Here’s something that hasn’t been discussed until this very moment: Pete Davidson, SNL alumnus and human cigarette, dates a lot of very famous and very beautiful women. He is, reportedly, “well-endowed.” In other news, water continues to be wet, bears defecate in forests and Pope Francis is pro-Jesus. 

Apparently, we went 15 entire minutes without someone in the comedy world praising Davidson’s penis before his former SNL castmate Jay Pharoah appeared on SiriusXM’s The Jess Cagle Show this past Thursday to reveal Davidson’s secret to success with the world’s most beautiful and beloved entertainers and models. Said Pharoah, “It’s his endowment. That’s what he told me. … He was like, ‘Yeah bro, it’s like 9 inches.’ I was like, ‘Word? Oh snap, we twins, that’s crazy!’” 

It’s official — Davidson’s Pete Jr. is impressive. Historians will forever remember Thursday, November 10, 2022 as “The Day That Jay Pharoah Said That Pete Davidson Told Him He Was Packing Heat.” Look out for the commemorative stamp and federal holiday in 2023.

Speculation on the size of Davidson’s package started in 2018 when his then-fiancé Ariana Grande responded to a tweet from a fan asking, “how long is Pete?” by sharing the intimate knowledge that Davidson’s pants are rocking “like ten inches,” mere months before the Grammy-winning pop star ended her engagement to the Staten Island tattoo collector.

Davidson waited until his 2020 Netflix special, Pete Davidson: Alive from New York, to publicly respond to the rumors that were swirling around about what’s swinging in those skinny jeans after Grande gassed up his groin. Calling the evaluation a “common misconception,” Davidson said, “I don’t like how she talked all this s— on behalf of my d—, I thought that was super weird. … Can you imagine if I said that? ‘Sorry it didn’t work out, nice p—, though!’”

Despite Davidson’s attempts to downplay his downstairs blessing, his crotch has been even more popular than his comedy following his string of flings that has included the likes of Kim Kardashian, Kate Beckinsale, and, most recently, Emily Ratajkowski. Allegedly, his highly publicized relationship with the most popular Kardashian was the spark that started the dumpster fire that is Kanye West’s latest meltdown. Said Marc Maron during a recent episode of WTF, “This is the first time in history that a global rise in anti-Semitism was started because a clown’s d— was too big.”

On his friend’s popularity with the planet’s most beautiful and successful women, Pharoah claims that it’s not all anatomy that’s causing Davidson’s dating career to be one of the most accomplished in recent history, saying, “You gotta have everything in the relationship, and that’s the thin line. And Pete is just a sweet dude. He’s sweet. He’s vulnerable.”

So that’s the secret to a successful love life — be sweet, be vulnerable, be a star on SNL and have a near-foot long schlong. Now that Davidson’s tricks have all been revealed, maybe we can go back to talking about literally anything else besides the penis of the guy who broke Kanye West’s brain.

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