Ranking The 'Lord Of The Rings' Characters, In Terms Of Thirst

Ranking The 'Lord Of The Rings' Characters, In Terms Of Thirst

The Lord of the Rings is a series of books written by a Catholic man at a time when talking about sex at all would be viewed as unseemly and improper in the vast majority of the English-speaking world. A time where couples on TV slept in separate twin beds like in a shitty dorm room to avoid the appearance of thirst. 

The only overt representation of anything romantic in LotR is strictly heteronormative love between a man and a magical elven princess. 99% of the story is just guys being dudes trying to return some jewelry, but within that 1% is a world of horny possibilities, which is why the fan fiction community has had such a wonderfully gay old time with Sam, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, and the whole lot. Because of this, I decided to rewatch all of them to rank each Fellowship member's horniness on a scale of up to 5 Comfortable Hobbit Holes. 

Our journey begins ...

Frodo: 0 Out Of 5 Comfortable Hobbit Holes

I can't lie here; even I'm disappointed in this ranking. Between the hobbits' general hedonistic lifestyle, seemingly enjoying all the comforts of hearth and home, and the clear love that he and Sam share, I had high hopes for this one, but I must sadly rule Frodo's love completely platonic. 

Don't get me wrong, Frodo is extremely loving to each of his comrades except maybe Legolas, whose name he clearly forgets at the end of the movie, but that never ventures into the horny territory. In fact, the only time Frodo looks vaguely turned on is when he's being compelled by the ring to finger it and possibly get murdered because of it. And let me tell you, as someone who's been in a "Manual Swordfish" situation myself, the only boners you get for a while afterward are the confusing kind

Frodo and Shelob

New Line Cinema

The Shelob penetration was non-consensual; he wasn't horny at all.  

Boromir: 1 Out Of 5 Comfortable Hobbit Holes

Boromir has the most severe kind of daddy issues in that he's the kind of guy that would do anything to earn his father's approval, anything. He became a captain of Gondor for his dad. He went to the Rivendell council for his dad. He tried to take the ring from Frodo for his dad. He banged an old Osgiliath sex worker that one time for his dad. Okay, that last one was something I made up, but it is exactly the kind of thing Boromir would do.

On the whole (nice), Boromir is the kind of dude that goes about his daily routine not thinking much about anything but his career. Sure he gets horny sometimes, but as a war hero and the eldest son of the steward of Gondor, he doesn't have to look far for interested maidens. For him, it's all business

Boromir ring

New Line Cinema

"Is it not a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt for so small a thing?" –Boromir, dismissive of his own penis

Once the war of the ring is over, he'll meet a nice noble lady at a ball or celebration of some kind, get married, have a couple of future stewards, and they'll settle into a life of hating each other and passing on the trauma of his father's neglect to his children. You know, good old-fashioned marriage!

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Merry And Pippin: 2 Out Of 5 Comfortable Hobbit Holes

Throughout the trilogy, the secondary pair of hobbits get both less screen time and less character development than Frodo and Sam, so it's no surprise that the last thing either of them has addressed is a romantic arc of any kind. For the most part, they give off the vibe of platonic life partners who've probably watched each other jerk it once or twice after a few too many drinks at the local hobbit pub. So, closer to Joey and Chandler than Bert and Ernie.

Merry even frustratedly says, "Why do you always have to look?" to Pippin when Gandalf takes him away because he sneaked a peek at the Palantir, so we can guess this isn't the first time he's made things weird by staring for too long.

Pip lord of the rings

New Line Cinema

Let's not even speculate about the context of this line.

Pip is also definitely the more mercurial of the two, even being straight-up terrified when he and Merry are separated during Return of the King, so I could definitely see him drunkenly hooking up with the old gaffer because of some misplaced jealousy one time when Merry got a girlfriend. 

Merry, however, is the only one of the pair to show any excitement or interest in a woman. Of course, this tends to be portrayed as completely platonic since he and Eowyn bond over their desire to ride into battle alongside their friends, and her crush on Aragorn is well established. Just as an aside, really, how can he compete with the unbridled sexual aura that is Strider? (more on that later) But getting back to Merry, you can see the excitement on his face as he realizes he's riding off into battle in the arms of this giant woman, so we can assume there's a hobbit chub to match.

Merry lord of the rings

New Line Cinema

Or, as others in Middle-earth call it, a half-chub. 

