Behold, The Crack Pipe Vending Machines of Long Island

If you discovered a vending machine that dispensed crack pipes, you could be forgiven for thinking that you'd accidentally wandered into Ozzy Osbourne's dreamscape, Inception-style. Or that you were paying a visit to Brookhaven, Long Island, where residents just discovered for-realises paraphernalia dispensers hiding in plain sight on the streets of their fair town.

The existence of these machines was revealed in a press conference earlier this week, where local officials described how three such machines were found at a bus stop, the curb outside an apartment complex, and a Home Depot, although we don't think it'd be too difficult to figure out who was using that last one. You'd just have to look for the guys doing home repairs at 4 a.m.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

This was a sophisticated operation, too. A closer examination of the machines, which were labelled as selling "PENS," showed that they were originally used to dispense tampons before, presumably, someone stole and modified them to dispense crack pipes -- or to the perpetually clueless, uncomfortable glass tampons. Users would deposit eight quarters and receive a small glass pipe and a filter in return. In order to help the machines blend in better, they were installed in the concrete and provided contact details for a maintenance line. The number was fake, for reasons that should be obvious.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

It's not known who installed the machines, but local officials have warned residents to stay vigilant and alert the authorities if they see any suspicious-looking construction crews -- but not before asking them if they wouldn't mind patching up the roads while they're at it.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should definitely subscribe to.

Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out Who Exactly Are The Skrulls, The Next Big Marvel Villains? and How Denver Airport Is Trolling Conspiracy Theory Nuts HARD.

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on Facebook. Because why not?

To turn on reply notifications, click here

14 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

6 Very Stupid Questions With Very Smart Answers

No serious person would ask these questions ... but we got serious answers anyway.

139

5 Underreported Dumb Annoyances Pro Athletes Put Up With

Being at the top of your game can really drag you down.

131

4 Horrible Biases That Are Baked Into Everybody's Brain

Sometimes our big, dumb brains are just flat-out wrong.

169

5 'Bad' Movies That Everybody Manages To Get Wrong

Every critic is wrong from time to time.

159

6 Actors Whose Favorite Roles Aren't What You'd Guess

Your favorite isn't necessarily your best -- sometimes it's your worst.

153