Related: 21 Cartoon Characters That Would Be Terrifying In Real Life

To top it all off, since jumping on the heads of their enemies would've been a bit gory with skates on, they decided to take out their much less frightening antagonists in a much less game-accurate way: by blowing them up. Which is ... better?

ABCIt's a safe bet this wasn't sponsored by PETA.

As for their archnemesis King Koopa, he was played by Mr. Belvedere, and looked relatively normal next to this lunacy. The same year, a local TV station in Southern California attempted to fix that oversight by giving Koopa his own show (King Koopa's Kool Kartoons) and making him resemble the Ninja Turtles' massively deformed grandmother.

FoxHe looks like the result of Fred Flintstone's drunken night of passion with his dishwasher.

Kool Kartoons was a short-lived failure that had nothing to do with Koopa or the other Mario characters. It primarily consisted of a dude in a horrifying mask introducing vintage cartoons from the '20s and '30s to a group of children he may or may not have been trying to traumatize. The fact that very little footage has surfaced from a show that aired during the VCR era is probably not an accident.

Related: The 7 Most Accidentally Horrifying Children's Characters

Pinocchio went on to be played by Mickey Rooney in a 1957 TV version that really went all-in on the phallic imagery. Rooney looked like a Bavarian boy who was captured by the Nazis and subjected to deranged experiments.

NBCIt really feels like he should be wearing a pair of undies over his face.

When Paul Reubens crept his way into children's television as Pee-Wee Herman 30 years later, TV executives naturally couldn't resist snatching him up to play a character with a schlong for a snout. So we ended up with this unneeded visual in a 1984 episode of Faerie Tale Theatre:

ShowtimeNot the only theater where Reubens grabbed his appendage.

And of course, no list of creepy Pinocchios could ever be complete without Roberto Benigni's 2002 adaptation, in which he looked like ... Roberto Benigni, with a giant nose. It's the most disturbing one so far.

Medusa DistribuzioneHas Geppetto ever seen a child?

You'd think the meager returns and poor reviews would discourage more directors from trying this again, but Guillermo del Toro is currently working on yet another adaptation. Get ready to find out what Doug Jones looks like with a dildo strapped to his face.

Related: 5 Beloved Children's Characters Out Of Your Worst Nightmares

We say "usually" because there's one notable exception: the 1966 live-action TV series where they inexplicably chose to depict him as an adult. More specifically, an adult who's about to tie you up in his basement.

TV AsahiWasn't this guy a time-traveling hitman in Umbrella Academy?

Mind you, this is only when the character's mouth isn't required to be open. Because when it is, he looks more like Leatherface with a mask made from a demon baby:

TV AsahiHe managed to shock himself thinking about what he's gonna do to you.

And you haven't even seen him in action yet! Truth be told, all you need to see is the eyes in motion. It makes him about as lovable as a Kit-Cat Clock come to life. A human-size Kit-Cat Clock. Armed with a sword.

TV Asahi"It's torture o'clock!"

Again, this was meant for children. It was not something intentionally calculated to deprive you of sleep. This marks the one and only instance in history in which the anime qualifies as the least creepy version.

Related: 6 Terrifying Children's Cartoons From Around The World

Related: 8 Traumatizing Early Versions Of Beloved Kids' Characters

And now here's monkey Mickey again, who somehow gains access to a miniature flying ship thing that he loads up with tiny torpedoes. Because that's what this abomination needs, more weapons.

Before you ask who signed off on all this, you should know that it was a person by the name of Walt Disney. If you ever need a reason to believe those rumors that Disney experimented with drugs, feel free to scroll back up and read this entry over again.

For more cartoons that should never, ever be live-action, check out Yingandyan.com

For more, check out The 6 Most Unintentionally Creepy Sitcom Characters - After Hours:

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on Facebook. Because why not?