Meet The 'Marrot,' Arby's Horrifying Meat Carrot
Arby's motto is "We have the meats," because roast beef glistening with the iridescent sheen of an oil spill still technically counts as "having meat," even if you were legally required to throw it away two days ago. They believe in this motto so much that they've decided to become that guy who gets irrationally angry at the mere concept of vegetarians and vegans. In a passive-aggressive marketing ploy in response to the rise of plant-based meat alternatives like the Impossible Burger and Beyond Meat, Arby's has created a meat-based carrot called "The Marrot."
If you're the type of person who wants to eat Arby's more now that they've dyed turkey breast orange and called it a carrot, you're also the type who slams into mountainsides that have tunnels painted on them. Yet there's someone out there learning this and thinking, "I love how that fast food chain that makes sandwiches I regret eating is really sticking to people with diets different from mine," all because they've allowed their brain worms take the wheel.
"Plant-based meat" somehow sounds less horrifying than "a vegetable made of meat." One seems like a clever use of ingredients to simulate an experience while being healthy and sustainable; the other is what happens when a mad scientist's gene-splicing experiments were defunded, so he continued his research in a remote jungle. Local villagers warn visitors not to hike where the vegetable monsters roam. If you hear the screams of the artichokes and the wails of the broccoli, it's already too late.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com. And listen for his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast.
For more, check out Here's A Contender For The Dumbest Gaming Hot Take Of 2019 and Wow, The 1989 Batman Movie Was Almost A Disaster.
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