5 Secret Criminal Uses for Stuff They Sell in Gas Stations
You've undoubtedly at one time or another found yourself standing next to a convenience store point-of-sale bong display and smirked at the absurd "For Tobacco Use Only!" signs that generally accompany this blatant skirting of your community's drug laws. You know what those glass pipes are really for, because you know the streets.
Except not really. Obvious marijuana-smoking devices are just the tip of the drug paraphernalia iceberg floating around the shady aisles of your local convenience store. You know what those are for, but you might be surprised to know the real reason that every sketchy bodega and market in America sells ...
Roses in Glass Tubes
Have you ever wondered what kind of awful husband buys his wife one of those cheesy fake roses in a glass tube? They're such lame gifts, but you see them everywhere. If stores keep stocking them, someone must be buying them, right? What kind of relationship transgression can be fixed with a $1 gas station purchase? Failure to DVR the right television show usually requires more apology effort than that.
If you've had suspicions similar to those just expressed, which I highly doubt you have until now, I'm glad to report that they are not unfounded. There is in fact only one occasion when buying your woman a rose in a glass tube is appropriate, and that, of course, is if you're going to smoke crack together, which, in turn, means you're probably dating Courtney Love.
That's the only reason anyone buys those otherwise useless trinkets.
It's at this point that some especially observant types will point out that you can also smoke meth, heroin, and any number of other drugs with those rose pipes. Those people know way too much. Do not trust them around your medicine cabinet.
The manufacturer isn't always subtle about the real reason the product exists, either. Check out this batch of glass roses, which are available online at wholesale savings!
Without the roses, those are nothing but standard-issue drug pipes. The added fanciness of the flower allows shady manufacturers to market them as novelty gifts and less scrupulous shop owners to sell them freely as such in areas where drug paraphernalia laws are particularly strict. It's the exact same reason "bath salts" are called "bath salts" and labeled "not for human consumption" when what they really are is some kind of monster synthetic hybrid of cocaine and methamphetamine that is completely useless unless it's being consumed by humans (who then consume other humans).
On the bright side, if some lunkhead fella does buy one of you lucky ladies one of these someday and genuinely doesn't realize what they're used for, rest easy knowing that he's probably never smoked crack before. That's as close to a keeper as you're liable to get these days.
Here is a tip you can actually use: If you're ever out on the town and, for whatever reason, find yourself in need of a fresh pair of socks in a pinch, set your sights on the nearest sketchy-looking convenience store you can find. There's a strong chance that, for reasons that will be completely lost on you, they will indeed have a display of socks. Like at this place, for example:
That picture was taken at a convenience store not far from the Cracked office. If a better photographer (meaning not me) had taken it, you'd see the upper shelves of that display case and, as a result, pretty much all of the items on this list. For the purposes of this entry, though, just direct your attention to the lower left-hand corner, where you'll see stacks of white socks. While a pair or two are probably sold to tourists with aching feet throughout the year, the terrifying real reason those socks are there is because people use them to huff spray paint. In lieu of anything resembling an official source to back up that statement, just enjoy this screenshot of Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia putting a convenience store sock to its intended use.
Basically, desperate druggies empty the contents of a spray paint can into the sock, then inhale the fumes by placing their mouth and nose inside. That's why people who get arrested for huffing paint always have those embarrassing silver or gold faces (for the record, those colors are thought to have more solvent, which makes for a "better" high -- they aren't just being fancy). Like this guy!
Am I insane, or did he kind of look worse before he started huffing paint? Whatever the case, it's a safe bet that he's done a fair amount of his paint huffing through a sock, just like those you see for absolutely no other reason at your local convenience store. And they aren't the only footwear-related item that you'll find there for less than legal reasons.
Here's a fun thing to try. Walk out your door right now, with no prior planning, and go find somewhere other than a shoe store that will sell you a pair of shoelaces. It's going to be harder than you think, as this firsthand account of someone who unexpectedly had to do it in the Washington, D.C., area will confirm. That makes sense though, right? It's not like a shoelace emergency is a common thing. When was the last time you wore a pair of shoes long enough to snap a shoelace? Still, you'd think plenty of stores would just stock them and keep them around in the event that someone ever needed to buy a pair. What's the harm in that?
