15 Offensive Jokes From Comedians Who Have Mastered the Dark Arts
Comedy isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes, a comedian feels compelled to stare into the void, and see what kind of depression, nihilism and xenophobia stares back.
Ricky Gervais Trying to Get into the Holiday Spirit
“First of December: World AIDS Day. I don’t think it’ll ever take off like Christmas.”
Jimmy Carr on Meeting Women
“I was out with a friend, and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him, ‘They’re like buses.’ He said, ‘What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.’ I said, ‘No, they are like buses!’”
Katherine Ryan with a Somewhat More Fair Take on Women’s Body Issues
“We want you to be smaller so that you take up less space. That’s not your space. What if a man wants to golf in it?”
Michael McIntyre on Wealth Disparity
“I love doing bedtime stories, but it must be tough for the royals: ‘And then the prince and the princess banqueted with all the kings of all the kingdoms, and they kissed on the lawn of the magnificent palace… the end. Anyway, enough about my day, what book are we going to read?’”
Paul Merton on Identifying Dead Bodies
“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
Russell Howard Trying to Get to the Bottom of What’s Appropriate to Celebrate
“If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not for ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm… it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Did you run out of eggs?’”
Tim Vine’s Heart Is in the Right Place, But He Ends Up on PETA’s Bad Side Anyway
“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”
Sarah Millican Is Always Prepared
“My dad always told me there’s three things you need to have in the boot of your car: a blanket, a shovel and a flask. And he’s right — because whenever I’ve killed a man, I’m parched.”
Eddie Izzard on the Hazards of Her Early Transition
“I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Because if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.”
Milton Jones on Warm Memories with His Mother
“One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face, through the oven window, as we played hide and seek. And she said, ‘You’re getting warmer.’”
Jack Whitehall on Support Bracelets
“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’; I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
George Carlin Understands That You — the Person Reading This — Are Statistically Probably a Little Dumb
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
Anthony Jeselnik on an Unfortunate Genetic Predisposition
“I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation. So, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.”
Frankie Boyle on Proving the Haters Wrong
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now — alcoholic and a racist!
Norm Macdonald’s Tragically Pessimistic Take on Folks Battling a Disease
“And the reason I don’t like it is ‘cause in the old days, they’d go, ‘Hey, that old man died.’ Now, they go, ‘Hey, he lost his battle.’ That’s no way to end your life, you know? What a loser that guy was. Last thing he did was lose.”
