Lewis Black

Lewis Black

HBO

“Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.”

Eddie Izzard

Eddie Izzard

Ella Communications

“You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking ‘this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here’. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You’d think ‘this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!'”

Airplane!

Rumack: You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.

Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?

Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.

Daniel Tosh

“You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in 40-degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're f*cking fishin'."

Don Rickles

Don Rickles

Broadway Video

Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, has been a great star for so many years. This man was married to a great many women in his life. They’re all flat now.”

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

NBC

“I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.”

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