20 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, August 8, 2023

“I really wanted this to be the summer I got into bandannas, but they’re kind of giving me an identity crisis ‘cause I feel like within a matter of centimeters, I go from French maid to ‘yes, chef’ to soft butch to Michael Scott as Prison Mike.”

“I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back. I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover myself with leaves and hope somebody falls in.”

“My phone actually thinks I’m straight, which I know to be true ‘cause it recently auto-corrected ‘hi, bitch’ to ‘hobbit.’”

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

“If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.”

“I can’t rap. I went to a private school, man. My parents love me. What am I gonna rap about?”

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“Remember when you was little, you’d see a teacher out in public, you’d freak out? You’d be like, ‘Mr. Brown, what you doin’ out here with shorts on?! Why you got your ankles out, what the f*** you doin’?!’ ‘Oh, I’m just going to the beach.’ ‘No, you live at school!’”

“Last summer, I was at a party, and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool: Location, location, location.”

“Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?”

“My stepdad is a big weapons guy. More recently, he’s talking about buying swords instead of guns. He’s like, ‘Well, you never hear about the government banning swords.’ You never hear about the government banning didos either, but we’re not stockpiling those in the basement.”

“You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.”

“Most women I know, they look at sex like buying a car. You’re like, ‘Can I see myself in this long-term? Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?’”

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

“I have those friends who will say, ‘Well, I just don’t like dogs personally because one attacked me once.’ And I’m like, ‘Okay, well, I still talk to men. I let one ride in the car and sleep in the bed, it’s crazy.’ And then cat-hating people will be like, ‘Well, I don’t like cats ‘cause they just piss wherever they want.’ Again, I still talk to men, it’s fine.”

“Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small, really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you’ve ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, ‘What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?’”

“Whenever I eat at a restaurant, I never put the napkin in my lap. People say, ‘Hannibal, why don't you put the napkin in your lap?’ Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants ‘cause I’m a goddamn adult. And I’ve mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that’s for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand/eye coordination.”

“If you’re crazy enough to f*** an animal in the first place, you’re not gonna be persuaded to stop through legislation. Like that law passed and they were like, ‘Alright, fine… I’m a pig f***er, not a rule breaker.’”