The News For Bullies Is Bad: Their Brains Are Small

Scientists have found that the brains of people who've exhibited long-term bullying behavior are usually smaller, thus confirming the suspicions of every bully's victim that their tormentors are only doing it because their brain is basically a sloshing bucket of sloppy pig shit.

Ma'am, your son is such an asshole that even his brain is angry.Wikimedia Commons"Ma'am, your son is such an asshole that even his brain is angry."

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The researchers out of University College London say that persistent, lifelong antisocial behavior physically changes the structure of the brain. The study analyzed MRI data of 1,037 people who had been observed over 45 years. It found that the most important of the brain erosion happened in the cerebral cortex, where a lot of our decision-making comes from. After years of assholery, some bullies have so depleted their cortex that they actually lack the physical brain matter to stop themselves from being the awful people. They've cut their own brake lines, slammed the accelerator, and now they're going to see how far being a monstrous asshole takes them. Prison? The White House? Both?

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But not all hope is lost: The effects can be prevented if young bullies can somehow change their behavior before adulthood. But if they don't flip the switch from "Dick" to "Not Dick," a majority of their brain's surface area will just fade away like a snap from Thanos (the dumbest bully in the cosmos).

All-in-all, the whole "bullying rots your brain" conclusion is a little too on-the-nose. But it is nice to know that life sometimes actually does work out like a 1980s high school movie where the nerd reigns victorious over the pea-brained bully, who's sitting there drooling and wondering what the hell just happened. Now get us the measurements confirming that male bullies have penises that are humiliatingly small.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!


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