What is everyone on your social media feed up in arms about today? Right now, it's this:
We were all warned about this in driver's ed. The horrific accidents that result in a road covered in dead eels. I remember watching Eel Asphalt, and feeling nauseated at the scenes of a careless teenager covered head to toe in eel mucus. I comforted myself with the thought that this could never happen to me. But it seems frighteningly real, seeing these gruesome images of cars slick with eel sauce like some kind of weird car/tentacle monster porn. So please everyone, watch the road: you're one text away from getting eel snot in your body cavities.
For far too long The Man has oppressed Texas's sword community. But as of September 1st, a new double-edged day will dawn. Joining the great knife proud states of Montana and Oklahoma, Texas House Bill 1935 allows LARPers and responsible stabbers to freely tout their long blades in public, with a few notable exceptions - like schools, churches and bars - sadly forcing liquored up machete fights to remain in the shadows. The advocacy group Knife Rights celebrated this victory from the halls of Congress, where they are hard at work trying to repeal the liberty crushing Federal Switchblade Act.
As much as we'd love to claim this man got stuck by trying to crawl inside the machine to steal money, he was in fact a hired contractor who was changing the locks to the little room that leads to the machine. Because God loves to dick around with mortals, he of course got locked inside. He was eventually rescued after passing notes begging for help through the receipt slot, and police officers were called. But imagine the mindscrew upon receiving one of those notes. Tiny men live inside our machines and make them run, and they're finally rising up against their imprisonment. The next time I make toast I'll receive a note through the slot pleading, "Free me. Free us all."
Kid Rock, whose name is deceptive on both ends, posted a link to a "Kid Rock for Senate" website, reassuring his audience that it is very "real." At this point America hasn't jumped the shark, it's rocketed over a sea full of sharks, spinning so quickly around the earth that we've traveled back in time to jump the shark again. So the prospect of Kid Rock winning a senate seat, once so ridiculous we'd forget it in an instant, is now horrifyingly tangible. "Yeah, who knows, he could be president," we murmur, voices thin and distant, our eyes dead and black but for the reflected images of Kid Rock posing in a stupid hat. Does his campaign website feature a large photo of him seated next to a full bodied taxidermy deer? Yes, and frankly at this point we're too exhausted to put up a fight. Kid Rock/Dead Deer 2020.
In response to this vicious rumor, Kim Kardashian first tweeted, "That's sugar from our candy mess from dylan's candy shop," which only led me to ask, "We're calling coke sugar now? And how can I get hooked up with this dealer Dylan and his 'candy shop?'" But then Kim Kardashian showed that the table was marble, and the white streaks turned out to be just part of the natural rock formation. I can't tell you how many times police officers have mistaken my natural rock formations for "drugs" and "all the necessary ingredients to manufacture meth."
Florida Man is back in the news! This time, he's the victim of an endless hoard of monkeys. These monkeys apparently come from the nearby Silver Springs State Park, where they were introduced as a river boat attraction in the 1930's. It's the old, cliche tale of mankind playing god by bringing monkeys to a park in Florida, then the monkeys rising up and destroying mankind. Not only do they have an appetite for stolen food, they are absolutely riddled with the Herpes B virus. So they're probably having wild, diseased orgies after gorging themselves on deer snacks. And if you think you'll be safe from catching monkey herpes as long as you never respond to that monkey's tempting booty calls, think again: their bite will (very rarely) infect humans, which can be fatal. And though I said "rarely," I think it's time to panic about this vicious, deer-feed-stealing pestilence that is ravaging the nation. Or at least ravaging Florida, the skin tag of the nation.
Do women stop having boobs after 80 years old? Nope. Neither do they lose the ability to show them to crowds of thousands on screen at a baseball stadium. After being displayed on the Jumbotron, this older woman got so into the baseball spirit, she lifted up her shirt to flash the audience. Her bra was still on, so it's probably not illegal, and you know what? I'm not going to condemn this. 80 year old women can still be sexy and confident. That's right. Old people do sex. And they like it. Even your grandparents. Right now, there are hundreds of thousands of old people exploring each other's naked bodies and there's nothing wrong with that and you can't stop them. This old lady is a boobs hero and I salute her.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.