14 'Luxury' Sex Toys for the Extremely Rich and Creepy
Whether you're in the 99 percent or the 1 percent, sex is the one thing that unifies us all. It's not like the richest people on earth can upgrade to platinum genitals that fire aphrodisiac darts, right? Right?
Well, no they can't. But it turns out that rich people have access to all sorts of insane sex toys that the rest of us had no idea even existed. So the next time you see a celebrity or political sex scandal in the news, there's a chance they might have been using ...
Gold-Plated Prostate Massager
At first blush, this is just an 18-karat-gold-plated door handle. Then you read the description, "gentleman's pleasure object," and realize it's made to go up your butthole.
So now you have a classy gold tool that you might use to tickle your prostate discreetly in the country club sauna or furiously on the bow of your yacht, depending on how desensitized wealth has made you. But wait, what are those things that come with it? Travel prostate massagers? Actually, they're cufflinks, so you can advertise your favorite sex toy brand at black-tie galas, funerals and cancer fundraisers.
Presumably, the cuffs are special designed to not get in the way of even the most acrobatic butt-hole maneuvers.
The massager also comes with an "elegant wooden gift box," a "satin pouch for stylish storage" and a manual, which we assume consists entirely of fake stories for explaining to the emergency room staff how "the thing that flushes the toilet" got stuck in your butt.
"OK, but what about the other three we found in there?"
Silver Butt Plug, With Horse Tail
What, you thought the gold prostate massager was the most expensive luxury good made to stick in your butt? Think again.
This "unicorn" butt plug is made with an actual horse's mane, providing you maximum realism when you feel like lodging a shaft of solid silver in your rectum to role play as a mythological creature. Unlike your average butt plug, this is a product "inspired by human science and spirituality fused with lust for the finer things in life," which we assume means it was made by the world's finest butt plug scientists in their state-of-the-art butt plug laboratories. We wonder what they tell their children they do at work all day?
"I, uh ... reproduce fine pieces of art. That you put into your asshole."
Anyway, thanks to this cutting-edge technology available for just shy of $3,500, all a true gentleman needs for an evening of class is a bottle of port, a fine cigar and an evening on all fours making horsy sounds with his silver butt plug wedged in his rectum. Because that's what separates him from the masses.
Platinum Vibrator With Encrusted Diamonds
Prior to today, we thought "diamond-encrusted sex toy" was a derogatory term for a man who a woman marries for his money and sexual prowess. Yet this "decadent" platinum vibrator is encrusted with 28 diamonds on what we sincerely hope is not the business end. It may cost as much as a used car, but you can't put a price on the experience of turning your vagina into a metaphor that political cartoonists would call "too heavy-handed."
Just to be clear, all that money isn't just going toward the stones -- it's paying for the "proprietary technology" that's helping this vibrator "redefine the context and perception of sexual well-being." But if that were true, we're thinking you wouldn't need the diamonds as a selling point.
"But there's nothing harder than a diamond! Not even dicks!"
Actually, this just gets more depressing the more we think about it. Who is this for? What kind of message does it send if a guy gets this for his lady friend ("Honey, I've found something that perfectly mimics everything you like about me")? And what does it mean if a woman buys it for herself? We're not mocking women who buy vibrators, mind you. We're wondering how you get to an emotional place where you need diamonds on yours.
You remember the end of Blood Diamond, where the heroes sacrifice countless lives at great personal risk to get the precious stone out of the country, only for it to end up in a warehouse for De Beers? And how you thought that was the most depressing possible destination for a diamond these men risked their lives to smuggle? Think again.
"How am I supposed to get off if nobody died in the production of the object I'm having sex with?"
These handcuffs are plated with 24-karat gold -- use them as restraints while making love, or pursue a career as the world's pimpingest policeman. Also, they double as elegant jewelry. Seriously. The keys are attached to a gold necklace and the cuffs split apart into bracelets, which the site seems to think people might want to wear earnestly. It states, "Accessorize your romantic wardrobe, suggesting to your lover the infinite possibilities the evening will bring."
Wait, they're regulation? That changes everything!
"Infinite possibilities" presumably include the conversations you'll be having at parties about why you're intentionally wearing handcuffs in public. Is there any other excuse that's actually less humiliating than just saying they're for rough sex with a weird old rich person? Then again, if you're going to buy golden handcuffs, it seems equally absurd to just keep them shut away in a drawer where the rest of the world can't covet them.
Luxury Gold Flake Massage Oil
Cost: $45 a bottle
Everyone knows that giving your partner a massage is the fancy way of saying, "I want to do you but I'm willing to take my time about it." So when a bottle of fancy massage oil enters an already fancy situation, the whole state of affairs enters critical levels of fanciness.
