By absorbing Fox, Disney would obtain the last piece of a puzzle that looks like Goofy throwing a guy wearing a Wolverine shirt over a barrel, as 21st Century Fox owns literally every scrap of Marvel (X-Men and Fantastic Four) and Star Wars (A New Hope) that Disney hasn't devoured already. Also, did we mention Fox owns Avatar and its upcoming sequels? We're running seriously low on red string and thumbtacks over here.
ESPNAt least they don’t control sports yet (except yes, of course they do).
While owning all of Marvel and Star Wars would do wonders for Bob Iger's OCD, Fox has something a lot more valuable which Disney wants: TV shows. Buying Fox means getting their gloves on the entire back catalog of The Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy, and more. With Fox and Pixar in its pocket, Disney would basically own most of Western animation, leaving anti-Disney people with few things to binge on besides South Park and old anime -- otherwise known as a 4chan Friday night.
Studio GhibliExcept not all anime, because guess who distributes the good stuff.
And so we finally arrive at Disney's next big step in entertainment world domination: streaming. As a business model, streaming relies on "nostalgia programming," which is coincidentally also the term for how Disney brainwashed us into giving a crap about The Lion King, even though we haven't seen the movie in 25 years. By 2019, Disney will have removed all of its content from Netflix so it can start its own streaming service. And between its half-dozen geek movie franchises, Fox's TV shows, and its own century's worth of content, it will without a doubt blow all the competition out of the water.
But this isn't the only way Disney intends to burrow itself into the digital age. For years now, the corporation has been quietly dominating the under-12s internet with what is now called the Disney Digital Network, a string of Disney-only blogs that look like if China's propaganda arm was run by BuzzFeed. Now it's ready to go after the real internet prize: YouTube commenters. In 2014, it bought Maker Studios, which hosted a network of over 60,000 YouTube channels, including massively popular ones like Epic Rap Battles Of History. Disney then gutted and absorbed the studio into its new network, assimilating its 1,000 most worshiped streamers into the Disney brand, luring their massive Gen Z viewership to the Disney side of the internet like some weird reverse pedophile ring.
Which, if you're keeping count, only leaves social media, surely a platform too chaotic and under-performing for Disney to bother with, right? Wrong. Disney has already shown a great interest in acquiring Twitter, the favorite social media app of comedians and Nazis. And the app has been struggling for a while now, and will most likely be sold off to the highest bidder. Which will be Disney. It will always be Disney. It's only a matter of time before every moment you goof off at work, every minute you sit on the toilet scrolling through your phone, every weekend you waste binging on a show you've seen a million times before, you'll get it in the face by the squiggly D.
There is no escape.
Cedric Voets really wished he'd gone on the teacup ride one last time before writing this article. You can find more of his commie ravings on Twitter.
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