9 Everyday Household Items (Only Rich Idiots Would Buy)

9

A $100 Tube Of Toothpaste

Those who've wondered what it's like to actually pour money down the drain can now experience the sensation right from the comfort of their bathrooms. The good people at Theodent have created a "luxury" toothpaste that, at $100 for a 3.4 ounce tube, lets you scrub your teeth with ten thousand pennies. Called "Theodent 300" and offering vague "clinical strength," the tube itself looks like it was invented by a cartoon rich person just before they threatened to shut down the local rec center.

Theodent

Like most activities involving $100 and putting stuff in your mouth, brushing with Theodent is a little dodgy. Instead of fluoride, Theodent contains a proprietary substance called "Rennou," which is derived from cocoa plants and will -- allegedly -- keep your teeth from rotting and help get Kool-Aid stains off your tongue.

If you're not up for diving head first into the world of luxury toothpaste, you can play in the shallow end with the Classic or Kids versions of Theodent, which are available on Amazon for a more comfortable $12 or $13. The kids' stuff tastes like chocolate, so good luck teaching them not to eat it.

Theodent

8

A $250 Jump Rope

Learning to jump rope was a childhood rite of passage, as was finding "jumpable" stuff, like garden hoses, shoe laces, your mom's good towels, death shrouds, etc. Apparently, someone didn't get that jumping random stuff was the whole point, and created a $250 jump rope because ... actually, we're not sure why.

Shophock Apparently it was time to reinvent the rope.

7

A Plain, Ordinary Candle That's $470

If you literally have money to burn, then we've got the product for you. Thanks to Jo Malone London, you can watch your money go up in smoke while enjoying the "compelling" scents of "Lime Basil And Mandarin" or "Pomegranate Noir," the latter of which is a name that means absolutely nothing. Should you choose to indulge, each candle will set you back one (or two, or three) month's car payment of $470.

Jo Malone Featuring the exhilarating aroma of flaming money and bad decisions.

6

A Leather-Wrapped Plastic Igloo Cooler For $1800

You may not be familiar with the adage "Leather and water go great together," possibly because nobody has ever said it ever. That small fact didn't dampen the spirits of the Lappas company, who decided a leather-wrapped cooler was just the thing for rich people needing to terrify party guests and keep their drinks cold at the same time.

Neiman Marcus "You remember my old business partner? Let's just say I finally found a use for him."

5

$1220 For A Regulation Football Made Of Python

Fortunately for pigs, they don't make footballs like they used to. While no one is throwing around literal pigskin anymore, the options available for football material have never been more diverse. In fact, if you're itching to impress your friends with a super-deluxe session of catch, you can even toss a ball made out of python.

Bergdorf Goodman Assuming you can get anybody to actually touch it.

4

14k Gold Staples For $118

When you are genuinely out of ideas and at a loss for what to spend money on, you can always spring for some solid gold staples. Sold by Garmentory, you can get 24 gold staples -- plus a nifty box -- for $118. While that seems pretty steep, it works out to just $4.92 per staple, which is perfect for those really special moments when a stack of papers needs just a little bit extra to keep them together.

Garmentory Like the papers that contain your divorce settlement.

3

A $100,000 Wet Razor

If you have a hundred large lying around, or if your facial hair is the consistency of Kevlar, you might be in the market for the world's most expensive razor. It's made out of iridium, a substance that comes from meteorites and is so incredibly hard it's mostly used to make rocket engines. Obviously, the next best use for this material, right after propelling things into orbit, is removing hair from your body.

Zafirro Iridium After removing six digits from your bank account.

It's manufactured by Zafirro, who says their facial hedge clipper "pushes the boundaries of technology while creating an aesthetic that could be the centerpiece of a gallery collection." In other words, it's needlessly high-tech, but it's also kinda pretty. It's available only in limited quantities, probably because iridium is only available in limited quantities. If you're overburdened by a hundred grand and have questionable judgment, you can pre-order it on their website, and the purchase does include free service on the sapphire blades and pure platinum screws for 20 years. We assume the only shaving cream worthy of this little gem is made of jellied pearls stripped from the ocean's rarest clams, but Zafirro's website neither confirms nor denies this.

2

A Designer Toothpaste Squeezer for $195

For those days when your own fist simply won't do, you can eke out a perfect glob of toothpaste with this designer toothpaste squeezer. According to theline.com, "This chrome-plated brass device affords a precise start and end to each day by ensuring you get the most out of every tube of toothpaste." It's the perfect thing for anyone looking for completely unnecessary items to fill up counter space in an overly large bathroom.

The Line If you run out of room, we have a suggestion for where you can put it.

For the bargain price of $195, you can have the satisfaction of wringing the last fraction of a cent of toothpaste out of each tube, and rest in the knowledge that if you live to see 150 years you might eventually break even (please note this does not apply if you are using Theodent 300).

The Line In fact, if you put a tube of Theodent 300 into this thing, we're pretty sure your bathroom will explode.

1

A $100-A-Month Toilet Paper Subscription

If you thought toilet paper was the great equalizer, and that rich people wipe with the same paper squares as the rest of us plebes, think again. There is, in fact, toilet paper for the astoundingly wealthy. And it isn't just dollar bills.

Joseph's Toiletries "Put it on a roll? Like for the anuses of the poor?"

Zurich-based Joseph's Toiletries offers a monthly toilet paper subscription for the bargain price of $100. Per person. Calling itself "toilet paper reinvented," the natural "tissue pads" come with a bottom wash infused with vitamin B5 and zinc, which gets you all those vitamins that you've apparently been missing while you've been using the bathroom like a peasant.

bbbrrn/iStock "Man, I am dying for some B5 ..."