5 Street Drugs Your Doctor Might Prescribe You Someday

The idea behind most forms of drug treatment is to slowly wean addicts off of their dependence. Because it's done in a controlled setting, you reduce the risk of accidental overdose and the toxic effects from tainted drugs. Though it isn't always practical or advisable to wean addicts off of their drug of choice using the exact same substance. For example, with people addicted to opiates and opioids, we usually use methadone, but that treatment has a number of limitations. In fact, recent research has suggested that, at least when compared to methadone, heroin-assisted treatment (HAT) methods may have better results. (In related news, we now have a new favorite inappropriate acronym. Step aside, Pederasts Under Punitive Prosecution for Youth-Crimes.)

In one study, researchers found that opioid addicts treated with heroin improved in both health and social stabilization, reducing their drug use at levels superior to similar methadone treatment programs. Even more interestingly, after four weeks, there were no detectable intoxication effects -- subjects could have potentially been able to drive after dosing up. Nobody wanted to be the first to hand them the keys to the school bus or anything, but still, that's theoretically impressive.

Heroin-assisted treatment is already a thing in some parts of the world. In both England and Switzerland, doctors can dispense small amounts of heroin to patients if they haven't been successful with methadone programs. The main barrier to implementing this program everywhere is really nothing but mindset. We'd have to stop considering addiction a moral failing, stop applying any kind of inherent morality to the drugs themselves, and start treating it like a health issue.

So, uh, have fun with methadone forever, Americans.

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Oh wait, you know what hurts worse? Giving birth.

Sure, there are breathing techniques, mental focusing tricks, and good old-fashioned yelling to try to cope with the pain, but those don't work for everyone. And in those cases, pain relief drugs aren't merely useful; they are the business.

Now, obviously, whatever drug you use can't pose any threat to the baby's health. And the mother needs to stay lucid and responsive to ensure labor proceeds normally. Those two conditions rule out a whole bunch of drugs, including just about anything served in a tumbler with ice. There are more advanced procedures, like epidurals, but those require highly specialized doctors to insert a needle into the spine while their patient thrashes about and screams a hole through time itself.

So basically, epidurals aren't an option in developing countries. And that's where ketamine comes in. That's right, ketamine! Good ol' Special K, the '90s club drug famously sourced from horse tranquilizers. Ketamine was in fact meant to be human surgical anesthesia all along -- it was used extensively during the Vietnam War for anesthetizing wounded soldiers. It was effective, safe, and relatively easy to use, which also makes it super useful during labor in developing countries. Studies have shown that ketamine provides significant, measurable pain relief to women in labor, with no adverse effects to the baby or mother.

Although Cracked's official position on labor is that it sucks and no one should do it, for the furtherance of the species and general sanity of new mothers everywhere, this maybe feels like something worth pursuing.

Related: From Poop Plugs to Pills: The History of Birth Control

Study after study on MDMA-assisted therapy has shown positive effects, and it doesn't lead to dependencies on the drug. In fact, MDMA was studied for this exact purpose in the U.S. way back in the 1970s, well before the drug was made illegal and the glow sticks kicked in.

Legal pressures on the drug are slowly easing up, though. The FDA has recently allowed it to be studied in well-defined trials. The only downside being their cost. Because the point isn't to take MDMA forever and ever and dance your problems away, drug companies aren't that keen to finance the therapy.

So if any of you has several million dollars and a closet full of finger-painted JNCOs, have we got an investment opportunity for you ...

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That on its own is worth pursuing, but psilocybin can also help cancer patients or others in palliative care. It should not surprise you to learn that people who know they're going to die don't always feel too great about that, and can potentially spend their last days in a cloud of depression. Using psilocybin not only helps these patients come to terms with what's happening to them, but also gives them the mental clarity to bond with their loved ones, finish their bucket lists, or possibly just execute that flawless revenge they've been meaning to get around to. Here's a story about a woman diagnosed with colon cancer and given mere months to live who came out of the ensuing depression, repaired her relationships, and hiked the Grand Canyon for a spell before ultimately dying at home, surrounded by loved ones. And all thanks to the same thing you and your stoner friends use to pretend to be Gummi Bears down at the KOA.

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