'Cats' Gets A Day One Patch To Fix Its Graphics

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Hey everyone, we here at Universal Pictures, the studio behind similar hits like Land of the Lost and Howard The Duck, have been very excited about the huge reception to our latest masterpiece, Cats. And we've received a lot of user feedback, feedback like "I'd rather have a barbed penis poke out my eyes than watch another second of this movie" and quiet sobbing. But Universal Pictures listens to the community and are happy to report that we've already identified and fixed what has been bugging audiences: It's that you can see Dame Judi Dench's hand in that one scene.

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Despite director Tom Hooper's long crunch time, it seems our beta, definitely-not-ready-for-reviews, release of Cats still contained some minor graphical errors, like the cat fur not covering enough of the cast -- or too much according to nine out of ten critics. Fortunately, our VFX teams have worked around the clock to fix these glitches so that we could still fire them before Christmas. And since this is the age of the Day 1 patch, we here at Universal Pictures have decided not to wait for the director's edition Blu-Ray and to just update the movie while it's still playing in major theaters. (Yes, we're also surprised we beat Star Wars to this).

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This shows that Universal Pictures, like Paramount's Sonic The Hedgehog movie normalizing graphic overhauls and Disney movies like The Lion King trying to make live-action obsolete, is willing and able to adapt to the film industry's slow decline into lazy video game industry practices. Soon, all movies will have things like roadmaps and early access releases, and it'll be exciting to see how long it takes for film fans to get used to the idea of paying us ten bucks to watch Ian McKellen in sweatpants talking to a tennis ball.

And why leave it at small graphical glitches? There's so much of Cats to improve at our leisurely pace while you've already paid for the supposedly finished product. To this end, we're happy to release a sneak preview to the patch notes of our upcoming update

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Cats v1.024 Patch Notes

  • Greatly reduced time-out where Rebel Wilson waits for audience laughter to die down.
  • Audiences now have to earn a number of CAT points to unlock Taylor Swift.
  • Fixed the difficulty on "Memory" to make it easier to solo.
  • Added modding tools to implement the popular James Corden nude patch.
  • Corrected a typo in the credits that attributes this movie to David Lynch instead of Tom Hooper.
  • Corrected a glitch where audiences would freeze and shut down every time they saw Idris Elba creep onto the screen.
  • Fixed Jason Derulo's Rum Tum Tugger (Literally, we took him to a vet and snipped his testicles off before anyone got pregnant).

  • For more weird tangents and reasons why he's not allowed within 500 feet of the Universal Studio lot, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

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