I’m freaking sick of it. Work, anxiety, wondering if people like me, worrying about money, worrying about a future I cannot change. Every problem I have; materially, emotionally, physically, would be solved if I existed in a digital realm like the ones I spend a majority of my free time in. So please, just let me live in a video game already. If Grimes can get elf ears, if we can put folks on the moon, I think we can make it so I can live in Skyrim or Stardew Valley. All of my problems would be solved.

Anxiety About Dying

 

You know what I worry about a lot? Dying. I’m not worried about going to hell or anything, I left my belief in God and an afterlife in the dust long ago, I’m worried about the void. I’ve had enough bad mushroom trips to know that infinite darkness is not a place I want to end up. As much as living sucks I don’t want to die. But in games, we don’t have to worry about that. You just pop back to life, sometimes you’ve lost some gear or have to repeat a quest, but don’t we repeat the same quest day after day as it is? What is grocery shopping but a fetch quest? Even the scariest horror games aren’t as terrifying as going on a plane, worrying that each flight will be my last and I’ll be the statistical outlier to plummet out of the sky. See? That probably made you a little scared too. But we wouldn’t have to feel fear if we lived in Fortnite.

Ubisoft

I'm not a very strong climber either, but I'd trade a finger to be a member of the assassin order and also be immortal.

I Can’t Jump Very High

 

Now this one isn’t really a huge problem for me, I spend most of my day punishing my spine by sitting hunched over a keyboard, so jumping isn’t holding me back professionally, but it has kept me from ever playing a successful game of basketball or reaching things on a high shelf. Plus my friends make fun of me. I just don’t have the hops. But if I lived in a video game… I’d be king of the jumps. Video game jumping rules, and daddy just wants a little taste of that power.

Do People Even Like You

 

Are you mad at me? It’s a question I’ve wanted to ask pretty much every person I’ve interacted with since about the age of eleven. Wanting to read people’s thoughts to know how they really feel about me has always been up there in the top three things I would wish for. If only there were a simple, easily readable system to tell how someone felt about another person, I’d jump on that in a heartbeat. It could even be something like Pokemon has, where you go to a third party and they tell you how your pocket monster feels about you. 

Tired All The Time

 

Bandai Namco

This guy never gets tired. 

Waking up exhausted, already fantasizing about the day being done and getting back into the sweet embrace of your bed isn’t something video game characters deal with. They pay an Innkeep five gold, lay down on a wooden, twin bed stuffed with straw, and instantly fall asleep. There’s no tossing and turning, no waking up in a cold sweat at three am worrying about how you’re going to pay your health insurance this month. Just brief blackness and then you’re up, fully clothed and standing. Ok, sometimes there’s a demon or whatever that visits you during the night. Or an assassin that slips into your room and mercs you. But still, beats having to brush your boring teeth and wash your boring face and look at your ever drooping visage each night and still waking up feeling just as tired as you did eight hours ago.

Dating

 

ConcernedApe

The only way I will ever be able to afford a house is if I transform into pixels and live in a video game.

It’s a hellscape. People ghost you, it takes a ton of time and money, and there’s rampant STI’s and bad actors all around. Plus you can’t ever really be sure that someone actually loves you. I know too many people who’ve been dumped right before their wedding day to ever truly trust another human being. But in the sweet embrace of gaming, there are numerical meters that gauge attraction. Dating is much simpler when you can just click the dialogue line with the heart next to it. You don’t have to have vague arguments about dishes masking deeper insecurities when you can just bring someone a pineapple or a bunch of flowers five different times and then propose to them. 

Get the Cracked Daily Newsletter!

We've got your morning reading covered.

Forgot Password?