Minecraft Sneakily Encourages Players To Become Columbus

Most Minecraft players approach the game like any real-world construction worker would: they dig until they get enough construction materials, then build stuff until they're able to murder a dragon. It's probably not as streamlined as that, but that's the gist of it. Oh, you want to make it easier? Okay. The most practical way to succeed in Minecraft is to build a boat and take it to the sea until you find a village. Upon arrival, you should find one or various natives, then "convince" them to enter your boat and come to your base where they'll be "integrated" in your "society."

Sure, it never looks that obvious in the game, and it might take a while to notice, but at some point, players will come to the conclusion that they're not playing Minecraft; they're playing Colonialism. We just don't know whether that was intentional or not. Let's check with the creator of the game:

It might look like a dumb hypothesis, but one that academics and even YouTubers have looked into, and both came to the same conclusion.

You Can't Finish GTA V Without Killing Like Half The City

One of the supposedly more humanizing changes that came with the Grand Theft Auto series' jump to 3-D is that it stopped awarding points for killing civilians. From GTA 3 onwards, murdering civilians only earned players money. That's better, as the previous games garnered criticism for being mass-murder simulators, now they are just regular capitalism simulators. Grand Theft Auto V, however, gets bloody, even if you don't care about "the economy." While even games like Postal 2 can be beaten without killing anyone, GTA V forces players to become mass murderers not just if they want a high score but to straight-up finish the game.

Redditor TK-576 did the math, and the numbers make the Postal dude look like Jesus. Over the course of the game, players will necessarily rack up 726 kills.

What's more, Trevor, the beloved resident sociopath, isn't even the worst of the three main characters, occupying a measly second place in the murder podium with a mere 258 frags. The biggest offender is Franklin, with a Killimanjaro that's 295 bodies high. Michael has a weak-ass 172 kills, making him a misdemeanor guy by GTA V standards.

You're Not Even Seeing The Weirdest Thing In Cyberpunk 2077

Updating the famous quote by Shigeru Miyamoto, while a delayed game is eventually good, a rushed game is immediately good ... for memes. Despite failing at pretty much anything other than bringing unintentional laughter, Cyberpunk 2077 has been memefied so extensively that fans have been struggling for new ways to extract more sweet laughter juice out of it. 

Luckily, a few modders were wise enough to look inward and, through a 3rd-person mod, discovered that the playable character is even more messed up than the surrounding world.

Among the greatest discoveries, there's the fact that the main character's eyeballs seem to be located somewhere inside their mouth.

Among the greatest discoveries, there's the fact that the main character's eyeballs seem to be located somewhere inside their mouth.

Cyberpunk 2077

Jelle Bakker

When your vision goes blurry, that's just you salivating.

And also that they have an airbag built into their stomach.

Cyberpunk 2077

Jelle Bakker

Ha! We knew there were more cybernetic implants to find. 

Though they probably don't need it, as they're pretty much the T-1000.

Cyberpunk 2077

CD Projekt Red

The game didn't even charge us for this emote. Real generous of them. 

Maybe we've been too hard on Cyberpunk 2077, y'know, just like the big wigs at CD Projekt Red were on the people making Cyberpunk 2077. Maybe Night City isn't that messed up; maybe it just doesn't know how to react to whatever the hell it is that we're playing as.

You Don't Have To Kill All The Dogs In The Last Of Us: Part 2

If you look up the word "divisive" in a dictionary, the chances of there being a picture from The Last Of Us: Part 2 under its definition are 50%. Some of this polarization is warranted, like how Naughty Dog abused most of their employees, causing at least one employee to create an easter-egg mocking everyone's suffering. Some criticism is less warranted, like most whining about a main character going away because of golf.

One thing most people agree with, however, is how killing dogs is just not cool. One of the most hated aspects of this game – if you don't believe Kekistan should be a real country, that is -- is how players are grappling with the post-traumatic stress of having had to murder dogs in order to finish the main story.

Luckily, it turns out that one of the most violent moments in this already unnecessarily bloody tale is also unnecessary. It's actually possible to patiently sneak around Bear the Dog (okay, maybe the game really doesn't understand its own characters) and prevent having to slaughter it. Hooray!

Last of Us II

Naughty Dog

This one you got to kill, though.

While sparing Bear doesn't give you any bonus stuff or achievements, it does unlock the ability to sleep easier at night.

The Doom Guy Is Absurdly Fast

One of the most hotly debated topics in the gaming community is just how fast Doomguy is. No, really. That's not a joke. Fans really have been wondering about Doomguy's leg prowess ever since the early days, and Redditor u/Phytor did the math. He concluded that Mr. Doom Man weighs 1,204 lbs and somehow still manages to walk at a speed of 49.5 miles per hour. That's faster than Usain Bolt ... on a 50cc motorbike.

He then also goes into how much energy Doomguy generates just by walking, and we're pretty sure that's very interesting and all, and you can read the original post, but obviously, you're here to see it in motion.

Id

Cue Benny Hill theme ... but sped up. 

And interestingly, the trend remains in the newer games, where advanced recording glitches drones allow for players to see just how fast the Doomslayer is in third person.

Id

Pretty nice of him to give Hell a chance looking for ammo when he could just tackle everyone to a pulp.

Bonus factoid: Tiago would love it if you were to follow him on Twitter.

Top Image: Mojang Studios

Break Your Doomscrolling Habit

Sign up for the One Cracked Fact newsletter now and get exclusive knowledge + links to the best from Cracked sent directly to your inbox everyday!

Forgot Password?