5 Dumb Ways People In Trump's Orbit Are Trying To Cash In

The Trump presidency has attracted a dizzying array of grifters, from reinvented D-list celebrities to YouTuber conspiracy theorists to furious podcasters screaming into the void. But while most of the leeches connected to Trump have used him to make a name for themselves in the usual ways, like becoming Fox News contributors, joining conservative think tanks, and/or going on terrible speaking tours for terrible books, a few in his orbit have resorted to far more moronic attempts at cashing in. Look at how ...

Advertisement

5
We Dodged A TV Show Starring Michael Avenatti And Anthony Scaramucci

Of all the myriad characters the Trump presidency has thrust into the public eye, none have been more sleazily reptilian than Michael Avenatti and Anthony Scaramucci. Avenatti represented Stormy Daniels in her lawsuit against the president, and claimed he would run for the office himself before facing charges of extortion, fraud, embezzlement, and tax evasion. Scaramucci vomited out profanity and nonsense as the White House's shortest-tenured director of communications before somehow moving down a peg to Celebrity Big Brother 2. They have shown themselves to be lacking in both professional ability and basic human morality. So obviously someone floated the idea that they should star together on TV.

Which seems a little optimistic for two guys whose personalities feel like accidentally sticking your hand in that mystery puddle in the back of the fridge.Jamie McCarthy/Getty ImagesWhich seems a little optimistic for two guys whose personalities feel like accidentally sticking your hand in that mystery puddle in the back of the fridge.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

No, it wouldn't have been a reality show that accompanied our two lovable miscreants as they took on the most sordid nightlife that Hackensack, New Jersey has to offer. The concept that "prominent television agent" Jay Sures ran up the flagpole at CNN and MSNBC was that Avenatti and Scaramucci would face off and debate contentious issues of the day. It was much like the old show Crossfire, except both men would be firing blanks.

Alas, the Scum v. Scum extravaganza never graced the homes of the 200 or so viewers who wouldn't immediately change the channel. If for some reason you absolutely need more of Natty and The Mooch, you can still listen to Scaramucci's spectacularly uninformative podcast. And depending on the regulations wherever Avenatti gets sent to serve his potential 300-year sentence for multiple affronts to human decency, he might sketch you something on a napkin for like 20 bucks.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

4
Candace Owens Started A "Blexit" Clothing Line, And Pretended Kanye West Designed It

In a 2018 attempt to break the lock Democrats have had on the African American vote for decades, Candace Owens started the "Blexit" movement. As the cursed name implies, she wants black Democrats to abandon the party and register Republican, because nothing says "compelling American political movement" like a reference to a British tragicomedy.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

To promote it, Owens launched a Blexit clothing line, announcing that "Blexit is a renaissance and I am blessed to say that this logo, these colors, were created by my dear friend and superhero Kanye West. [West] has taken one of the boldest steps in America to open a conversation we have needed to have."

Liberals can't bully me ... except into paying 36 bucks for this ugly-ass sweat shirt.Shopblexit.com"Liberals can't bully me ... except into paying 36 bucks for this ugly-ass sweat shirt."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

That's an incredibly powerful endorsement ... which was denied immediately. Candace's "dear friend" Kayne stated that he had no part in the clothing line and was in no way a "Blexit" supporter. West did say that he introduced Owens to the actual designer, but that he "never wanted any association with Blexit. I have nothing to do with it." Some confusion was perhaps understandable, given that West seems to toss his beliefs in a blender every morning, but that was still a pretty shameless lie.

3
Trump's Onetime Ghostwriter Has Become A Completely Inaccurate "Expert"

In August 2017, Tony Schwartz, ghostwriter of The Art Of The Deal, grabbed headlines by saying that Trump would resign "by fall, if not sooner." He swung and missed on another resignation prediction in 2018. He was wrong so often and so enthusiastically that ... Anderson Cooper invited him on his show? Talk about failing upwards.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Schwartz took the opportunity to announce that Michael Cohen's testimony was going to lead to Trump being impeached and convicted after Mueller showed the world 40 years of his crimes. Cohen and Mueller's testimonies, of course, did not lead to Trump's impeachment, much less a conviction on anything. (At this point, it looks like if Trump does get impeached, it's going to be over Ukraine.)

