The "Horse Murders" Scandal Was Exactly What It Sounds Like
We're used to hearing about people destroying their own property for the insurance money. Gadgets, cars, homes, businesses, prized thoroughbred horses -- you name it, and someone somewhere has taken a metaphorical (or literal) match to that motherfucker.
... Wait, what was that last thing again?
Throughout the '80s and '90s, the equestrian world was consumed by a full-fledged criminal conspiracy. Wealthy horse owners would buy top-quality thoroughbreds, insure them for all they were worth, and then have them killed if they failed to perform in any minor way ... or if their upkeep was proving too expensive ... or if their owner was having financial difficulties ... or if their value had plummeted ... or if- OK, you get the point.
Elya Vatel/ShutterstockBut that can't be worth that much. It's not like you can insure a horse for over $30 million, right? R-right?
Although hard figures are hard to come by, it's estimated by the FBI -- who take their horses very fucking seriously -- that anywhere between 50 and 100 horses were murdered by shady veterinarians, dodgy breeders, and professional killers like Tommy "The Sandman" Burns. This was a lovely character who over the course of a decade sent over 20 BoJacks to that great glue factory in the sky by, um, wiring a mains extension cord into their ass and switching on the power. "They go down immediately," Burns once described. "One horse dropped so fast in the stall, he must have broken his neck when he hit the floor. It's a sick thing, I know, but it was quick and it was painless. They didn't suffer."
What this method lacked in finesse, it made up by being completely undetectable to veterinarians. Burns soon became a niche celebrity on the equestrian circuit, to the point where people would approach him during shows and openly ask him to "take care" of a problem horse. That said, he never got rich off this gig. Despite the vast sums of money up for grabs, his typical take-home pay was $5,000 per job.
Burns' arrest in 1991 was the beginning of the end for this conspiracy, and over the next several years, 35 people -- ranging from owners to breeders to ass-assins -- were convicted of crimes including insurance fraud, obstruction of justice, extortion, and racketeering. It proves that murder-for-hire doesn't provide a stable income, the police don't horse around, and crime doesn't nei[EDIT: THE REST OF THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CANCELLED.]
The New Orleans Saints Secretly Rewarded Players Who Injured Opponents
Injuries are an unavoidable part of being a sports professional. It's just business, nothing personal. It's not like players go out there with the intention of injuring opponents, right? Well, it depends. Is there an extra paycheck involved?