7

Fukurokuju Is A Dick Head

NHK

Fukurokuju is hard to type, and let's face it, we're all hopelessly immature here anyway, so we're just going to call him Fuku. Fuku is one of the stars of Nihongo de Asobo (the unfortunate translation of which is "Let's Play With Japanese!"), an unassuming show which teaches Japanese youngsters all about their native language and culture. If you're expecting badass giant robots or creepy old men dressed as schoolgirls, look elsewhere; this is basically VeggieTales on a shoestring budget.

NHK
Actual shoestrings were probably involved in making this.

6

Mommi Ja Aabits Has Serial Killers Wearing The Skins Of Adorable Animals

Estonian Television

5

Mr. Noseybonk Will Eat Your Dreams

BBC

If Mr. Bean hate-fucked Jigsaw, their un-baby would grow up to be Mr. Noseybonk. He appeared in a segment on the early '80s BBC series Jigsaw, and holy shit, we thought we were only joking when we made that Saw quip a moment ago.

BBC
"Let's play a game. It's called 'Counting Your Orifices.' Nope, you're about to have one more!"

4

Mummenschanz And The Flayed Faces

Disney-ABC

Mummenschanz is a Swiss theater troupe that did some guest spots on The Muppet Show back in the '70s. They use masks and Steve Jobs turtlenecks to put on performances that sound kind of neat in concept, but in practice make us want to crawl back into our mommies' wombs as grown-ass adults.

Take this sketch, for example. In it, two performers build their own visages out of clay, as we watch with slowly building dread. One has mastered his art, while the other proceeds to get more and more agitated, until he's trying to flay the doughy flesh from his own face like he's in a Hellraiser outtake.

Disney-ABC
"God, this skin just never stays where you want it."

We guess the kids have to be introduced to body horror sometime. Up next: Fun With Flesh, Starring Davey Cronenberg.

3

Ratafak Plachta Will Send Its Flying Head For You

Czechoslovak Television

If creepy puppeteering were an Olympic sport, Czechoslovakia would handily sweep the gold (after chainsaw-murdering the rest of the competition). We're referring to Slniecko, and its star Ratafak Plachta (or "The King of Loathing, Unborn, and Barren" in R'lyehian), a seven-foot atrocity operated by two people beneath a bed sheet whom we're nearly certain are skinless under there. This is the face of a creature that wants to eat your fingers. Just the fingers.

Czechoslovak Television
While still attached to you, of course.

Ratafak is proof that the Soviets attempted to weaponize nightmares by splicing the genes of Christopher Lloyd, a featherless ostrich, a bloodthirsty gecko, and the ghost of your dear departed grandma. And somehow, it gets worse! His world exists in a constant state of fast-forward, so Ratafak seizes around as if madness were body fat and his doctor told him to get in shape.

Czechoslovak Television
Insanity doesn't burn off, but we think our retinas just did.

2

EC Is The Faceless Child Who Haunts Your Sleep

ABC-TV

1

Biss Och Kajs Is ... W-What Is This?

Sweden's Television

Young kids are obsessed with bodily functions, so in a way, the Swedish TV show Biss Och Kajs makes perfect sense, inasmuch as a show starring a walking assloaf and a sentient stream of piss can make perfect sense. After all, if only someone had bothered to teach us proper evacuation etiquette at an impressionable young age, our living rooms might not be wallpapered in restraining orders.

Our Swedish is a bit rusty, but from what we can gather, Piss and Shit are roomies who care for a terminally ill skeleton when they're not too busy having bondage play. Together, they work through their problems and chill on their couch, which must have one hell of a layer of Scotchgard on it. So it's essentially nothing more than a shittier (and pissier) version of Friends ... right up until we meet the butts, which have googly eyes and talk by booty popping.

Sweden's Television
Which we guess makes them the David Schwimmer in this analogy?

Raoni is the Hand chosen by the Master! His is the veil of blood! His is the sword of Michael!

For more reasons to lock your kids in their rooms until they're 18, check out 15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys For Children and 6 Classic Kids Shows Secretly Set In Nightmarish Universes.

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