It's Time To Talk About That Awful Sonic Movie Trailer

It's taking a big bite out of other franchises with its gross human teeth.
It's Time To Talk About That Awful Sonic Movie Trailer

There's a lot of opposing opinions going around about the upcoming Detective Pikachu movie, with some looking forward to the fresh cinematic take on a video game franchise, while others would pay with their lives to unmake every image of a real-life Lickitung. But whatever the movie's eventual merits will be, much like a third-world dictator long before their trial at the Hague, Detective Pikachu's legacy has already been sealed. We will all remember it as the movie that opened the door to this abomination:

It's Time To Talk About That Awful Sonic Movie Trailer
Paramount Pictures
"And where Nyarlathotep went, rest vanished, for the small hours were rent with the screams of nightmare." -- H.P. Lovecraft

In the kind of age in which we're apparently supposed to be fine with ultra-realistic video game rodents on our screen, Sega and Paramount have teamed up to bring us something no one has ever wanted ever: a Sonic The Hedgehog movie.

At least, we're pretty sure this is a movie about Sonic the Hedgehog. There's an at-risk teen with Werewolf Syndrome who vaguely looks like the beloved character, but the rest of the trailer is mostly a mishmash of stolen tropes from other, more successful films. There's the ironic old-school soundtrack from every other superhero movie, the small-town everyman teaming up with an alien force to save the Earth from half of Michael Bay's screenplay napkins, James Marsden having awkward car convos with non-Zootopia animals, and for some reason, Portal?

It's Time To Talk About That Awful Sonic Movie Trailer
Paramount Pictures
Just to remind audiences of all the fun video game adaptations they're currently missing out on.

And that's the few parts of the trailer that aren't an acting reel for Jim Carrey trying to prove he can still out-Lemony-Snicket the likes of Neil Patrick Harris any day of the week. Which brings us to the inevitable comparison Sega would rather everyone forget. If you strip Sonic the Hedgehog of his video game magic and just slap a boilerplate cat-and-mouse plot to his quills, all you're left with is an incredible fast animal racing along the highways of mountainous America and dodging government gadgets. That's the formula for Road Runner cartoons, which have been around since the 1940s and don't require you to go to decades of counseling immediately after watching them. If there's a silver lining to this monstrosity, at least Sonic isn't pregnant.

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