That magical time of year is upon us. The temps begin to get colder and the snow starts to fall. It’s time to break out the sweaters, enjoy a hot cup of cocoa, and take in the smell of the heater burning off the dust that accumulated in the air ducts over the summer.. And if we want to venture out, we have to decide if it’s worth having to scrape the car windows or shoveling the driveway. Wait, did we say magical? We meant it kinda sucks.

So, we managed to track down a collection of some of the best jokes about getting through winter… That don’t involve lazy puns about snowballs. 

Jim Gaffigan

“People who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable, right? Some of those winter activities should get you committed. It's like, ‘Look, we love you, we're just worried. I mean, yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet. This morning, we saw you sweeping the frozen lake. What's next? You sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs? Get some help.’"

Brad Williams

I'm from Southern California. I am not used to snow. I don't like it. I was in Edmonton over the winter where they got a storm… foot and a half of snow in one day putting out the snow. I'm on stage talking about it like ‘This sucks!’ and everyone in the audience is like, ‘It's Edmonton, that's what happens here, eh! It's no big deal, it's just a foot and a half of snow.’ 

I AM FOUR FEET F–-KING TALL, okay?!? It's a little different for me! Maybe you guys go out in a foot and a half of snow, you trip, you fall, your knee gets wet. ‘IT’S WINTERTIME!’

If I trip and fall in a foot and half of snow I DIE, you understand how that works? I was scared. I went to a sporting goods store, and I bought one of those soccer flags. I just duct taped that sh*t to my back and just started walking around. People were making fun of me, ‘Brad, you look like a loser!’ Don't care, I'm gonna live!”

Drew Carey

“I’m from Cleveland, Ohio. It’s cold there in Cleveland. Freezing. All the time it's cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell is all that global warming we've been hearing so much about? That's all I ever do in the winter: Stand outside with an aerosol can like SHHHHHHH… That's right, screw the grandkids, I'm cold now!

Jason Russell

Black people, we don't like the winter. Nope. 'Cause you can see us. Think about it. Black people will never get caught in a blizzard. Have you ever heard that happen to people? They get trapped in their car somewhere. It's usually you white people. You're out driving somewhere where you don't belong! Someone in your car goes, ‘We should take a shortcut through the mountains!’

A week later, you're eating one another. That'll never happen to black people. We'll get out of our car, take all of our clothes off, lay in the snow… The helicopters will find us very quickly. ‘There they are! They look like Rolos. I love chocolate!’”

Lewis Black

Now is the coldest winter, literally, that I can remember in my life. You know, it was really nice weather if you were a f—king moose. If you had fur on your nuts, it was a festival out there! I didn't have a thought the whole winter. Seriously, I spent the whole winter the only thought I had was, ‘F–k it's cold!’ Or, ‘It's cold as f–k!’

Halfway through the winter, I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear. Because bears are more evolved. It gets cold, and what does the bear do? I'm going to bed! This blows! And then it gets warm and guess what? Time to wake up!

They've got to stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense, it really is. I don't know where they came up with it or why they came up with it, it's a lie. They come up and say, ‘Well, it's 27 degrees today but with the wind chill it's minus 3.’

Well then, it's minus 3, a–hole! I don't need to know what the weather is like if conditions were perfect.”

Bill Hicks

“I was here last winter. It was three below zero, no wind chill. A little nippy… It’s kinda fun though in that weather going outdoors and watching smokers pass out ‘cause they don’t know when they’re done exhaling.”

Ken Rogerson

I'm not getting out of bed an hour early to warm the car up when i'm cold. We'll warm up together as we ride. That's a team thing. Scraping off the windshield? No, I just scrape a little square in front so I can see out. I figure everybody else has cleared their windows off, they'll see me.”

Tom Mabe

“First prank: Eight years old, Bullitt County, Kentucky. I built a snowman out in front of our house. I spent all day on this snowman. Had a hat on it, a nose… Looked like Frosty. Went to bed, woke up, somebody ran it down and killed it with their truck or something. And I was upset. I was a kid. I was crying, my mom came out there, ‘Tommy, baby, it's okay. I'll help you build another snowman.’

‘Thanks mom, I appreciate it.’

We built another snowman, went to bed, woke up, and they ran it down again. And she said, ‘Tommy, honey, why don't you build a snowman in the backyard and that way they can't get to it?" 

Like, "NO, MA! The whole purpose of building a snowman is so people can see it. They can't see it in the backyard. You go in, I got this.’

So I built another snowman. Put the hat on it, carrot nose, he was rocking, man. I went to bed, and around midnight I'm awakened by a BAM! And I look outside my bedroom window, there's a pickup truck stuck in our front yard. And there's water spewing out the grill… See, I built the snowman on top of the fire hydrant.”

Juston McKinney

“People in California don’t understand how anyone could live in the Northeast or up in New England. ‘How could you ever live up there in the winter time? Doesn’t that suck, with all that snow?’

I don’t mind the snow, you know why? Because I have AAA. You gotta have it if you live where it’s cold. Every winter I call AAA, but not because my car breaks down. But because they give you four free service calls a year, and I just save them for the really crappy days. It’s like a blizzard out, the guy shows up at the house he’s shivering, ‘Yeah, what do you need, man? A jump?’

‘Nope, you get your ass out there and start her up! Put the heat on high will ya’, buddy? Thanks!’”

Zoltan Kaszas

Scariest time of year for me is coming up. It's winter. It's when I got to light the pilot light on my furnace. That is the most terrifying time of the year for me. I got to pump myself up for that like a football player like, ‘Here we go. Let's do it!” 

I gotta trim my beard to make sure nothing catches. Have you ever done it? You open it, it's just covered in warning labels. It's all, don't touch this, that will explode, that'll kill you. And you're like, I'm just trying to make it 72 in here. That's all I'm doing. I'm trying not to wear a sweatshirt indoors. Why is this a life and death situation? 

And then when I finally get ready to do it, I put my phone out and I put it on a YouTube tutorial video, so a 14-year-old Malaysian kid can teach me how to light the pilot light on my furnace. And I'm terrified. I go down there like, here we go. And every time I do it, I'm like, That's not how a real man attacks this project. A real man just shows up covered in gasoline, strikes a match on his 5 o'clock shadow, and just go FWOOF! ‘Heat for everybody! ‘Cause I'm a man! Yeah, I'm going to go take a shot of A1 sauce. See you guys for dinner.’”

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