We're All Turning Into Simpsons Characters (Thanks To Social Distancing)
How many times in the past few weeks have you heard someone say that "All this just doesn't feel real?" That the "new normal" feels like something out of a TV show? Well, there's a reason for that: We're all becoming our own Simpsons characters.
Many characters have graced The Simpsons over the years, but what makes them fit on the show is that they're the worst version of all the traits that they exude. The main characters: Bart is the worst version of a slacker, Lisa is the worst version of an over-achieving saxophone player, Homer is the worst version of a nuclear plant employee. The side characters: Krusty is the worst version of a children's entertainer, Flanders is the worst version of a do-gooder neighbor, and Apu is the worst version of a racial stereotype that they could include without getting in trouble for it in the 90s.
Now, it's our turn. With all the habits we've been developing over the past -- Jesus -- six weeks (How has it been only six weeks?), many of us are reverting to the worst versions of ourselves. We have to be strong here, so let's identify some easy points to work on and do it (for her.).
Like most characters from the show, many of us are now dressing the same every single day. A running gag in some cartoons is how a character will have a closet filled with the same outfit, but The Simpsons have had an episode embracing the idea. In "Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield," Marge finds an upscale outfit at an outlet mall that's actually in her price range. She then repeatedly wears altered versions of it to a country club, where the socialites make snide remarks about her efforts.
By the end of the episode, Marge saves her animators' wrists by deciding that she likes her original green dress -- embracing wearing the same thing for all eternity. Don't do this, y'all. Take showers, change your clothes, and do laundry. We're begging you (We can see the mustard stains on FaceTime.).
Then, there's hair. We've already written about how guys are cutting their hair to disastrous results. We stand by that, don't cut your hair. In the episode, released 20+ years after the movie it's spoofing, "Homer Scissorhands" sees Homer becoming a gifted stylist after fixing Patty's hair with garden shears. He starts to go insane from the salon talk and schemes up a way to quit.
Homer is, again, the worst version of what a hairstylist should be. Don't get some bozo family members or neighbors to start doing your hair. If that means wearing a hat, or maybe playing around with your new length a bit, so be it. Don't let your idiotic standard for normalcy be "a haircut, whatever the cost." And, for the love of God, don't give yourself bangs.
Finally, we'd be remiss if we didn't talk about what we're eating in quarantine, and there's no better way to illustrate our meals going downhill than Steamed Hams.
Principal Skinner is hosting a luncheon, burns his roast, tries to pass off fast food as homemade, and allows his house to burn down in the process. It should go without saying at this point, but don't host luncheons right now. Just don't. We realize a lot of you are regularly cooking for the first time, so please pay close attention to what you're making. Don't "set it and forget it" and be forced to break quarantine to go to McDonald's, then apartment hunting because you burnt your place down.
Isaac is having a fun shelter-in-place and isn't losing his mind at all on Twitter and Instagram @NotFunnyIsaac