12 Jokes for Any Kind of Weather

About a month ago, we fired off a list of jokes about how much winter sucks. It got a lot of positive feedback, but we also got a lot of smug messages from people in places like California and Florida bragging about how it was 75 and sunny outside, and even a couple of messages from Australia wondering what the hell we were even complaining about.

So this time around, we’re gonna include as many climates and extreme weather events as possible. And away we go…

Chris Porter on Radical Temperature Fluctuations

“I was in San Bernardino, California, in August, when at four in the afternoon, it was 118 degrees outside. At seven that evening, the young lady I was with asked me if I thought she’d need a jacket. Now I’m a comic, so sometimes when people hang out with me, they try a little harder to be funny. I thought maybe this is one of those times, so being a gentleman, I said, ‘Hey, you f–king with me?’

“She said, ‘No, do you think it’ll be chilly?’

“‘It was 118 degrees three hours ago! Do you have any idea what kind of meteorological event would have had to occur for the temperature to drop 60 degrees in three hours? If the temperature drops 60 degrees in three hours, f–k a jacket, grab a lead vest. ‘Cause shit’s gone nuclear, plans are canceled, alright? Even if it has dropped 30 degrees, it’s still 88 f–king degrees outside!’”

Mitch Hedberg on Talking About the Weather

“A friend said to me, ‘I think the weather is trippy.’

“I said, ‘No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it that is trippy.’

“And then I realized I just should have said, ‘Yeah.’”

Gabriel Iglesias on East Coast vs. West Coast Weather

“You have to watch the Weather Channel in NYC. California? You don’t have to. How’s it gonna be tomorrow? ‘Ah! It’s so pretty!’

“But in New York, it could be a matter of life or death. You got to watch the Weather Channel: ‘As you can see here on the West Coast in beautiful Southern California, it’s gonna be a high of 84 with a low of 67. Chance of rain, not likely. Just enjoy your day here in beautiful Southern California. As you can see over here on the East Coast… F–K! Oh my God! Just stay home. It’s gonna be a high of seven with a low of Antarctica. Just stay home!’”

Brad Upton on Windstorms

“In Seattle the last three years, we’ve had five major windstorms. All five of them have been on a Thursday. You know how I know? That’s my garbage day. I spent every one of those windstorms looking for my garbage can. I never found it, either. But at least now I got a nicer one. Anybody else do the windstorm upgrade? Like, ‘Oh man, this one’s nicer than mine! I’m grabbing this one.’”

Mark Twain on the Weather in India

“I believe that in India, ‘cold weather’ is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass doorknob, and weather which will only make it mushy.”

Ron White on Hurricanes

“I was in Miami when Hurricane George hit the Keys. They evacuated the Keys, and everybody left except for one guy, who was going to stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach to prove a point. The point was, he said that at 53 years of age he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind and the rain from a Force 3 hurricane. Let me explain something to you: It isn’t that the wind is blowing, it’s what the wind is blowing. If you get hit with a Volvo, it doesn’t really matter how many sit-ups you did that morning.”

Lewis Black on the Gray of February

“I don’t care where you are, the weather in February is supposed to be awful. The weather should be gray — rainy gray, snow gray, horrible gray, everyday. It just gets grayer and grayer. You finally call up your boss, go, ‘I'm not coming in.’

“Boss goes, ‘Why? Are you sick?’

“‘No, it’s too gray. I don’t know if it’s dawn or dusk. Why does the sun bother to come out?’

“And then you wake up on Valentine’s Day, and it’s so gray out you actually look at your wrist and think, ‘Hey, maybe I should slit them to see color.’”

Kyle Kinane on Tornadoes

“Tornadoes are the dickheads of natural disasters, because they’re so personal. Blizzard? Hits everybody. Earthquake? Hits everybody. Tornado? Maybe just Jeff’s house. How do you not take that personal if you’re Jeff? ‘Oh, what’s that, Dave? Your house is okay? Alright, cool! Trish? Your place is fine? Good looking! WHAT THE F–K IS THIS, THEN? Oh, what’s that? Oh, you want me to talk to your insurance, Trish, cause my dog scratched your car when it hit it at 90 miles an hour? Oh, you think that could be filed under an act of God claim? WHAT GOD, TRISH? WHAT F–KING GOD?’”

Will Rogers on Oklahoma Weather

“If you don’t like the weather in Oklahoma, wait a minute and it’ll change.”

Doug Benson, Seeing Will Rogers’ Joke and Raising Him This

“In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’”

JR Brow on Canadian Winters

“I was in Winnipeg, Canada — 48 below zero. Did you know Fahrenheit and Celsius meet at negative 40? That gives a whole new meaning to F and C at that point. And they were calling it ‘jacket weather’: ‘Oh, finally some jacket weather!’

“I’m from Texas, that’s some every-jacket-I-own-weather. It gets so cold they actually have a channel called the Fireplace Channel. Psychologically, that’s supposed to help you. Well if that’s the case, Texas should have its own Air Conditioning Channel — just a picture of an air conditioner with a streamer on it. Guys will be in their trailer going, ‘That’s good, man. Goddamn, that’s good.’”