7 Real Ads (That Were Clearly Made By Insane Nihilists)

Don't do anything a doctor says if that doctor is a baby. That's common sense, people. Even worse is the ad for this one:

First of all, if the ghost of a nurse emerges from your sun lamp to discuss its benefits, something is definitely not on the up and up. Second and last of all, lamps cannot prevent the flu. We're on to your tricks, lamp-ghost.

Holy shit! Rapists? Absent police? Criminals not queuing orderly? What a world we live in! And that's clearly the intent of the ads -- this is a dangerous world, so you'll need a gun to protect yourself.

The ads are a little inconsistent, though. While some of them suggest that you can always get the drop on an attacker if you're carrying a gun, one of them, in its haste to condemn your cowardly neighbors, seems to think you can't do that. Also, why should you worry about a rapist cutting your throat when one of the nearby robbers or murderers might end up taking care of him for you? They're not waiting in a line, after all.

Because of the way hips work, women need the skirt to be a little bit wider than their waist, but because they also need it to fit tightly and not fall off, there are these gaps called "plackets," which get sealed with little buttons once the garment is on. They're meant to be concealed, though you might not have guessed how severe a problem it was until you saw the look of complete disgust on this guy's face:

What's happening here -- which medical experts evidently call "gap-osis" -- is that a woman is shifting in a certain way to leave gaps between these buttons, revealing her disgusting skin to the world. Look at this shameful shambles:

These days, this problem might be solved with something we call "better clothing design" or "a zipper," but back in the day, it was solved with a Talon slide fastener, which meant ... "a zipper." You might think this is a trivial thing to worry about, but you'd be wrong, and were you alive in the '40s, you'd also be doomed to walk the planet alone as a spinster.

If your vagina has such a strong odor that people in your workplace can smell it, you need a doctor, not some bullshit wipes. And if your bullshit wipes have such a strong scent that people in your workplace can smell them, you're using way too many of them. Or one's stuck to your shoe.

Asking for a raise is a stressful thing to do, and a world with a persistent wage gap poses a unique set of challenges to a woman. But instead of sponsoring a sane list of tips for getting a raise, Summer's Eve has instead brought us a nonsensical pitch for vagina wipes.

In case you didn't click on that video because all things Hummer-related disgust and repel you, it's basically a bunch of apocalyptic imagery -- thunderstorms, floods, extreme wind conditions -- and the following copy:

After disaster strikes, most people run from point A to point B. Then there are a qualified few who run from point B to point A.

Then, over footage of a Hummer driving through a flooded street, they put the word "HOPE," which is an acronym for "Hummer Owners Prepared for Emergencies." This was a real group, by the way. It started as a group of Hummer owners who wanted to help out during natural disasters, using their Hummers to help deliver medical supplies and save damsels and what not. They were kindly rejected, but after setting up some training programs for participants -- first aid and driving -- they were ultimately treated as volunteer Red Cross members.

Despite the good intentions of the members, as an ad, this feels a little shady to us. Like it's more of an attempt to rebrand the reputation of Hummer owners from gas-guzzling, car-crushing jerks into something, anything else. Truck heroes? Sure, why not. Worse, it kind of feels like it's preying on people's childish hero fantasies, encouraging underprepared people to drive toward danger. There might be a reason the program isn't around anymore.

Look! Here they are at it again:

Now don't get us wrong, it is important not to give babies milk full of flies and leopards or whatever else stalked the landscape in the 1920s. But the tone of these ads is less "This can help your baby stay healthy!" and more "ALERT, ALERT, YOU WILL GO TO HELL IF YOU DON'T BUY OUR PRODUCT, YOU SELFISH, MISERLY ASSHOLE." Which is exactly what every parent needs after their baby is born: klaxon-like alarms and accusations.

And what is with these ads being weirdly obsessed with flies? How did that ad meeting play out? One executive all, "But isn't temperature-related milk spoiling more relevant?" and getting pelted to death with Thermoses by the crazed anti-fly faction? Would have made for a hell of a Mad Men episode.

Listerine made a ton of these ads, and their impact was huge. Have you heard the expression "always a bridesmaid, but never the bride"? Guess how that entered the popular culture? Fucking Listerine, that's how!

Men didn't get off entirely, either. According to Listerine, they could and would definitely be fired over their breath. Oh, and check out this one. Even when the ads take on a more positive tone, they have a knife hidden within them.

The kicker, as we've discussed before, is that Listerine damn near invented the term "halitosis" to use in these ads, leaning heavily on the implication that their product wasn't any old mouth soap, but was curing a medical condition. This tactic was so successful that it influenced the entire ad industry, instigating a new wave of fear-based advertising using what was eventually called the "halitosis appeal."

Oh! There's a second kicker! Listerine may well be bullshit and not cure bad breath! So if you were trying to save your marriage with it, that might not work. Sorry. Maybe try some flowers, or light bondage, or even a vagina wipe instead.

Nimby Smith has a Twitter, and, if any Hollywood agents are reading this, several scripts. And even if they aren't.

Also check out 5 Ridiculously Offensive Ads That Somehow Got Approved and 13 Wildly Irresponsible Vintage Ads Aimed At Kids.

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