Kanye Is Removing All The Hecking Cusses From His Tracks

Entering the sweaty televangelist phase of his career, Kanye West recently renounced secular music, promising to focus solely on making gospel. But Yeezus acknowledges that he has a lot of sinful behavior in his past. So in order to make sure his soul won't go to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks, he's reworking his past songs in the name of the Father, the Son, and the sanitized lyric.

Realizing he's about to become really big on the Boca Raton circuit, Kanye revealed that he's in the process of re-recording his back catalog of songs to take out all those sinful swears. He calls it "The George Lucas version" (whose fiddling is famously cherished by old and new fans alike) of his own erstwhile vulgar art. Religious folk need no longer fear tarnishing their ears with explicit content while listening to implicit abuse. It'll presumably get tweaked to something like:

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Four times that you say don't text me madam
Told you four times, don't test me, madam

Nor will they fear Satan's taint while enjoying Kanye making fun of disabled people if the lyrics are adjusted like so:

Soon as I pull up and park the Benz
We get this doughty fellow shaking like Parkinson's

Of course, quite a lot of Kanye's raps were already blissfully curse-free, and therefore totally wholesome to goodly folk. Lyrics like Can I at least get a raise on a minimum wage? / And I know the government administered AIDS or Now she claiming that I bruised her esophagus / Head of the class and she just won a swallowship, from songs which are bound to be covered by Christian rock bands any day now.

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And surely, no Sunday-dress-wearing, Bible-memorizing soldier in Christ's army could ever have an issue with something both clean and referring to Martin Luther King Jr., like Black girl sippin' white wine / Put my fist in her like a civil rights sign.

But for the rest of us sinners who don't look forward to a Kanye who lets his pastor rewrite his lyrics, we'll have to look outside of his music for this man of God's pearls of secular wisdom. Like him saying that Bill Cosby is innocent, or that slavery was a choice. That's in the Bible, right?

For more weird tangents and mother-trucking blasphemy, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

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