As we've established, we're feeding on table scraps here, so I think, if anything, Merry has probably tried a bit of both column A and column P .

Gimli And Legolas: 3 Out Of 5 Comfortable Hobbit Holes

AKA, our Bisexual Life-Partner Princes. Here's the thing about Legolas and Gimli, there's credence to the idea that their murder bromance could turn into a real romance. Both Dwarves and Elves in Middle-Earth have different gender norms than humans. With Dwarves, everyone is hairy and round; Aragorn even makes the "joke" about dwarven women having beards. Similarly, all Elves are lengthy and smooth; there are literally no visually distinguishing features between male and female elves. Given these facts about their gender presentation, it's also safe to assume that their sexual norms aren't the same as humans.

Additionally, we know that Gimli has a crush on Galadriel, so elves are definitely on the table for him, and Legolas looks at Aragorn with the knowing admiration of someone who's experienced his rough but attentive style of lovemaking so that groundwork has been laid to welcome in hairier and broader lovers. 

Gimli lord of the rings

New Line Cinema

And Legolas has no qualms about getting Gimli drunk first. 

I'm just saying that it is canonical that Legolas and Gimli went on adventuring together for many years after the conclusion of these stories. I just find it harder to believe that an elf would abandon their chance to sail away to Elf-Heaven for someone who's just a pal than to think they could've fallen in love.

Gandalf And Sam: 4 Out Of 5 Comfortable Hobbit Holes

Gandalf is a weed-smoking, firework-making dude with a different name depending on what region of Middle-earth he's in at any given time. He literally just shows up and crashes at people's places whenever he wants, and 99% of everyone is stoked to see him. Whether you call him Gandalf, Mithrandir, or Grey Wanderer, all the peoples of middle earth call him daddy. He's kinda like if The Dude's actual job and purpose was to chill with literally everyone. 

Gandalf lord of the rings

New Line Cinema

He also has good self-control. He arrives precisely when he means to. 

The biggest things holding him back from a full 5 Hobbit Holes are that I don't think he's a very generous lover and that once he gets the lateral promotion to being "The White," he tends to act like, "That's not me anymore." Dude, we were there when you were smoking Longbottom Leaf and banging married hobbit couples; you're not better than us all of a sudden because you washed your clothes and flat ironed your hair.

Samwise Gamgee is an anagram for "we image ass gem," and to me, that's perfect because to Sam, ass is as precious as gems. Now Sam isn't just about casual hookups; he's about forever romance with only a select few in his life. His tendency toward monogamy isn't necessarily a mark against his horniness, though, because his love is INTENSE. His love for Frodo is well documented, and in far more graphic detail than I'm allowed here, by the internet fanfic community, so I won't delve too deeply into that hobbit hole. 

sam lord of the rings

New Line Cinema

"Destroy the ring" wasn't even supposed to be a euphemism; these things just happen. 

And, of course, at the end of Return of the King, we can see that Sam already has two kids with Rosie. Considering the fact that it's canonically less than two years (about 22 months) between the time the hobbits returned to the shire and the time Frodo and Bilbo go into the west with the elves and Gandalf, we can project that they'll probably have like eight kids by the time they're done, and that cements his position as the horniest of the hobbits.

Aragorn: 5 Out Of 5 Comfortable Hobbit Holes

Aragorn is a king of men, a friend to elves, dwarves, hobbits, wizards, and eagles, and possesses a sexual aura so powerful that two-thirds of the women with speaking roles in the movies have massive lady-boners for him. He may be 87 years old, but every day is his 69th birthday. The other rangers nicknamed him "Strider" not because he walks a lot, but because "One Who Strides Straight From the Road Into The Nearest Bed" was too long and cumbersome. His ruddy coital musk is so powerful that even when he's covered in mud and orc viscera, everyone looks at him like, "Yup, still would." 

Aragorn lord of the rings

New Line Cinema

One time, he just opened this door. 30 percent of Rohan immediately became pregnant. 

Aragorn doesn't see the world in terms of race, gender, or class; for him, there are just the things he stabs with his sword and the things he stabs with his dick. To Aragorn, there's no such thing as a friend without benefits. He seems so comfortable covered in mud and rain because, at all other times, he's awash in a sea of quim and bussy. There are two kinds of people in this world, the ones who would bang Aragorn and liars.

Top Image: New Line Cinema


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