your job, dammit. Then, once you've climbed the ladder of success, you get to be happy for 15 minutes before you die.

Rawpixel/iStock"I shouldn't have spent five minutes getting this coffee ..."

2

Talk About Your Bullshit To Everyone

Have you ever known someone for a long time and then found out they run marathons? Of course you haven't, because people who run marathons talk about that shit constantly. Is that because they just want to brag about their accomplishments? Absolutely. But do they also reap an additional benefit by making you feel bad in comparison? Even absolutlier.

laflor/iStock"In life, some people go the extra mile. I go the extra 26.2. Get it?!"

1

Pretend To Be An Annoyingly Positive Person, Even If You Aren't

"But I'm just not naturally annoying!" you worry to yourself baselessly. Fear not, you can make yourself actually annoying by artificially assuming the above behaviors. Because what's more annoying than someone suddenly putting on a chipper attitude?

And, equally annoyingly, with the fake habits will come real advantages. Even if you weren't born seeing the world through magenta lenses, you can train yourself to become one of those people. It doesn't matter if your positivity is completely fabricated -- you still reap the benefits as you begin to slowly transform, like Dr. Jekyll and HR Director Jekyll.

laflor/iStock"26.2?! So funny! Tell me more about the bleeding nipples and lost toenails!"

The fact that you can gradually train yourself to become an irrationally positive, early-rising, faith-having, marathon talker is both extremely useful for those of you who heed the advice of this article and conclusive proof that I do not belong on this planet. To turn yourself into a happier, more optimistic person, researchers have found it's best to just act like an extroverted, happier, more optimistic person, whether you actually feel that way or not. The mere act of pretending to have these traits can gradually cause you to take them on permanently. It's simultaneously inspiring and more disturbing than a hagfish raised in a vat of mayonnaise.

All this would be easier to bear if it weren't for the fact that, in spite of all their advantages, optimistic people are objectively incorrect about how they relate to the world. It isn't just me being a "glass half empty" kind of guy. Studies repeatedly find optimistic people to be kind of delusional. They metaphorically see a half full glass as 80 percent full. (Or as they would say, "pretty goshdarn full!") They systematically overestimate how much power they have to effect outcomes, and are more likely to take credit for wins while shrugging off failures. In fact, truly seeing the world accurately -- rather than in some irrationally positive light -- is a major sign of depression. A fact that, ironically, is depressing as hell.

They can't even enjoy this song about that, because they can see the truth.

So now we come to the Cracked people (hey, "crackheads" is a fun name I just thought up for us). Are the people who love reading about terrible murderers and tragic deaths simply because they're true supposed to become positivity-seeking, truth-avoidant jagoffs because it's healthier and happier to do so? Isn't there something creepy about intentionally altering your behaviors, thought patterns, and even general outlook on the world? Doesn't the thought of trading an accurate view of the world for ignorant happiness give you the willies? Absolutely. But also your new, happier, sexier, more successful self won't care.

I gotta say, I'm honestly torn. I place a really high value on knowing the truth. Not just because it might be useful if I ever get transported back in time like in my dreams, but just because it's true. On the other hand, I also place a high value on being alive. The fact that those things are in opposition to one another frustrates me to no end. It makes me want to book a Space X flight just so I can scream "Fuck you, Universe!" at the Universe from outer space. To which I can only imagine it would reply "Ben Franklin already did!" Dude was unstoppable.

Aaron Kheifets writes things for money, including this sentence. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter.

One of our most popular episodes from 2016 was when we invited Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark from 'My Favorite Murder' to talk about some of the best true-crime stories out there. So successful, in fact, that we're resurrecting it (get it?) for a part two! Metal Fang, the Strangling Executioner and the murderer living in the attic just weren't enough. So Jack O'Brien, Dan O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Karen and Georgia back for another creepy hour of serial killers and urban legends that are bound to make you terrified to go outside or talk to a stranger or do anything.

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