18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 7, 2023

18 Zach Galifianakis on Diarrhea

“I don’t mean to be gross, but the only time it’s good to yell, ‘I have diarrhea’ is when you’re playing Scrabble. Because it’s worth a shitload of points.”

17 Leslie Jones on Life in Your 30s

“Enjoy your 20s, bitch, ’cause soon you’re going to be in your 30s. That’s when you’re gonna have to make them real decisions. You’re gonna have to decide if you’re going to stay a ho or clean yourself up and become a respectable young lady. Gotta get your reputation back in your 30s. Maybe date a pastor. Maybe do some community service instead of servicing the community. That’s when you become smart — in your 30s. You start realizing that there’s no such thing as a Prince Charming. And you’re no Sleeping Beauty. Man, I knew I wasn’t no Sleeping Beauty. I have been told several times, ‘You are very unattractive when you sleep.’”

16 Richard Pryor on Alcoholism

“I stopped drinking ’cause I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.”

15 Brian Posehn on Heavy Metal Fans

“Metalheads are awesome because they have this amount of passion for their music that no other music fans have. We’re so crazy for our music. You never see a guy with his shirt off going, ‘R AND B!’”

14 Roy Wood Jr. on ‘Street Fighter’

“I know people that don’t even like you to play Street Fighter, which to me is the most peaceful of all video games. Of all the violent video games, Street Fighter is the best one; nobody dies in Street Fighter. You get your ass whupped in Street Fighter, then you get life advice. You get your ass whupped, then the dude who whupped your ass looks at you in the face and says, ‘Go home and be a family man.’”

13 Nate Bargatze on Reading Class

“I took reading (class) as well. I drove to that class. You know what that feels like? I’ve driven to a reading class. I’m not even an immigrant; I’m from here. I should have knocked that out years ago.”

12 Donald Glover on Crazy Boyfriend Stories

“I realized every man in this room has a crazy woman story. Why don’t women have crazy men stories? I don’t really hear them. Then I realized, oh, if you have a crazy boyfriend, you’re gonna die.”

11 Emo Philips on Telekinesis

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”

10 Hasan Minhaj on Relationships with Immigrant Fathers

“You’d be like, ‘Dad, what’s your favorite color?’

“‘Stanford!’

“‘What? I want to know more about you.’

“‘Why do you want to know about me? Get into Stanford!’”

9 Rodney Dangerfield on His Wife

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

8 Jaboukie Young-White on Bootleg DVDs

“I used to love watching bootleg DVDs. Whenever you watched it, you were never alone because you were watching it with that person. You’d be in the middle of the movie just hearing, ‘Hahahaha! That boy Nemo be crazy as hell.’ And I’d be like, ‘Damn, Nemo is crazy.’”

7 Neil Hamburger on Arby’s

“Why does Arby’s put so much mayonnaise on their sandwiches? It makes it easier to flush them down the toilet.”

6 Jim Gaffigan on Literacy

“You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.”

5 Emily Heller on Being Single Forever

“I just really like to say I want to be single forever in front of my married friends because they hate that. There’s always one that will condescend to me about it and be like, ‘Come on, single forever? You don’t know that. You can’t know you’re gonna want something forever.’ And I’m like, ‘That is an amazing point. That would be stupid of me to know I want something forever in my 20s. The only thing I can think of that might be stupider would be spending $50,000 to say it in front of everyone I know.’”

4 Quinta Brunson on Dating

“I’m dating, but it’s really hard for me because every guy I like, I just wind up becoming really, really good friends with. It’s like, I like them, and they like me, but neither of us ever makes a move, so we just become chums. We’d just become good friends. A friend told me, ‘Quinta, one day, I want my daughter to turn out just like you.’ And I was like, ‘So should I grab that dick now or later. Because I feel like you want to procreate…’ He did not.”

3 Jenny Slate on Football

“I love football. I don’t like to watch it at all, but I love to imagine things about it. What I like to imagine is that all the men decided to be on a team, of course, because they’re best friends. And they love to be best friends, and that’s why they wear the same outfit. And get on a strict schedule to wear the same outfit and rush after the toy.”

2 Tiffany Haddish on Consent

“We have also been talking about the sexual harassment stuff that’s been going on. Here’s a tip from Tiffany for all the men out there: If your thing is out, and she got all her clothes on, you’re wrong. You are in the wrong! Wait until she takes her own clothes off. Then pull your thing out.”

1 Brian Regan on Greeting Cards

“I went into a greeting card store today, and they have a whole section called blank inside. The guy selling blank inside cards must laugh. ‘What do you do again?’ ‘I sell blank inside cards — just a picture of a tree with nothing on the inside, no little limerick, nothing. They’re buying a crease.”