6

1980s NRA Ads Made You Scared To Go Outside

The NRA famously advocates for gun manufacturers in America, and as you'd expect for a topic so politically charged, there are favorable and unfavorable ways to view them and their activities. We'll dance around that whole debate a little bit, and instead focus on one thing they've done which is a little hard to get behind: their advertising.

NRA

5

These Ads Take Place In A World Where Men Are Repulsed At The Sight Of Women's Skin

You know that thing with men where they get disgusted when they see a small part of a woman's skin? You didn't know that? That sounds kind of absurd to you, like it's the exact opposite of how men feel about bare skin? Huh. It's almost like the people making the ads for Talon slide fasteners have no idea what they're talking about.

Talon

4

Summer's Eve Wants You to Know That Washing Your Vagina Is An Essential Step To Getting A Raise

Millennials get blamed for "killing" things all the time. Diamonds, golf courses -- really, anything which requires money. And buckle the fuck up, because we've got some more bad news for you: Douching is also on the decline. That's probably a good thing, incidentally, because douching isn't good for you. But if your entire business is selling douche, then it's obviously a cause for concern. Enter the marketing department, and oh, what have they brought with them:

Summer's Eve

If your vagina has such a strong odor that people in your workplace can smell it, you need a doctor, not some bullshit wipes. And if your bullshit wipes have such a strong scent that people in your workplace can smell them, you're using way too many of them. Or one's stuck to your shoe.

3

If You Have A Hummer, You Can Drive Into A Hurricane For Some Reason

The Hummer was a car-shaped mountain that reached its peak in popularity in the mid-2000s, when cheap gas and hubris filled the land. But that wasn't enough for the marketers at GM, who sought to prey on anxiety about natural disasters with ads like this one:

In case you didn't click on that video because all things Hummer-related disgust and repel you, it's basically a bunch of apocalyptic imagery -- thunderstorms, floods, extreme wind conditions -- and the following copy:

After disaster strikes, most people run from point A to point B. Then there are a qualified few who run from point B to point A.

Noebu/Wiki Commons

Then, over footage of a Hummer driving through a flooded street, they put the word "HOPE," which is an acronym for "Hummer Owners Prepared for Emergencies." This was a real group, by the way. It started as a group of Hummer owners who wanted to help out during natural disasters, using their Hummers to help deliver medical supplies and save damsels and what not. They were kindly rejected, but after setting up some training programs for participants -- first aid and driving -- they were ultimately treated as volunteer Red Cross members.

Despite the good intentions of the members, as an ad, this feels a little shady to us. Like it's more of an attempt to rebrand the reputation of Hummer owners from gas-guzzling, car-crushing jerks into something, anything else. Truck heroes? Sure, why not. Worse, it kind of feels like it's preying on people's childish hero fantasies, encouraging underprepared people to drive toward danger. There might be a reason the program isn't around anymore.

2

If You Don't Use A Thermos, Your Baby Will Die

Did you know that one time Thermoses saved babies from dying? It's true, according to the unbiased people at Thermos, who at one point in their history used to love explaining how "a fly in the milk may mean a baby in the grave."

Thermos

Look! Here they are at it again:

Thermos

Now don't get us wrong, it is important not to give babies milk full of flies and leopards or whatever else stalked the landscape in the 1920s. But the tone of these ads is less "This can help your baby stay healthy!" and more "ALERT, ALERT, YOU WILL GO TO HELL IF YOU DON'T BUY OUR PRODUCT, YOU SELFISH, MISERLY ASSHOLE." Which is exactly what every parent needs after their baby is born: klaxon-like alarms and accusations.

1

Listerine's Ads Were Designed To Make You Feel Like You'd Be Forever Alone

We all know bad breath is a disaster, capable of ruining dates, interviews, and treaty negotiations. And if you didn't know, you could always check out this series of ads from Listerine, which pretty categorically state that not only do you almost certainly have bad breath, but you will also end up alone and unloved because of it.

Listerine

Listerine made a ton of these ads, and their impact was huge. Have you heard the expression "always a bridesmaid, but never the bride"? Guess how that entered the popular culture? Fucking Listerine, that's how!

Listerine

Men didn't get off entirely, either. According to Listerine, they could and would definitely be fired over their breath. Oh, and check out this one. Even when the ads take on a more positive tone, they have a knife hidden within them.

Listerine

The kicker, as we've discussed before, is that Listerine damn near invented the term "halitosis" to use in these ads, leaning heavily on the implication that their product wasn't any old mouth soap, but was curing a medical condition. This tactic was so successful that it influenced the entire ad industry, instigating a new wave of fear-based advertising using what was eventually called the "halitosis appeal."

Oh! There's a second kicker! Listerine may well be bullshit and not cure bad breath! So if you were trying to save your marriage with it, that might not work. Sorry. Maybe try some flowers, or light bondage, or even a vagina wipe instead.

Nimby Smith has a Twitter, and, if any Hollywood agents are reading this, several scripts. And even if they aren't.

Also check out 5 Ridiculously Offensive Ads That Somehow Got Approved and 13 Wildly Irresponsible Vintage Ads Aimed At Kids.

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