15 Demetri Martin Jokes for the Hall of Fame

15 On Hand Soap

“My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It’s nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it’s the worst soap possible: ‘I can’t tell if I made any progress in this situation. This is how I started out. This sucks.’”

14 On Burritos

“My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, ‘That burrito did not agree with me.’ I was like, ‘Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.’”

13 On Drunk Driving

“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. “‘Dude, make a left.’

“‘Those are trees.’

“‘Trust me.’”

12 On Video Games

“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I want to design a video game where you have to take care of all the people who’ve been shot in all the other games. 

“‘Hey man, what are you playing?’

“‘Really Busy Hospital. It’s very difficult — this patient was shot in the head 57 times.’”

11 On the Benefits of Having One Arm

“I saw a guy at the mall, he had one arm. I was like, ‘Oh man, that’s gotta be rough. That sucks to have just one arm.’ Then I thought, ‘Until you get arrested’: ‘What, are you gonna put an uncomfortable bracelet on me? Thanks for the weapon, cop.’”

10 On Dog Moms

“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars. Like I was in the park and I met this girl; she was cute, and she had a dog. I went up to her, and we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ 

“She said, ‘No.’ 

“And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? Liar.’”

9 On Swimming

“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants? Uh oh. Bathing suit? Okay. Naked? We’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?”

8 On Being an Ally

“I’m in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I’m not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put ‘Not gay.’ But I’m not against gays, so under that I’ll have to put ‘...But supportive.’ It’s weird how one group of people took refracted light. That’s very greedy, gays.”

7 On Heart Attacks

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades — especially if your teammates are bad. I guess the only worst time would be during a game of ‘Fake Heart Attack,’ followed by ‘Naps.’”

6 On Loving Kids

“I heard this lady say, ‘I love kids.’ 

“That’s nice. A little weird though. It’s like saying, ‘I like people — for a little while.’ ‘How old are you? 14? Fuck off!’

“You can say, ‘I love kids,’ as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific that you get into trouble: ‘I love 12-year-olds.’”

5 On Skiing

“Skiing is my favorite sport, because it’s the only sport that is actually better to watch the worse the person is at it. 

“‘That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics.’

“‘Oh yeah, that’s cool, I wanna watch the fat guy. Come on dude, you can take that hill!’”

4 On Graffiti

“I don’t like graffiti — unless it teaches me something. Like, ‘Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known that.’ Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is. It’s always like, ‘U2 Rocks!’ or ‘Bush sucks!’ I want to make indifferent graffiti: ‘Toy Story 2 was okay!’ or ‘This is a bridge!’”

3 On Pets

“It seems like there’s a fine line between having a pet and having a hostage from a different species. You go to somebody’s house: ‘Close the door, he’ll get out! Close the door, he’ll get out!’

“‘Okay, what kind of relationship do you have with this dog, exactly?’”

2 On Treehouses

“A treehouse is really insensitive. That’s like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.”

1 On Party Etiquette

“I believe that you can learn something in every situation. Like last summer, I was at a party, and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool. Location, location, location.”