15 of the Funniest Jokes from Todd Glass
Todd Glass has two career acts. His first was as a closeted gay man; his second is now as himself. Busting out of the shed has allowed Glass the freedom to hit another level for someone already considered among the most respected comics around. A quintessential comic’s comic, Glass’ self-deprecation and absurd humor has provided countless laughs over the years through live shows, Last Comic Standing and his podcast, The Todd Glass Show.
Below are some of the funniest jokes by one of the real ones...
On K-Mart v. Target
“Here’s the business plan for Target: We’ll basically sell what K-Mart sells, but we’ll wipe shit off.”
On Toxic Relationships
“You ever been in a relationship where you argue so much that you remember where you were? ‘Didn’t we argue here once? Didn’t you threaten to walk home?’”
“I love late-night infomercials. Even though they’re bad, I get addicted to them. And I love catchphrases. One of them is ‘Are you tired of…’ It’s a big thing, ‘Are you tired of’ — and it’s never anything you’re tired of. There’s one that says, ‘Are you tired of old-fashioned mops?’ Who’s tired of old-fashioned mops? Is there anyone going, ‘I can’t take these mops anymore! It’s bullshit! They’re not even advancing!’”
On Designated Drivers
“I don’t think designated drivers are that good of an idea. What does the person, instead of drinking liquor, end up drinking all night? Coca-Cola and coffee loaded with caffeine. Then they get pulled over by the police, (shakes uncontrollably) ‘Ooooh, I’mmmm the designnnateddddd drrrrriverrrr!’”
On Flying First Class
“The first-class people look at you like, ‘We get on the plane first, and we get our drinks first.’ I feel like going, ‘Yeah, you hit the mountain first, too.’”
His Awful Prank Show
On Tosh.0, Glass would pull off these incredibly terrible pranks. They’re terrible in terms of either being too subtle or too cruel but somehow funnier than any actual prank.
On Being Closeted
For the majority of his career, Glass was so closeted that when he got into an ambulance after suffering a heart attack, he actually told a nearby Sarah Silverman to call his “girlfriend” to let them know.
On Looking Like John Goodman
“I had a girl once tell me I look like John Goodman. I know it upset me because it happened 10 years ago, and I haven’t shut up about it. She said, ‘You look like John Goodman.’ I was like, ‘What?’ and she’s like, ‘No, a young thin John Goodman.’ That doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s like if I said to a girl, ‘You look like a pig. Oh no, not a fat pig! No! A young, thin pig. You know what I mean, like a hot smokin’ pig!’”
Maybe You’re Boring, Old People
Glass is often a defender of young comedians and young people in general. As he looks outside and drinks a Coke, he has a message for all the older people complaining to the younger generation.
On Publicly Coming Out as Gay
“I will tell you this: I don’t talk about it that much ’cause some of the verbiage is hard for me to maneuver. I’m not crazy about the phrase ‘coming out of the closet.’ It seems a bit flamboyant for me. Maybe ‘busting out of the shed’ would work a little better. I’d feel cooler.”
‘Camping with Todd’
For the short-lived JASH, Glass took some of his comedy friends out into nature to camp and hang out around the campfire. The result was mild insanity with Eddie Pepitone, Jon Dore and Zach Galifianakis.
‘The Todd Glass’ Show Pilot
Based on his zany podcast, Glass had his own offbeat talk show that was a musical hangout with his funny friends. While it didn’t get picked up as a series, it highlights all of Glass’ strengths as an entertainer and reflects his personality the most. It’s pure Glass, and it’s relentlessly goofy.