One obsessive Pokemon fan, Kyle Hill -- though we'll call him Pokemonfan0001 -- decided to settle it once and for all: Who is the best starter Pokemon? When he finally finished his research, he published it for his sad group of followers in ... wait, Scientific American magazine? OK, this is apparently some serious shit.
The different starters have different strengths and weaknesses. Charmander is a fire type, so he burns plants, but he hates water and rocks. Squirtle douses fire and erodes rocks, but hates electricity. And Bulbasaur beats rocks and water, but is just a mess at every other aspect of life. So every starter will fare differently against the game's 12 bosses (the eight gym leaders and the Elite Four). Every gym leader specializes in a different type, so Brock's rock types are good news for everyone who isn't Charmander, but the reverse is true for Erika's plants. Then there are the Ghost and Dragon trainers, ignoring how their only choices were Gengar and Dragonite, and ... dear god, is this what it's like to go insane?
This chart suggests yes:
Not included: Charmander being curbstomped for five hours in Mt. Moon.
On the chart, green means your starter is good against that boss's Pokemon. If it's red, that means you'll probably be destroyed. Now that you've carefully studied this vital and important research, you'll see Squirtle and Bulbasaur have three gyms where they have an advantage, and Charmander has only one. Furthermore, Squirtle has the advantage against three boss Pokemon that none of the other starters do, while Bulbasaur has two. So ... Squirtle is the best? Oh wait, we're not taking defense into account.
Don't worry, we'll explain this.
As you can see, Squirtle has two gyms where he'll encounter a weakness -- the electric and grass gyms -- and three where he actively resists them -- water, fire, and ice. Whereas Charmander is weak to three and resists one, and Bulbasaur is a three/three split. Why, according to these findings, all this information has replaced everything you once knew about the human orgasm. What is it? How does one get it?! Is it weak against grass?
Back to the scientific findings. If you're attacking, Squirtle has a slight advantage over Bulbasaur, who has an advantage over Charmander. And from a defense standpoint, Squirtle has the fewest weaknesses. So ... hold on a second, we think we did it. We think we did it!
Objectively, Squirtle is the best starter Pokemon!
"Squirt. Squirt. Tuuhhhhhhl."
This just doesn't feel like a victory.
Ed Stevens doesn't care what science says -- Charmander is still the best, and he will fight anyone who says otherwise. Tiago Svn will answer all of your silly gaming questions on Twitter.
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