18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 18, 2023

18 Zach Galifianakis on His Name

“I’m named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.”

17 Jenny Slate on Synagogues Versus Churches

“The synagogue I went to when I was a kid looked like a Chinese restaurant from the 1970s without windows, and it was such a bummer. And I went into this place and was like, ‘Holy shit, churches are just little castles for God.’”

16 Mitch Hedberg on Vending Machine Snacks

“I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.”

15 Kyle Kinane on Waterfalls

“Now, I’m not a God-fearing man, but if I was going to believe in something, it would be the moment in which you’re staring at a waterfall alone and going, ‘Oh man, whoever created this, that’s their tapestry cascading over their own creation, and this is amazing.’ But there’s always going to be a voice that says, ‘Hey Kyle, what if waterfalls are just rivers trying to kill themselves?’”

14 Jimmy Carr on Charity Gigs

“I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said, ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’”

13 Robin Williams on Chairs

“I wonder what chairs think about all day: ‘Oh, here comes another asshole.’”

12 Chelsea Peretti on Making an Entrance

“I read this woman’s magazine, and it said, ‘If you feel nervous at parties, here are some conversation starters!’ One of the things was, ‘Wear a funky necklace, and that’ll help break the ice.’ And I’m just like, why not go big? Why not just walk into a party, just dragging a dead dog? That will get lips a-flappin’.”

11 Lewis Black on Windchill

“They’ve got to stop reporting windchill. That’s nonsense; it really is. I don’t know where they came up with it or why they came up with it; it’s a lie. They come up and say, ‘Well, it’s 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it’s minus-three.’ Well then, it’s minus-three, asshole! I don’t need to know what the weather is like if conditions were perfect.”

10 Deon Cole’s Murderer Theory

“You ever be with a woman you have to drop off at home? You pull up to her house, you gotta wait until she gets out the car, walk up the gangway, get to the door, put the key in the door, turn it. Then she leans back and does this, and then you are supposed to pull off, right? Stupidest thing ever. Every time I pull off, I can’t help but to think, ‘I wonder if the murderer is inside the house. It’s just not a lot of porch killings. I would think he would be in a house like the rest of the murderers do.’”

9 Rodney Dangerfield on His Sexual Prowess

“I’m a bad lover. Once, I caught a peeping tom booing me.”

8 Daniel Tosh on Money

“‘Money doesn’t buy happiness.’ Uh, do you live in America? ’Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can’t! They’re so awesome; it’s just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren’t laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing’s not gonna bring him back. He’s dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. ‘I didn’t wanna get wet!’ I yelled at his mother at the funeral.”

7 Dana Gould on Evil Babies

“I’m walking down the street with a friend of mine, not to brag, and he has a cell phone with him. And he pulls up a picture of a baby, but from like the ‘40s — like an old photo of a baby. And he goes, ‘Isn’t this a cute baby?’ I’m like, ‘My god, it’s like the cutest baby I’ve ever seen in my life!’ He goes, ‘Yeah, that’s Charles Manson.’

“My first thought was, ‘Oh, screw that baby! If I ever met that baby, I’d kick it right in the throat!’ 

“If I had a time machine, I would go back and get baby Hitler and use him as a club to beat baby Manson to death. It would look weird in the moment. You’d get a crowd. You’d just have to explain, ‘It’s okay! These are very evil babies!’”

6 Steve Harvey on the Band in ‘Titanic’

“You saw Titanic. The band was playing as the ship went down. What Black band you know gonna keep playing with the damn ship goin’ down? Kool & the Gang would have been unplugging shit: ‘Man, let’s get the fuck out of here.’”

5 Dave Chappelle on Police Brutality

“That brutality thing? That’s common knowledge, man. There was a time when only minorities only knew about that. I’m not saying white people didn’t believe us, but you were a little skeptical. I don’t blame you, but then Newsweek printed it, and you knew it was true. Reading Newsweek, white people were like, ‘Oh my God. Honey, did you see this? Apparently, the police have been beating up Negroes like hotcakes!’”

4 Hannibal Buress on Health Tips

“I’m in awful shape. I’m trying to get in better shape. My girlfriend, she’s in good shape. She gives me health tips sometimes, like, ‘Hannibal, you’re going to die.’ Stuff like that.”

3 Jerry Seinfeld on Leather

“I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, ‘Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!’”

2 Jim Gaffigan on His Faith

“I don’t go to church or follow the church teachings, but I root for Notre Dame. So I’m Catholic.”

1 George Carlin on America’s Favorite Pastime

“This country is only 200 years old, and we’ve had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country, so we’re good at it! And it’s a good thing we are; we’re not very good at anything else anymore! Can’t build a decent car. Can’t make a TV set or a VCR worth a fuck. Got no steel industry left, can’t educate our young people, can’t get health care for our old people, but we can bomb the shit out of your country, alright! Especially if your country is full of brown people. Oh, we like that, don’t we? That’s our hobby! That’s our new job in the world: bombing brown people.”