America’s Worst Candy Is Saved By Its Second-Worst Candy
In July, we reported on the news that Necco Wafers, the candy that sought to answer the question of how to make a gingerbread house that complies with modern building codes, had finally declared bankruptcy. And given how many death threats we received from your meaner grandmothers, that news shocked enough people to make other companies think there is still a market for inedible chalk. So this week, it was revealed that Necco Wafers have been saved, and will resume being made by a candy company that's faring much better in modern sugary times: the makers of ... Circus Peanuts? Are you goddamn kidding us?
Since the closing of the New England Confectionery Co. and its factory, rumors had been flying of a mysterious buyer who had picked up of the brand licenses to Necco Wafers and Candy Hearts, giving hope to waferheads that the Ghost of Candy Past could be resurrected. This week, it was announced that their prayers had been answered, as Necco Wafers and Candy Hearts have been acquired by Spangler Candy Co., the manufacturer of candy canes, Dum Dum lollipops, and Circus Peanuts, the original orange national disgrace. And it shows how far the Necco name has fallen that the one company willing to buy it clearly only did so to make a product that reminds people of elephant abuse look good by comparison.
Of course, even if the company decides to reopen Necco's original New England factory and (hopefully) rehire all those laid-off workers, it will take time to fire up the machines that grind all those diabetic Boston stray cats into the fine powder they make the wafers out of. According to CEO Kirk Vashaw, they're aiming for a "Sweethearts relaunch for the 2020 Valentine season, and hope to reintroduce Necco Wafers to the marketplace in 2019." So it'll still be a while before Spangler assembles the Avengers of disappointing candies.
Meanwhile, the fate of New England Confectionery Co.'s even less popular candies will also be sealed this week, as they will be sold off, in what the industry is calling "the biggest candy auction of the 21st century." And seeing as we're talking about the sale of Mighty Malt Milk Balls, Haviland Thin Mints, Sky Bar, and Peach Blossoms, that's so depressing that Willy Wonka must be Twizzlering in his grave.
For more weird tangents and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more, check out The DC Universe Just Added A New Character ... Dr. Phil? and There's A Whole Video Game Hidden In Google Search.
Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.
Follow us on Facebook. If you like jokes and stuff.