These jokes have been bottled straight from the springs of Fiji. These jokes were wild caught in the rivers of Colorado. These jokes were forged from the fires of a volcano. Inhale them all now at the Comedy Hall of Fame!

Hannibal Burress

Hannibal Burress

Adult Swim

“Whenever I eat at a restaurant I never put the napkin in my lap. People say, 'Hannibal, why don't you put the napkin in your lap?' Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants 'cause I'm a godd*mn adult. And I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that's for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand/eye coordination.”

John Mulaney

John Mulaney

Netflix

“It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA… What was a murder investigation like in 1935? One cop would just walk in and be like, ‘Detective, we found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway.’ And he would just be like, ‘Gross.’”

Joe Mande

“I'm a big foodie! I eat, like, three times a day... but most of all, I'm a breathie. Breathing air? That's the best thing in the world! I couldn't go two minutes without breathing.”

Ray Romano

“My twin boys are two and they’re cute… but when they become adults, the danger of identical twins, I hope they’re handsome. Because if they’re even slightly ugly, there’s two of those. You notice that. If you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room that’s no big deal. But if you see the same ugliness right behind him. ‘Hey! Look at that… I didn’t think he was that ugly until I saw it again.’”

Wanda Sykes

Wanda Sykes

Netflix

 

“I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap - 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'”

Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal

Comedy Central

“This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.”

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