As much as we'd love to claim this man got stuck by trying to crawl inside the machine to steal money, he was in fact a hired contractor who was changing the locks to the little room that leads to the machine. Because God loves to dick around with mortals, he of course got locked inside. He was eventually rescued after passing notes begging for help through the receipt slot, and police officers were called. But imagine the mindscrew upon receiving one of those notes. Tiny men live inside our machines and make them run, and they're finally rising up against their imprisonment. The next time I make toast I'll receive a note through the slot pleading, "Free me. Free us all."
Kid Rock, whose name is deceptive on both ends, posted a link to a "Kid Rock for Senate" website, reassuring his audience that it is very "real." At this point America hasn't jumped the shark, it's rocketed over a sea full of sharks, spinning so quickly around the earth that we've traveled back in time to jump the shark again. So the prospect of Kid Rock winning a senate seat, once so ridiculous we'd forget it in an instant, is now horrifyingly tangible. "Yeah, who knows, he could be president," we murmur, voices thin and distant, our eyes dead and black but for the reflected images of Kid Rock posing in a stupid hat. Does his campaign website feature a large photo of him seated next to a full bodied taxidermy deer? Yes, and frankly at this point we're too exhausted to put up a fight. Kid Rock/Dead Deer 2020.