The "proprietary formula" (Jesus, the luxury sex toy industry is just full of top secret technologies) leaves the skin "tantalizingly soft and sensually scented." With scents like "Balsam Fir & Bergamot," we can deduce that rich people are particularly turned on by the smell of either Christmas trees or cleaning products. But that's not why it costs 45 dollars: it's the 24-karat-gold flakes they've mixed in that are responsible for that.
"Make sure you shower over that pan, dear, I'm trying to collect a gold bar."
The gold is included to give your body "an eye-catching shimmer," because that's the sort of absurd addition that separates a regular sex aid from a luxury one. On one hand, this may be the closest wealthy people can get to fucking their own money while still technically having sex with a person. On the other hand, isn't this how Goldfinger killed people?
Sterling Silver and Cherry Wood Spanking Rod
We're told this spanker's "anatomic handle" improves its "grip and overall balance." That sounds more like the description of a golf club or a sports car, but those are apparently the buzzwords you need to get anyone to spend over three grand on a stick. In fact, we've calculated that you could buy a skill saw, some blocks of mahogany, an electric sander, wood stain and two experts to build you an identical spanking rod minus the silver, and still have enough money left over to have each of the craftsmen killed so that your spanker can never be duplicated.
When designer Betony Vernon isn't showing off her sex toys at international exhibitions, she's holding educational seminars like "Bettering Your Sexual Skills." It makes sense that anyone who's willing to spend that much on a glorified paint mixer would want to make damn sure they're using it properly.
Which is probably why she included this image on the page. You know, so you know what spanking is.
Don't think for a minute that slapping people in the ass with objects is just a masculine job either. This crystal-handled whip is the feminine answer to the cherry wood spanking rod. The site calls it "the ultimate in feminine domination." The crystal handle will add an air of dignity as you pretend your lover is an obstinate mule while you ride him around the bedroom.
But aside from the site description and the absurd price, what guarantee is there that this whip is right for you?
Don't laugh, they're out of fucking stock, so someone is buying them.
Luckily, the maker sells that, too; Agent Provocateur (their sex toys aren't filthy if they use French terms!) offers the complementary services of a personal shopper. With just one phone call you'll be in touch with an expert who can answer any question, from "How many uses can the leather withstand?" to "What bodily openings is this safe to shove into?" Somehow, we just know the majority of their calls come mid-coitus for some "field troubleshooting."
This work of "exotic beauty" is made of 18-karat gold and marabou feathers. Exotic beauty, it turns out, looks suspiciously like a duster. Though there is a noticeable difference in the price, as this product is just north of $4,500. It's a shame, too, because that extra six bucks puts it just out of our budget.
"Is the blindfold tight? OK, we're going to play a little guessing game ..."
Honestly, we can see the appeal here -- the marabou is an African stork, an exotic foreign animal. You're not going to find many sex toys made with African bird feathers and gold, which is exactly the sort of extra touch that wealthy people are looking for.
Too bad a marabou looks like this ...
Ad analytics tell us no more than 10 percent of our readers find this arousing.
... and primarily lives on rotting carcasses and shit. So the next time you're handcuffed to a bed and wearing a blindfold, go ahead and try to imagine that plumage tickling your genitals is anything other than a glorified vulture looking for a piece of you that's dead enough to eat.
Finally, a product you can afford. Keep in mind, however, it's a product you can only use once, and most Planned Parenthood centers will give them away for free. You might assume all condoms are basically the same, but you would be wrong. Dead wrong.
According to the creators of Naked Condoms, these are "the finest condoms in the world." They gloat over the "craftsmanship" and "technology" of each disposable sperm receptacle as if the wearer were protecting his dick with a Ferrari. And from the way they tell it, more scientific breakthroughs were made to design their condom than were needed to build the atom bomb:
"Naked spent over three years in research and development designing the foil. The challenge ... was to eliminate the unpleasant design found on standard condoms and to allow the foil to tear easily from either direction while maintaining the integrity of the packaging. Six layers of foil are used so that they protect, tear and feel perfect."
Why hasn't NASA made a statement about this yet?
Just to be clear, they spent over three years of R&D for the goddamn wrapper. Because everyone knows the best parts of having sex are the 20 or 30 sensual seconds of clumsily putting a piece of rubber on a dick. The 28 dollars you paid for a six pack won't feel like a waste at all when you and your lover shudder in ecstasy as you tear apart the packaging together. Shit, why even have sex after that?
There's a good chance you already have a mirror in your house, so why should you spend over a grand and a half on one that's only used for watching yourself rub one out? Well for starters, it's got a little stand thingy to keep it propped up and aimed at your crotch. So there's that. But more importantly, this mirror has a mission statement -- it's designed to "represent an articulated interface for the exploration of the sensual realm." It also brings "a new dimension to the world of fine jewelry by discreetly enriching the classical function of body ornament with sensorial power."
