5 Video Game Glitches That Turn Sexy Scenes Into Lovecraftian Nightmares
Some games, however, offer some erotic moments that you neither expected nor wanted. These tend to be the result of glitches; glitches that turn what should have been an indulgent fantasy into a bizarre nightmare ...
The Witcher 3's Cronenbergian Merger
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt features two playable characters: Geralt, the main playable silver-haired himbo, and Ciri, the young woman players get to play as when Geralt is presumably getting STDs offscreen. Both characters have become sex symbols on their own, but become aggressively horrific when together. No, we don't mean that being in each other's vicinity turns them in uggos. We mean they become nightmare fuel when literally merged, which is something players actually were unlucky enough to discover can happen.
YouTuber Oddheader shows that you can glitch the game into being able to play as Ciri full-time. And, while it's cool for the most part, all hell ends up breaking loose when you try to have sex. Sometimes Ciri will straight up turn into Geralt -- because the game still thinks we're playing as him -- sometimes she'll keep her head but gain Geralt's strong arms and pecs. When the cutscene is over, Ciri, like a supernatural sexual serial killer, emerges from post-coital bliss, a naked amalgamation, and wearing Geralt's skinned face as a mask.
Don't Catch A Case Of The Centaurs When Playing The Sims 3
The Sims series features a lot of wild stuff, but banging centaurs is not one of them -- not intentionally, at least.
When playing The Sims 3, using official community content, the game can malfunction, turning your characters into centaurs. The glitch seems to strike the most when Sims have sex, or maybe it's a secret STD the devs don't tell you about to protect sales, who knows.
The characters not only become centaurs but also gain breasts that may not get censored, unlike any other instance of nudity in the game. While adjusting to life as a beast of myth might be tough ("I just bought all these jeans ..."), you'll be happy to learn that they can still ride a bike despite all.
And it's not always sex-related. The glitch can somehow also affect kids, and oh boy, they sure are the ones poised to suffer the most. Symptoms include head and chest switching places, and ultra-long fingers. Please, think of the Lovecraftian children.
Dark Souls 3's Shitty Robes
Like most game series, Dark Souls tries to avoid featuring full nudity. Like most game series, Dark Souls players eventually find a way to work around that.
Even if you unequip every single item of clothing in Dark Souls 3, your character will still be wearing underwear that you just can't take off. The game forces players into the role of a never-nude unless they learn about the butt glitch. The glitch allows anyone wearing a robe to show off their naked butt to others via a friendly sitting animation.
There's a certain irony in the outfit most suited for a chaste man turning out to be the thottiest one, but it gets even better. Enter popular Dark Souls YouTuber IronPineapple, who found the perfect use for the sitting butt animation by realizing that Dark Souls is also a game where you can throw feces at other players.
Dead Or Alive's Vaginal Void
Anyone could easily start a conspiracy theory claiming Dead Or Alive is a sex game trying to pass for a fighting game. There's no way of knowing. However, the Dead Or Alive Extreme spinoff sees the roster of women trading the combat arenas, fighting mechanics, and ninja outfits for beaches, pose striking mechanics and outfits that are only ninja in the sense that they can also vanish. Players asked the question, "What's less than less clothing?" A glitch in the game's VR version promptly answered, "No clothing."
The glitch is easy to perform. The player just needs to stick his head underwater, and the clothes will disappear -- rendering characters a full .04% nuder ... kind of.
You see, despite going for an overtly sexual experience, DOA's developers didn't get to the same lengths of realistically depicting the female body as some decidedly less sex-oriented games. Instead of fully modeled nipples or female genitalia, there's just an endless void peering back at you, mirroring the whole experience's sad sexless hollowness.
Payday 2's Pole Dancers From Hell
Games like GTA V allow you to realistically experience the full range of criminal life: stealing, killing, spending your money on dumb stuff, getting killed, and coming back to life. Payday 2, however, is a game about heists, and only heists. The part where you get to conveniently spend your money on pole dances is nowhere to be found here, pal. Well, almost nowhere.
Despite not featuring night club heists, players found hidden moves in the game's code that turn regular people working office jobs into strippers -- pole dancing, and all. But, because since these are likely incomplete animations, they get weird fast.
Even if players don't find anything strange about people performing pretty neat pole dancing moves during a hostage situation -- even when there's no actual pole -- maybe they'll start to suspect something is up when they see the heads of the performers doing 360 degree turns and just to reattach moments later.
Sadly, no one has yet discovered the glitch to get you into the champagne conference room.
Top image: EA Games