So a few weeks ago, Cracked's head layout editor Logan Trent posed to Twitter a riddle for the ages:
Three days later, the mystery was solved:
Here at Cracked, we model our lives, careers, and haircuts after acclaimed newspaperman J. Jonah Jameson. So of course, the only sane response here was "BRING US PHOTOS OF SPIDER-MAN ... with Steve Buscemi's eyes."
Logan (who, if we are to extend this analogy, is secretly Spider-Man and/or Steve Buscemi) obliged:
Man, those were some great photos of Spider-Man with Steve Buscemi's eyes, weren't they? But as you might've noticed, Cracked publishes more than photos of Spider-Man with Steve Buscemi's eyes every single day. In fact, Cracked began as a humor magazine in 1958. Back then, there were only two kinds of entertainment -- listening to Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" for untold rapturous hours, and smoking -- so it was a fine time to launch a comedy publication.
So yeah, it's been 60 years, and Cracked's still here. Further, we fully intend to be around for another 60 billion years, at which point we will have stopped being a website and evolved into a huge, ever-growing, pulsating brain that rules from the center of the Ultraworld.
And that, friends, is where you come in.
Cracked's always looking for new talent, experience be damned. Seriously, here is an entire big ol' page explaining exactly how to write (and make funny photos) for us. Not only will you get the satisfaction of knowing you're part of a 60,000,000,060-year tradition of comedic excellence, but you will also be paid. In money!
But that's not all. We'd love to know more about you and your cool lives, dear readers. Are you a historian writing a book on big-ass viking axes? Are you a line cook with shocking and salacious insights into the restaurant business? Are you currently frozen inside a giant block of ice at an indeterminate coordinate somewhere south of Tierra del Fuego? Drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with thousands and thousands of readers.
Just don't bring us more photos of Spider-Man with Steve Buscemi's eyes. We already have those.
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
Follow us on Facebook, and we'll follow you everywhere.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.