In prison, a teardrop tattoo under your eye tells people that you've killed someone. Outside of prison, you say the same thing with clown makeup. Science has always wondered if it's clown makeup that causes a person to commit murder, or if it's murder that causes people to wear clown makeup. That's one of the things we're about to discover.
I went to six years of middle school, so I know proper scientific method requires a control group. I also know that knowing what this means is for fags, so I didn't include one. Instead, I gave my subject unpredictable personality traits like Insane
and Can't Stand Art
. This almost felt like cheating since it saved me the trouble of causing
the subject to go crazy, so I evened the odds by giving him Genius
and Computer Whiz
. Now he has the tools to discover what he is and what I am doing to him. I got this idea from Star Trek
where some asshole said the wrong thing in the hologram room and spent the rest of the episode fighting an evil super hologram.
The personality tools of
The Sims 3
are very robust. I was able to select his favorite food as pancakes, and his favorite music as Kids. Finishing up, the game even gave me a list of Lifetime Wishes to select from, and one of them was, and I quote, "Creature-Robot Cross Breeder."
I picked the hell out of that. The idea of fusing robots and animals together sounds comically impossible, but that's probably what some guy heard right before he invented anal beads.
Creating the Patient's Roommate
No doctor in the world would look at Subject Beef and say, "Sure, go ahead and stand near that." Unfortunately, his psych profile got mixed up with NBC's fall comedy lineup, and his landlord signed a--record scratch--
to the lease!
The baby was given only one personality trait: Brave
. His favorite food is sushi and his favorite music is Latin. I knew it was only a matter of time before it was destroyed, so I wanted to name it after something I love. Since I never learned how to spell pizza, I decided to go with either slam dunks or Dolemite. I went with a combination of both, by naming him after a dunk by the Dolemite of basketball, Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins.
There wasn't room to type in "The Chocolate Thunder Flying, Robinzine Crying, Teeth Shaking, Glass Breaking, Rump Roasting, Bun Toasting, Wham Bam I Am! Jam," so I settled on "Turbo Sexophonic Delight" or