The Walt Disney Company is on a Galactus-level power trip, voraciously acquiring media properties left and right. Neither money nor political power nor even Spider-Man have stood in the way of its total entertainment domination. But it turns out there is one strategy that can successfully keep your favorite corner of the internet free from mouse taint. The bad news is that it'll involve you being called a cuck a lot.
In the run-up to the release of his memoir, The Ride Of A Lifetime, Bob Iger has been doing the rounds talking about all the major decisions he's made as CEO of Disney. That includes the notorious last-minute decision to cancel its 2016 acquisition of Twitter, the greatest advertisement for antidepressants ever made. Speculation was rampant then, but only now has Iger revealed the real reason: Twitter is a garbage place filled with garbage people. In a New York Times interview, Iger claimed the social media site's "nastiness" was his main reason to pull the plug, as he realized the Disney brand was incompatible with a website so toxic that it made him question "Why am I doing this? Why do I endure this pain?" every time he logged in.
Which is definitely a sentiment shared by literally everyone on Twitter, but it's likely Iger was talking about one particular flavor of troll: the mayonnaise one. In April 2019, during congressional hearings about social media, Iger came out condemning the platforms for allowing hate speech and extremism to run rampant, adding that "Hitler would have loved social media." And you can't run Disney and be seen to quietly condone all those Nazis scuttling around the darkest corners of Twitter. What would the children think? What would they do with all those anti-Nazi propaganda cartoons in the Disney vault?
And while it's incredibly depressing that so many of us (hi!) spend so much of their lives in a place so bleak and nasty that even Disney doesn't an appetite for making it part of their Borg Dominion, Iger's revelation may predict an even bleaker future for the internet. Picture a digital Demolition Man, where the only two places you can go online are the bleach-sanitized ice cream parlors of Disney, or whatever parts of the sewer teem with Tiki torch turds with anime avatars.
You can visit Cedric's own personal sludge pipe right here.
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