13 Hall of Fame Jokes and Moments from Dave Attell
Dave Attell is a comedian’s comedian (#15, to be precise), a high-average hitter in the stand-up scene who consistently entertains a room with his wit and penchant for dick jokes. A former Saturday Night Live writer, Attell is used to working late into the night; thus him creating the stand-up/travel show Insomniac years later, which he described as “Wild on E! for Ugly People.” The series allowed Attell to thrive where he’s best: engaging in dark humor and talking to people.
Given the outpouring of respect from Attell’s audiences and peers over the last 40 years, we present some of his best jokes and moments for our Comedy Hall of Fame...
“It’s just violence. Y’know I think they should let the mafia do the news. Because they already know what’s going to happen anyway. Be a lot easier. ‘A man was shot, serveral times, tomorrow. There will be no witnesses.’”
On the Differences Between Men and Women
“You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire — they’re exactly alike.”
His Favorite Apartment
“I was sitting in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: Find the smell. Have you ever played that game? Luckily, it was me.”
On How He Wants His Funeral
On Conan, Attell detailed how he wants to pass on from this mortal coil. It involves his testicles and going to the zoo.
On the Discovery Channel
“I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I discovered — I need a girlfriend. ’Cause that Discovery Channel is the most boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life, and the more of it you watch, the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman cause it fills your head full of odd facts that come out at any moment like Tourette syndrome. I’m talking to a girl, ‘Hi, how ya doing? Did you know Hitler was ticklish? Much like the sea otter. Where are you going? Come back!’”
“If Albert Einstein was alive and he put on a pair of overalls, what do you think he’s seeing? E = mc²? No, E-I-E-I-O.”
“I don’t jog, you know why? Not ’cause I’m against jogging; it always seems that joggers are the ones who find the dead body. You never find a dead body when you’re sitting at home, eating ice cream and watching porno.”
“I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.”
On his album, Skanks for the Memories, Attell goes into how he would use a parrot if he owned one. Based on the joke, if he released this album today, he’d name the parrot “Siri” or “Alexa.”
“So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.”
From 2001 to 2004, Attell went scrounging around various late-night spots and 24/7 businesses to see what goes on while you’re asleep in a major city. It was typically insane but always hilarious. In a specific episode, he went to a 24/7 pawn shop to interview the owner and the employee. If you recognize them as the guys from Pawn Stars, give yourself a reality show cookie!
On Blacking Out
“You ever blackout, or as I like to call it, ‘time travel’?”