20 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 8, 2023

‘If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor’
20 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 8, 2023

You know what they say: If it ain’t jokes, don’t fix it. Never try to repair something that isn’t a joke. Let your pipes burst forth, your underwear flap in the breeze of your torn pants, but a joke? You fix that thing until it’s perfect. Never let anything get in the way of your obsession with editing. Forsake your friends, your family, society as a whole. Then you might get something somewhere near as good as these.

Jim Gaffigan on Bottled Water

“When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, ‘Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… This is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.’”

19Julia Shiplett on the Danger of Bandannas

“I really wanted this to be the summer I got into bandannas, but they’re kind of giving me an identity crisis ‘cause I feel like within a matter of centimeters, I go from French maid to ‘yes, chef’ to soft butch to Michael Scott as Prison Mike.”

18Margaret Cho on Her Dry Spell

“I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back. I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover myself with leaves and hope somebody falls in.”

17Pat Regan on Sexuality

“My phone actually thinks I’m straight, which I know to be true ‘cause it recently auto-corrected ‘hi, bitch’ to ‘hobbit.’”

16Jerry Seinfeld on Fear

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

15Joan Rivers on Exercise

“If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.”

14Niles Abston on Rap

“I can’t rap. I went to a private school, man. My parents love me. What am I gonna rap about?”

13Steven Wright on His Very Specific Breakfast Order

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

12Nore Davis on Seeing Your Teacher in Public

“Remember when you was little, you’d see a teacher out in public, you’d freak out? You’d be like, ‘Mr. Brown, what you doin’ out here with shorts on?! Why you got your ankles out, what the f*** you doin’?!’ ‘Oh, I’m just going to the beach.’ ‘No, you live at school!’”

11Demetri Martin on Peeing in the Pool

“Last summer, I was at a party, and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool: Location, location, location.”

10Peter Kay on Wet Paint

“Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?”

9Scott Seiss on Swords

“My stepdad is a big weapons guy. More recently, he’s talking about buying swords instead of guns. He’s like, ‘Well, you never hear about the government banning swords.’ You never hear about the government banning didos either, but we’re not stockpiling those in the basement.”

8Dave Attell on Breaking Conversation

“You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.”

7Sam Morril on Women and Sex

“Most women I know, they look at sex like buying a car. You’re like, ‘Can I see myself in this long-term? Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?’”

6Rita Rudner on Large Breasts

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

5Amy Miller on Cats and Dogs

“I have those friends who will say, ‘Well, I just don’t like dogs personally because one attacked me once.’ And I’m like, ‘Okay, well, I still talk to men. I let one ride in the car and sleep in the bed, it’s crazy.’ And then cat-hating people will be like, ‘Well, I don’t like cats ‘cause they just piss wherever they want.’ Again, I still talk to men, it’s fine.”

4Nick Swardson on Babies

“Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small, really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you’ve ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, ‘What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?’”

Jenny Zigrino on Her Love Language

“My love language is acts of service, which I assume it is for most strong, independent women. Why? Because we’re tired, okay? I just opened three LLCs, did my own taxes and started a charity for dogs in wheelchairs, and you wanna give me words of affirmation? No, that is a loser move, okay? If you detail my car while I’m working, I will suck your d*** at your grandma’s funeral.”

2Hannibal Buress on Lap Napkins

“Whenever I eat at a restaurant, I never put the napkin in my lap. People say, ‘Hannibal, why don't you put the napkin in your lap?’ Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants ‘cause I’m a goddamn adult. And I’ve mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that’s for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand/eye coordination.”

1Jamie Wolf on Bestiality

“If you’re crazy enough to f*** an animal in the first place, you’re not gonna be persuaded to stop through legislation. Like that law passed and they were like, ‘Alright, fine… I’m a pig f***er, not a rule breaker.’”

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