Your Organs Sit In A Bag Inside Of You
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Now we get to the big one: the careful examination of those organs from earlier -- the ones that the medical examiner yanked out of the patient with all the finesse of Patrick Swayze in Road House. This is actually the most important part of the autopsy, and it requires delicate and advanced tools ... namely, an old cutting board, a kitchen knife, a pair of scissors from Staples, and a shitty six-inch plastic ruler.
I heard rumors that big, fancy coroner's offices also get spaghetti strainers.
Each organ gets dissected and inspected for a possible factor of death like blockages in the heart or cirrhosis in the liver. Tongues get sliced open, lungs are cut, stomachs are drained -- it's all pretty disgusting, but inspecting the intestines was always my least favorite part. In order to get a good look in there, your bowels have to get "run," which is what happens when the doc uses his scissors to glide through all 25 feet of your small and large intestines, casually brushing aside any feces into the sink.
So, essentially, the medical examiner takes your last shit for you.
You're snickering now, but the medical examiner gets the last laugh.
When the examiner dissects your heart, one of the first things they do is take it in their hands and rinse it out under tap water, gently squeezing the coagulated cardiac goop out of it. If nothing of note is found on the outside, the examiner starts cutting it into onion rings, looking for signs of previous heart attacks and taking tissue samples when needed. Those samples, which are collected from every organ, are then preserved in two jars, one for documentation, one for the medical examiner's personal collection.
AnonymousSo, just putting it out there, but there are better ways to start your own collection
of human organs than becoming a serial killer.
Everything else is thrown into what is known as a "gut bag" (surprisingly, that's a bag for guts). After that we suck out any remaining blood, place the gut bag inside you, put your bones back in place, and zip up the body bag. You are now ready to go to your final resting place, trussed up like a frozen turkey.
Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at email@example.com
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For more insider perspectives, check out 5 Horrific Things You Learn Preserving Brains For A Living and 5 Awful Realities Of Transporting Human Corpses For A Job.
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