18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 12, 2023

Have you ever thought that humor might save your life? Like if a guy with a knife came at you, but making him laugh either satisfied his bloodlust or gave you a distraction to escape? Maybe it could work. You should definitely just run and call the police first, though. Then, if all else fails, tell one of these jokes. It probably won’t work, but go out with a laugh as you’re dying. It’ll make for a good story for any witnesses...

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18 Maria Bamford on Being Upper-Middle-Class

“I’m not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don’t need, and I refuse to share with others.”

17 Dave Attell on Using the Bathroom

“You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.”

16 Kathleen Madigan on the Unhoused

“I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, ‘He’s only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.’ And I’m thinking, ‘Oh, like I wasn’t?’”

15 Kumail Nanjiani on ‘Call of Duty’

“My issue with (games like) Call of Duty is that they’re based on real wars, like World War II and shit. Which feels weird to me because real people died, and I have to kill them all over again.”

14 Craig Ferguson on Swearing

“I like to cuss. It helps me be friendly to people. It emphasizes my friendliness. Like, if you see a friend of yours, and they’ve got new pants on, and you go, ‘Oh, those are nice new pants.’ They’ll go, ‘Oh, thanks very much.’ But if you go, ‘Whoa, great fuckin’ pants!’ They’ll be like, ‘I know, aren’t they? I saw them in the store, I was like, ‘Fuuuuuck!’”

13 Neil Hamburger on Physicians

“What do you call it when a medical physician turns off the life-support system on an elderly man who has been officially classified as an imbecile? Eric Clapton Unplugged.”

12 Lavelle Crawford on His Size

“The other day, I got out of the car, and this little boy was walking by. He just stopped and he stared at me, and he was like, ‘Whoa.’ Then I was like, ‘Boy, whatchu lookin’ at?’ Little boy was like, ‘I can’t even fit all of you in my eyes.’”

11 George Carlin on Flamethrowers

“We have flamethrowers, and what this means to me is, at some point, some person said to himself, ‘Gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there, but I’m way too far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them.’”

10 Josie Long on Couples

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three.’ Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.”

9 Brian Regan on Cranberries

“I don’t know what’s going on with cranberries, but they’re getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries does a great job. He’s showing up everywhere: ‘Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50/50. What do you got, grapes? How about cran-grape? What do you got, mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got, pork chops? Cran-chops!’ Why don’t you back off, cran-man? Why don’t you take your sales trophy and have a vacation?”

8 Norm Macdonald on I.D.

“‘I.D.’ is a strange abbreviation. ‘I’ stands for ‘i,’ and ‘d’ stands for ‘dentification.’”

7 Eugene Mirman on Special Ed

“From 6th to 12th grade, I was in special ed. They put me in special ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in special ed…. for the ladies.”

6 Rodney Dangerfield on His Birth

“When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ‘I’m very sorry. We did everything we could… but he pulled through.’”

5 Richard Pryor on Waking Up in an Ambulance

“I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, ‘Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong motherfucking heaven.’”

4 Steven Wright on Being His Own Boss

“I was driving past the gas station. There were two signs in the window, ‘Help Wanted’ and ‘Self-Service.’ So I went in and hired myself.”

3 Bob Saget on What’s in His Trunk

“I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car, and I want you to see them.”

2 Tim Minchin on Penises

“I get lots of emails trying to convince me to buy a penis enlargement kit. I don’t need a penis enlargement kit. I’m perfectly happy with the penis enlargement kit I’ve got at home.”

1 Hannibal Buress on Napkins

“I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant... because I believe in myself.”

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