Role-playing in sex is all about pretending to be someone you never could be in reality, so we're assuming rich people would probably act out a lonely and desperate hump over a deep fryer between two fast food employees. That feels right, doesn't it? Well, whatever you think of, "terrifying silver dog" probably isn't what comes to mind, and maybe that's why you're not rich.
The silver dog headgear may seem expensive at 450 bucks each, but digging a little deeper through the product specs reveals it has adjustable ears. A feature like that is so far off our sexual radar we can't even begin to imagine how that would make sex better, but we're willing to trust that the rich know what they're doing.
And for anyone out there who's really more of a cat person, there are leather cat ears available instead:
Excuse us for seven minutes -- the sexual heat is just too much.
While the cat ears aren't adjustable, the site still up-sells them as "great for dressing-up and going out."
To fucking where? Do rich people have some sort of highbrow furry convention we don't know about? Unless these masks aren't for rich people to wear at all. They're for rich people to put on poor people when they torture them for sport. Seriously, look at that model's thousand-yard stare and try to tell us she's in that headgear by choice.
They couldn't even get a model for the leather dog ears.
"Thrill Hammer" sounds like the name of a high school band, but it's actually a "Teledildonic Machine" that honestly looks like a penis missile hidden inside a postmodern coffee table. The thrill hammer weighs 700 pounds, and could just as easily be the winning project at the rapist science fair as a high-end sex toy. Its description is a mix between a luxury car brochure, a pornographic film intro and a crazy hobo rant.
"It has been written that the thrill hammer inventor has probably produced more orgasms than the most prolific porn stars, male or female, and he's done it without even touching his subjects. How does he do it? By creating beautiful works of art that do what they are intended to do. Creating the world's best orgasms from the best of class sex machines."
We think it can also be used for ghostbusting.
Each machine is customized, but it seems that aesthetics always take a backseat to function, since they all look like steampunk nightmares. But hey, who are we to question a "brain trust of artisans and technologist (sic)" who are "exploring the fringes of sex technology"?
It's difficult to imagine an audience for these ... devices, but their creator says most of his customers are "older professionals making a couple hundred grand a year" who don't have time to date. Thanks, good sir, for making it so that the next time we visit our dentist we'll be picturing her getting railed by one of these monstrosities.
"Open wide. My replacement piston isn't going to pay for itself!"
For more evidence that rich people are creepy, check out 5 Awesome Vehicles for the Extremely Wealthy and Insane and 7 Great Products for Telling the World You're a Rich Dick.