Wow! That's a really, really pretentious way of saying, "use this to ogle your junk." Really, why do the sellers muddy the waters with flowery language, like "re-evaluating the aesthetics of desire," when they can instead just point out that anyone who is turned on by the sight of himself jerking off is amazingly self-sufficient? But, no, that's not enough. The wealthy people don't just jerk off -- they break new ground.
Also comes in the John Holmes model.
It makes us wonder if you're allowed to use this mirror for anything else, since the marketing is so specific. Can we still trim our nose hairs in this mirror even when we're not balls-deep in our own fist? Does it even reflect anything other than genitalia? For $1,598, we will probably never know.
Pearl Anal Beads
We all know that anyone can cram beads in their ass, but when you can afford to fork over 430 bucks for the privilege, you want it to mean something. Thankfully, there are pearl anal beads for the refined enthusiasts of ass play. The site that sells them tells potential buyers the history and special significance of pearls:
"In mythology, these pearls were thought to be the crystallized tears of Aphrodite and symbolic of love and wisdom through experience."
"I don't have any pockets. Where the hell am I supposed to put this?"
See the difference the background information makes? Apparently there is at least a foot and a half of wisdom to be had from these goddess tears. Gaining an appreciation for the rich mythology of pearls will ensure that they are far and away the most spiritual, philosophical and beautiful objects you'll ever jam up your own asshole. And while the site makes no mention of it, we also imagine this is one of the easiest sex toys to explain away when discovered by children or nosy in-laws. That is, provided you're willing to wrap these shit jewels around you like a necklace to throw them off the scent.
Jade Cock Ring
Not all cock rings are created equal, and don't let the fat cats in Big Cock Ring tell you otherwise. This jade ring, yours for just 135 dollars, is "carved into the shape of Ouroboros, the serpent that ate its own tail. Ouroboros is the symbol of rebirth and the continuity of life, therefore well-suited to adorn his talent."
Self-cannibalizing cocks are every man's secret fantasy.
We're not sure if it's supposed to be symbolic of sex or auto-fellatio, but either way using it will make your boner far more sophisticated than usual. Although the rich metaphor is somewhat diluted by the fact that it's immediately followed by instructions for use that hint at the many, many ways a cock ring could be disastrous for your junk. You're also explicitly warned that jade breaks easily, which is great because nothing enhances some hot, passionate lovemaking like the constant fear of jade shards getting lodged in your erection.
Role-playing in sex is all about pretending to be someone you never could be in reality, so we're assuming rich people would probably act out a lonely and desperate hump over a deep fryer between two fast food employees. That feels right, doesn't it? Well, whatever you think of, "terrifying silver dog" probably isn't what comes to mind, and maybe that's why you're not rich.
The silver dog headgear may seem expensive at 450 bucks each, but digging a little deeper through the product specs reveals it has adjustable ears. A feature like that is so far off our sexual radar we can't even begin to imagine how that would make sex better, but we're willing to trust that the rich know what they're doing.
And for anyone out there who's really more of a cat person, there are leather cat ears available instead:
Excuse us for seven minutes -- the sexual heat is just too much.
While the cat ears aren't adjustable, the site still up-sells them as "great for dressing-up and going out."
To fucking where? Do rich people have some sort of highbrow furry convention we don't know about? Unless these masks aren't for rich people to wear at all. They're for rich people to put on poor people when they torture them for sport. Seriously, look at that model's thousand-yard stare and try to tell us she's in that headgear by choice.
They couldn't even get a model for the leather dog ears.
Related: Why Doesn’t Trump Wear A Mask
The Thrill Hammer
"Thrill Hammer" sounds like the name of a high school band, but it's actually a "Teledildonic Machine" that honestly looks like a penis missile hidden inside a postmodern coffee table. The thrill hammer weighs 700 pounds, and could just as easily be the winning project at the rapist science fair as a high-end sex toy. Its description is a mix between a luxury car brochure, a pornographic film intro and a crazy hobo rant.
"It has been written that the thrill hammer inventor has probably produced more orgasms than the most prolific porn stars, male or female, and he's done it without even touching his subjects. How does he do it? By creating beautiful works of art that do what they are intended to do. Creating the world's best orgasms from the best of class sex machines."
We think it can also be used for ghostbusting.
Each machine is customized, but it seems that aesthetics always take a backseat to function, since they all look like steampunk nightmares. But hey, who are we to question a "brain trust of artisans and technologist (sic)" who are "exploring the fringes of sex technology"?
It's difficult to imagine an audience for these ... devices, but their creator says most of his customers are "older professionals making a couple hundred grand a year" who don't have time to date. Thanks, good sir, for making it so that the next time we visit our dentist we'll be picturing her getting railed by one of these monstrosities.
"Open wide. My replacement piston isn't going to pay for itself!"
For more evidence that rich people are creepy, check out 5 Awesome Vehicles for the Extremely Wealthy and Insane and 7 Great Products for Telling the World You're a Rich Dick.