The problem with that logic is that it fails to take into account that the primary market for replacement shoelaces is, sadly, intravenous drug users. Shooting drugs into your veins requires you to tie off your arm, which makes veins bulge and therefore easier to find. Using a belt or some sort of elastic band is obviously an option, but lacking any of that, a shoelace is usually the method of choice. That's why so many parent resource type sites point to loose shoestrings in pockets as one of the less obvious warning signs that a kid might be hitting the hard stuff.
This presents a problem for retailers because, unless you're in a popular band, chances are you hit rock bottom right around the time you decided that injecting drugs directly into your bloodstream was the only way you could still get high. And hitting rock bottom is usually accompanied by a severe lack of available cash. If you've spent all of your money on heroin, but still have no way to tie your arm off, stealing a pair of shoelaces to finish the job is not a huge risk. Remember that display case picture from the previous entry? Here it is again, this time with the shoelaces highlighted.
If you doubt that laces are a highly shoplifted item, tell me why they're kept in a locked case with all of the other covert drug paraphernalia. That's hard to explain away once you accept that the only people actively shopping for shoelaces anymore are those with severe drug problems.
So, if you're ever out late one night and find yourself in need of a fresh pair of shoelaces, don't overreact and drive 75 miles to your nearest 24-hour Foot Locker. Instead, just head to the neighborhood where you normally purchase your heroin and locate a convenience store.
Whipped Cream Chargers
Hey, do you want to get high like your parents did in the '70s? Find a convenience store and pick up a pack of whipped cream chargers, more popularly known as whip-its! You've likely seen these contraptions around at the occasional gas station and wondered why a box of devices used to make whipped cream cans work have any place among the racks of Cheetos and Snickers and such. Simple -- those little cartridges are filled with nitrous oxide. You might recognize that as the "laughing gas" you're sometimes given during particularly gnarly dental procedures. Doing it in large quantities will get you high as shit, and that's why possessing it in large quantities is something only dentists and a few other select professionals are allowed to do.
To get around that, it's sold in tiny quantities as a culinary tool, with most users opting to buy the party-in-a-bottle by the box or case. There are sites online that will sell you 240 whipped cream cartridges for less than $100. You can't freely buy a giant tank of nitrous oxide, but you can totally buy enough nitrous to fill one without much hassle. As this story will attest, you can do so at your neighborhood convenience store, or even a market.
If you think there's no harm in the ready availability of nitrous oxide, well, you're probably right. The high lasts for like 15 seconds, and constantly popping open those little cartridges can be a total hassle. It takes a special kind of drug addict to put up with that shit with any kind of frequency. As luck would have it, Steve-O of MTV's Jackass fame was exactly that kind of addict.
He had a well-documented (by way of a documentary he filmed himself) run-in with nitrous oxide addiction that ended with his cast mates staging an intervention to get him into rehab. That's right, the cast of Jackass was concerned that he might be living dangerously. That's like the Ku Klux Klan coming to your home and calling you out for being too racist.
Chore Boy, a distant competitor of companies like Brillo and Spic 'n Span, is one of those also-ran products that, when you see it, you're always surprised it still exists. Kind of like seeing someone drinking a can of Tab cola. If it comes to pass that you do see Chore Boy on the shelves of some strange store someday, make note of your surroundings. Chances are that you're in a shitty neighborhood.
Much like the Phillies Blunt company stays afloat because their awful machine-rolled cigars are a favorite of marijuana smokers, Chore Boy has endured because it's a vital component in smoking crack cocaine.
Remember those glass-tube roses that kicked off this article? They're generally used in conjunction with Chore Boy. The copper mesh acts as a screen onto which the concentrated cocaine can be dissolved and vaporized (according to a friend of mine). If you do a quick Google search for Chore Boy and crack, you'll find countless message board posts from people inquiring about or sharing the ideal means with which to use it (specifically) in the act of smoking. For ethical reasons, most of which involve me not wanting to Google the phrase "how to smoke crack" on my work computer, I will not link to them here.
It's being able to easily tear it into tiny pieces that makes it such an attractive option over its more durable counterparts that are made of steel or aluminum. It's the fact that you need to heat it to absurdly high temperatures before you use it or run the risk of death by inhalation of copper fumes that makes it just one of the many crazy reasons you shouldn't smoke crack. All of the other reasons are Flavor Flav.
So, when it comes time to clean your kitchen, always remember: Other cleaning products might last longer or do a better job, but nothing helps you ruin your life quite like Chore Boy.
Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. You should also be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.