We Regret To Inform You Grimes Maybe Got Elf Ears
Bad news, everyone! Obnoxious art kid and musician Grimes is back to her old tricks. The latest development in national coverage of what is basically the kind of person who does performance art dressed as a sheep on the subway is that Grimes seems to have gotten elf ear surgery. Which I say simply for the sake of brevity, not because that is a surgery that should be common or known for anyone who doesn’t have some kind of Legolas-based ear dysmorphia.
The singer and crust punk turned billionaire baby daddy has posted about getting her ears elved up before, and now seems to have confirmed it with a tweet of her post-surgery head wrapped up like Bugs Bunny with a toothache. As of now the ear-pointening is not visually confirmed, but to be honest, whether she actually went through with it or not, her base goal has been achieved: to make the jaw of every person who logged onto the internet today clench. I need a boil-and-bite mouthguard every time I hear about some new Grimes nonsense.
This is the thirty-four year old, I repeat, THIRTY-FOUR YEAR OLD, proud mother of two children, X AE A-XII and Exa Dark Sidarael, whose names just made my autocorrect cough. Forget a mid-life crisis, this is a Middle-Earth crisis. In her first tweet asking about elf ears, she mentioned wanting it her whole life, but just because we want something doesn’t mean we should do it. Sometimes I WANT to know what would happen if I put 10 bath bombs in a public pool, but those are just urges we have to recognize aren’t actionable.
I think the worst thing is that I myself, by writing this, have fallen into her trap. Not acknowledging Grimes is like trying not to imagine a red car. You just did it, whether you wanted to or not. She’s like the weird(er) kid from art school who keeps turning in projects made of her own bodily fluids and forcing the class to critique her weird vomit paintings. I just hope she’s actually teaching her children English so they don’t show up to Kindergarten only speaking Elvish and Python.