Demetri Martin Forgot You Can’t Pee in New York

Welcome back, Demetri Martin!  After years of living in the cultural wasteland known as Los Angeles, a visit to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert brought the comedian back to New York, the city he called home for the previous 15 years. Martin sounded happy to finally be back, especially with beautiful weather making it possible to revisit his old haunts.  

“I got to walk around today,” Martin told Colbert. “I went to places I used to go and hang out and everything. It’s weird when you live somewhere for a while, then you move. I’m now 15 years in California so it’s as long as I was here. I’m like, ‘Oh, I’m not local anymore.’”

The real reminder that Martin is no longer an official New Yorker came when he remembered a crucial fact of Big Apple life. “I was walking around, and it was beautiful. I went to Bryant Park, had lunch and then I had to pee.” Bing bing bing! The lightbulbs around Martin’s head lit up like a Broadway marquee. “I forgot. You can’t pee anywhere in New York. No one will let you. You can’t pee anywhere. No one has a bathroom, they won’t let you in. Oh man.”

But having spent so many years away, Martin now has an outsider’s perspective. “I was like, ‘I get it now.' Everybody is in such a rush in New York because they have to pee. People are trying to go, they’re trying to get somewhere to pee. Even the cab drivers are like, ‘Get out of the way, I’ve got to pee.’”

Colbert was down with Martin’s theory and even offered a corollary: “There’s nowhere to pee… other than everywhere. That’s the darker, deeper truth.”

Martin nodded his agreement. “No one can pee anywhere, but someone is peeing everywhere,” he said. “It balances.” 

Since Martin was last in New York, his kids have grown up quite a bit, now ages 7 and 10. “Just last year, my wife brought them to see me live for the first time, which was kind of exciting,” the comic revealed. “It was cool.”

After the show, Martin came off stage, super excited to see what his kids would think. “My daughter was there, the first person I saw when I got off,” he said. “She came up to me right away and gave me a hug.” Martin asked her what she thought of his performance, and the reply came as a whisper in the comic’s ear: “We watched for a few minutes and then it got boring so we came backstage.”

That’s how it goes with kids, but don’t worry, said Martin, “She was punished severely.”