Similarly clad in the desiccated skin of prepubescent sheep, the $115 Carmencita page marker has the added bonus of resembling an anal plug inspired by My Little Pony fanfiction:

Hermes ParisWe suppose you could use it as both, but you'll want to scotch-guard your books before getting too adventurous.

Pricing includes not just fine leathers and woods, but also the description writers' best efforts. The Equilibre d'Hermes collection of office items boasts that "balance is expressed on several different levels ... in carefully measured proportions ... [that] harmonise in pure, elementary forms ... designed to appeal to the senses and mind." With such premium-quality puffery, it's no wonder that Hermes is selling this maple office waste basket for $7,650:

Hermes ParisWe suppose the hyper rich never have to throw away anything that leaks.

Or this Taurillon leather-drenched magazine rack for $21,800:

Hermes ParisKeep your back issues of Juggs in the luxury they deserve.

This engraved, hand-lacquered Clou de Selle (eloquently translated by Google as "saddle nail") tissue box is a steal at $840:

Hermes ParisWhen you demand nothing but the best for your hundred-dollar snot rags.

Arguably the most pointless item in the Equilibre d'Hermes collection, the $1,875 magnifying glass, owes its price tag to an inexplicably asinine Taurillon leather base:

Hermes ParisIt gets the most mileage, however, out of all the people who will walk into your office and immediately ask "The hell?"

Goldgenie also offers the world's ugliest e-shisha, which is a pretentious word for a vape pen. At about $1,700, it's sure to inspire an even longer-lasting sentiment of disdain from anyone who sees you using it:

Goldgenie"... and some cotton candy E-juice, please."

It's a "sophisticated accent in any serveware collection," inspired by the Art Deco movement, because we all deserve some art history in our bar carts.

For downright peasants who only command eight-figure net worths, the same site offers a significantly cheaper and significantly uglier version from Franco Lapini:

ArtemestHis face is finely tooled to give the impression that he's thinking of all the better things you could've spent $13,000 on.

At the low, low price of only $13,000 and change, this "playful" bucket that is merely silver-plated doubles as a wine holder, but it could theoretically store any object of the appropriate dimensions if you want said object to become cursed. It "doesn't require any maintenance," unlike those pesky four-figure ice buckets, and serves as the perfect ironic gift for new-money tech millionaires.

If you've ever wished your trouser snake could be strangled by an actual snake, this is the item for you and your extremely specific fetish. All you have to do is plop down the price of a modest suburban home. One cock ring to rule them all, this piece of high art was born from an award-winning silversmith, who pours 100 hours of his heart and soul into each wang wrangle.

Individually crafted custom add-ons (such as engravings or gemstone) are also available, because you don't want to have the same gold snake cock ring as everyone else at that secret Illuminati orgy. How embarrassing.

Whipping out one of these bad boys is the best way to inspire envy at the gym -- aside from, you know, looking good or performing well. For those who can't be bothered with menial activities like jumping, LV offers something for the less athletic sportsman: a $2,210 portable table tennis set with regulation LV-monogrammed balls.

Louis VuittonBut what else are you going to use on your $48,000 ping pong table?

The top-of-the-line Diamond edition shines with the brilliance of 151 grams of solid white gold and 3,000 pave-laid diamonds, and the manly shotgun design is no gimmick. Its "two intelligent barrels" allow for the simultaneous inhalation of two different oils, if that's something you want to do. Is that something that vapists like to do? Best are the magnetic knuckle rings, which let people know that you're willing to punch them with the monetary equivalent of a Ferrari.

It features no image or golden engraving of Mother England subjugating island natives, and it isn't even lined with endangered red fox vellum. It's literally just a blank postcard. But it does include a postmark, so when you think about it, you're saving money.

Asprey also offers the world's haughtiest ruler, because the type of person who needs metal postcards is probably also pretty obsessive about their lines.

Asprey LondonIf you're going to engage in the dick-measuring contest of ridiculous extravagance, you might as well be precise.

The sterling silver Britannia Ruler lists every monarch to date, constantly reminding you of Britain's imperial glory, in case the $2,300 you just gave them didn't get the job done.

The M. Cohen wallet chain that hearkens back to a time when the members of Limp Bizkit could afford it costs $3,520, thanks to its "raw and precious elements," which better have been extracted from meteors. Competition is the heart of capitalism, so fortunately, Mastermind World also makes a high-end wallet chain for $3,129. This is arguably a better deal because it's cheaper and packs in way more douche-per-cubic-centimeter, thanks to its skull-shaped links:

Mastermid WorldIt's the perfect accessory if you're trying to impress a tenth-grader in 1997.

Of course it comes nestled within a full-sized replica Porsche, modeled and liveried as per Steve McQueen's ride from the 1971 movie Le Mans:

National General PicturesSo to recap, it's a toy that no kid plays with based on a movie no kid has heard of. Sounds promising.

Under the Porsche shell is a 1:32-scale replica of the Le Mans Raceway, "resplendent in its handcrafted detail." The track features realistic landscaping, hand-detailed aluminum guardrails, weathered poles, working streetlights that illuminate period-specific signage, and 12 slot cars designed after the leading Ferraris, Porches, and Lolas of the early '70s. The whole thing sits on real race-worn prototype tires, and it's equipped with functional headlights and taillights, making it damn-near street legal for the army of tiny slaves you keep in that one cupboard.

For that price, you receive not just a pair of speakers, but "the most time-domain correct loudspeaker in Wilson's history," which "plumbs new depths in terms of technology and execution." It utilizes perfect geometries and arcane magicks to offer an "intellectually and emotionally convincing verisimilitude of live music." And because you're a VIP with no time to waste, it delivers that experience to your ear holes in just five microseconds. They're not as dinky as that picture up there may appear, either. Those suckers are seven feet tall.

Wilson Audio"At long last, I can listen to autotuned cat novelty songs the way they were meant to be heard."

They don't blow your chardonnay into your hand, though, so honestly, what's the point?

The set, which costs 147,000 euros, or nearly $170,000, is the response to a question that Lieb Manufaktur magnanimously asked of themselves: "How can we combine game enjoyment with everlasting value and mind-blowing beauty?" Or to put it a bit differently: "Just how much can we swindle these jabronis for something they'd find in their grandpa's nursing home?"

The answer, which probably arrived in a coke-and-champagne-fueled fever dream, is mindless extravagance. The dominoes are hewn from more than five pounds of 18-karat gold, studded with 168 diamonds, and presented in a marble case of "prime selection."

Lieb ManufakturEnsuring that if you ever try making a domino chain, you're likely to do ten grand worth of damage.

The set is allegedly a "valuable investment for the future" -- presumably a bleak dystopian one in which dominoes forged from inferior materials have long ago withered to dust. "All hail Mighty King Domino," the godless desert nomads will salute.

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