5

We Dodged A TV Show Starring Michael Avenatti And Anthony Scaramucci

Of all the myriad characters the Trump presidency has thrust into the public eye, none have been more sleazily reptilian than Michael Avenatti and Anthony Scaramucci. Avenatti represented Stormy Daniels in her lawsuit against the president, and claimed he would run for the office himself before facing charges of extortion, fraud, embezzlement, and tax evasion. Scaramucci vomited out profanity and nonsense as the White House's shortest-tenured director of communications before somehow moving down a peg to Celebrity Big Brother 2. They have shown themselves to be lacking in both professional ability and basic human morality. So obviously someone floated the idea that they should star together on TV.

Jamie McCarthy/Getty ImagesWhich seems a little optimistic for two guys whose personalities feel like accidentally sticking your hand in that mystery puddle in the back of the fridge.

4

Candace Owens Started A "Blexit" Clothing Line, And Pretended Kanye West Designed It

In a 2018 attempt to break the lock Democrats have had on the African American vote for decades, Candace Owens started the "Blexit" movement. As the cursed name implies, she wants black Democrats to abandon the party and register Republican, because nothing says "compelling American political movement" like a reference to a British tragicomedy.

To promote it, Owens launched a Blexit clothing line, announcing that "Blexit is a renaissance and I am blessed to say that this logo, these colors, were created by my dear friend and superhero Kanye West. [West] has taken one of the boldest steps in America to open a conversation we have needed to have."

Shopblexit.com"Liberals can't bully me ... except into paying 36 bucks for this ugly-ass sweat shirt."

3

Trump's Onetime Ghostwriter Has Become A Completely Inaccurate "Expert"

In August 2017, Tony Schwartz, ghostwriter of The Art Of The Deal, grabbed headlines by saying that Trump would resign "by fall, if not sooner." He swung and missed on another resignation prediction in 2018. He was wrong so often and so enthusiastically that ... Anderson Cooper invited him on his show? Talk about failing upwards.

Schwartz took the opportunity to announce that Michael Cohen's testimony was going to lead to Trump being impeached and convicted after Mueller showed the world 40 years of his crimes. Cohen and Mueller's testimonies, of course, did not lead to Trump's impeachment, much less a conviction on anything. (At this point, it looks like if Trump does get impeached, it's going to be over Ukraine.)

Schwartz's deep loathing of Trump (he's called his work on The Art Of The Deal the greatest regret of his life) makes sharing his thoughts an easy way to get views. But listening to Trump ramble about golf 32 years ago doesn't exactly give you the intimate expertise of a longtime therapist. Schwartz never backs up his bluster and hyperbole, yet all the shit he spews is lapped up by the media anyway. So maybe he did learn something from Trump.

2

Lance Wallnau Is Selling $45 Commemorative Trump Coins

Lance Wallnau, evangelical and self-proclaimed doctor (You can do that? Why aren't we doing that right now?), got some decent press coverage when he prophesied a Trump victory at a more innocent time, when that seemed unlikely. But who can be satisfied with a mere prediction when there are grifts to fuel? So now he's selling $45 (get it?) coins featuring Trump and King Cyrus. They're advertised as a "point of contact" between you and God, who must have so many better things to do.

The Jim Bakker ShowSo to review, it's an engraved image made of gold you're supposed to direct your prayers to. That sounds sort of familiar.

See, Wallnau is a proponent of the niche evangelical theory that Trump is a modern-day version of the 6th-century BCE Persian king. In the Bible, Cyrus is lauded as a nonbeliever whom God used as a vessel to liberate oppressed Jews. Going off that logic, it's totally cool that Trump is a womanizing racist liar, because he's a vessel for God too.

1

Bill Mitchell Raised Money To Move To D.C. To Cover Politics, Then Moved To Miami Instead

Bill Mitchell is a radio host who achieved some fame as one of Trump's earliest supporters on Twitter. He was most recently in the news as an attendee at Trump's "Social Media Summit," where he was allowed to sit at the big kids' table alongside such gloominaries as Ben Shapiro and Joy Villa while Trump whined about his follower count.

This brush with power appears to have gone to his unnervingly square head, since he began touting a plan to move his show and residence from Palm Beach to Washington, D.C. He argued that he needed to be based in the capital to network with "movers and shakers" as he covered the 2020 election. To enact this move, he asked for $15,000 on GoFundMe. His supporters dutifully chipped in, but were surprised when Mitchell then started tweeting about his fancy new condo in Miami, which is actually slightly further away from Washington than Palm Beach.