Schwartz's deep loathing of Trump (he's called his work on The Art Of The Deal the greatest regret of his life) makes sharing his thoughts an easy way to get views. But listening to Trump ramble about golf 32 years ago doesn't exactly give you the intimate expertise of a longtime therapist. Schwartz never backs up his bluster and hyperbole, yet all the shit he spews is lapped up by the media anyway. So maybe he did learn something from Trump.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

2
Lance Wallnau Is Selling $45 Commemorative Trump Coins

Lance Wallnau, evangelical and self-proclaimed doctor (You can do that? Why aren't we doing that right now?), got some decent press coverage when he prophesied a Trump victory at a more innocent time, when that seemed unlikely. But who can be satisfied with a mere prediction when there are grifts to fuel? So now he's selling $45 (get it?) coins featuring Trump and King Cyrus. They're advertised as a "point of contact" between you and God, who must have so many better things to do.

So to review, it's an engraved image made of gold you're supposed to direct your prayers to. <A TARGET=_blank HREF=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thou_shalt_not_make_unto_thee_any_graven_image>That sounds sort of familiar.</A>The Jim Bakker ShowSo to review, it's an engraved image made of gold you're supposed to direct your prayers to. That sounds sort of familiar.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

See, Wallnau is a proponent of the niche evangelical theory that Trump is a modern-day version of the 6th-century BCE Persian king. In the Bible, Cyrus is lauded as a nonbeliever whom God used as a vessel to liberate oppressed Jews. Going off that logic, it's totally cool that Trump is a womanizing racist liar, because he's a vessel for God too.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Of course, Cyrus is historically viewed as an all-around great guy for his time, while it's theologically dubious to suggest that God has a divine plan to let Trump scream on Twitter and break conflict of interest laws. That hasn't stopped Wallnau from shilling his coins, a book that espouses the theory, a set of DVDs if you're not really the reading type, or a $450 bundle if you like to buy your crazy in bulk. Though it's probably worth noting that Herodotus says Cyrus was eventually killed in battle by a woman, so prepare for some Warren 2020 prophecies.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Related: 7 WTF Trump Businesses You Never Knew About

1
Bill Mitchell Raised Money To Move To D.C. To Cover Politics, Then Moved To Miami Instead

Bill Mitchell is a radio host who achieved some fame as one of Trump's earliest supporters on Twitter. He was most recently in the news as an attendee at Trump's "Social Media Summit," where he was allowed to sit at the big kids' table alongside such gloominaries as Ben Shapiro and Joy Villa while Trump whined about his follower count.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

This brush with power appears to have gone to his unnervingly square head, since he began touting a plan to move his show and residence from Palm Beach to Washington, D.C. He argued that he needed to be based in the capital to network with "movers and shakers" as he covered the 2020 election. To enact this move, he asked for $15,000 on GoFundMe. His supporters dutifully chipped in, but were surprised when Mitchell then started tweeting about his fancy new condo in Miami, which is actually slightly further away from Washington than Palm Beach.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Miami has its movers and shakers, but they're mostly people going into glue withdrawal while running from enraged alligators. Mitchell implied he would be hobnobbing with the political elite. You know, sipping embalming fluid with Rudy Giuliani, throwing raw voles to Steve Bannon, changing Charlie Kirk's diaper. But that kind of swanky relationship-building isn't possible in Miami.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

When outraged donors complained, Mitchell defended himself by saying "DC gets maybe 4 nice months a year. Miami gets 10." Following a storm of outrage from other pro-Trump pundits, he begrudgingly started offering refunds to anyone who "felt misled" by his active misleading.

E. Reid Ross has a book called BIZARRE WORLD that's on store shelves as we speak. Or you could just order it now from Amazon or Barnes and Noble and leave a scathing/glowing review.

For more, check out What If Donald Trump Is Just An Elaborate Prank?:


Follow us on Facebook. Because we love you.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

63 Comments

Load Comments