10 Strange, Commemorative Monolith Items That Now Apparently Exist

It seems capitalism officially knows no bounds, this time, not even yielding to potential signs of an existential shift in mankind's history, alien attempts to contact Earth-bound humans, or, well, the patience of people who have scrap metal, basic welding skills, and maybe a bit too much time on their hands. In yet another installment of Monolith Madness, an abundance of mysterious metal structures have suddenly appeared around the world -- this time available for purchase Etsy, eBay, and pretty much anywhere commemorative tchotchkes are sold. Monolith merch of officially a thing and it's  just as bizarre as the global phenomenon itself. 

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Since wildlife researchers stumbled across the first known structure in the southern Utah desert last month, several copycats have popped up in Romania, New Mexico, and California, with a gingerbread iteration even appearing in San Francisco on Christmas Day, only to mysteriously vanish shortly after their discovery. Captivating our collective imagination, and certifiably terrifying fans of 2001: A Space Odyssey, these mysterious monoliths have managed to achieve the impossible, elbowing their way past coronavirus, Ariana Grande's steamy new album, and even conservative pundits clutching their pearls over Harry Styles's dress onVogue's December cover to secure a spot at the front of our cultural zeitgeist. 

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Amid this bizarre, alienesque fad, artists, likely struggling during our global pandemic, have found a way to capitalize on this trend -- selling absolutely absurd monolith memorabilia. Why sit around refreshing the homepage of your pop culture outlet of choice (obviously Cracked.com), waiting to catch word of the latest monolith news when you could purchase a miniature "pocket travel companion," to instill a pervasive air of existential dread in alien-fearing mice, ants, fairies and the other approximately three-inch-tall companions in your life -- even on the go?

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While you're at it, why not revamp your wardrobe with a commemorative, fashionably oversized, chiffon tank top honoring the mysterious structures ... 

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..a t-shirt featuring a vaguely threatening interstellar message ...

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... or if you're feeling particularly down on your manhood, a top that both celebrates this extraterrestrial cultural moment and projects your deep-seated Freudian insecurities? After all, who doesn't love a good twofer?

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Wishing you had a fun accessory to complete your monolith drip? Etsy's got you covered! Try an oh-so 2020 monolith face mask ...

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or a pair of matching monolith earrings, that will make impressed onlookers stare as they contemplate whether the aliens took a pit-stop in your jewelry box on their way to the southern Utah desert. Handsome and mysterious!

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Want to spread your monolith pride into other aspects of your WFH setup? No problem! From laptop stickers ...

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... to fancy posters of your favorite, pop-up national monuments ...

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.. and even a one-foot tall  desktop monolith statue, that is inexplicably $200, proving the internet, as always, will sell you pretty much whatever it is you're looking for -- if the price is right. 

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But friends, why, stick to decorating your home office and buying random apparrel when you can join in on the fun yourself, commissioning a ten-foot-tall metal monolith so you too can dominate the news cycle for approximately 16 hours? You too can rule the world, fueling the brightly burning dumpster fire that has been 2020. For just a few, sweet, fleeting moments, you can feel like you're a part of something greater than just rewatching The Queen's Gambit for the 15th time or mastering the art of sourdough, a much-needed reminder that life will someday continue beyond your four-walled realm. Find those crumbs of joy you've been so searching for in these trying times -- all for the low, low price of $7,495. 

So readers, as we descend down our absolutely essential online shopping rabbit hole, let's hope the aliens behind this aren't sticklers about intellectual property law -- the last thing we need when ringing in the new year is an intergalactic court date with angry ETs. One crisis at a time, okay?

For more internet nonsense, follow Carly on Instagram @HuntressThompson_ and on Twitter @TennesAnyone

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