He was sentenced to three-to-five years of wearing this haircut.
We hold our celebrities to a high standard ... when it comes to delivering Star Wars movies. But when it comes to things like "not being an inhuman monster," we're a bit more lax. That's why, every once in a while, we must remind ourselves that shiny hair and a chiseled jawline do not make a good person.
For seven compelling seasons Jon Hamm played ad man, identity thief, and playboy extraordinaire Don Draper. But back in college, Jon Hamm majored in beating the ever-loving shit out of an underclassman before setting him on fucking fire. Flashback to 1990: A student at the University of Texas, and an ensconced member of the Sigma Nu fraternity, Hamm was charged with helping young pledges with their studies. He did so by asking them to memorize a series of phrases, and to repeat them exactly -- under threat of extreme violence.
Texas Student Media
When young Mark Allen Sanders failed to satisfactorily repeat his list, Hamm grew "mad, I mean really mad." Together with four of his frat brothers, Hamm shoved Sanders' face in the dirt, paddled him in the goddamned kidneys, and led him around like a dog (except not really, because only a psychopath would lead their dog around via a claw hammer hooked to the taint). Then, like fine French chefs, the frat brothers set Sanders' pants on fire and served up his testicles en flambe.
Unsurprisingly, Sanders checked into the hospital and quietly checked out of enrollment at the University of Texas. UT shut down its Sigma Nu chapter. The five perpetrators were charged with hazing, assault, and somehow making frat boys look even worse than usual.
Patrick Swayze fancied himself a bit of a pilot, and on June 1, 2000, he really emphasized that "bit" part. That's when Swayze -- the victim of an apparent cabin depressurization -- aimed his Cessna 414A in the general direction of an under-construction housing development near Prescott Valley, Arizona, narrowly missed a parked truck, sheared off half of the right wing on a streetlamp, bounced through an intersection, then took out a stop sign and another streetlamp before finally crashing into an electrical box and jarring to a stop. Miraculously, no one on the ground was hurt, and all three passengers -- Swayze and his two dogs -- emerged unscathed. And staggeringly, impressively drunk.
Construction workers Brian Nelson, Adam Martin, and Joshua Angel approached the plane when Swayze -- by some reports so off his ass that he thought he'd successfully landed near his ranch in New Mexico -- hurriedly convinced them to dispose of "a 30-pack of Miller Lite, including eight empties, from the plane's wing compartment, and an open bottle of Chimney Rock Cabernet Sauvignon from the cockpit." (This good deed would earn each of the misguided Samaritans misdemeanor charges.) Then Swayze bummed a ride into town from a fourth worker, where he would spend the next 12 hours actively ignoring calls from Federal investigators -- conveniently, the perfect amount of time to render a sobriety test completely worthless.
Kiefer Sutherland's idea of "having a drink" is draining a bottle of J&B Scotch Whiskey, and his idea of "a good time" is jumping behind the wheel and racing a blackout drunk home. He's racked up four DUIs since 1989, with a 2004 arrest landing him five years probation, and a 2007 one landing him 48 days in jail.
And here's the kicker: Two short days after the latter conviction, the star was spotted ordering a drink -- his signature J&B Scotch Whiskey. It's a dangerous pattern that, if not kept in check, will unquestionably lead to a tragic death or, even scarier, a country music career. Oh god -- oh god, no, is it too late?!
It's like if someone gave the drunk texts you sent to your ex a production budget.
He's gonna be so embarrassed when he sobers up.
Back in 1972, Italian director Bernardo Bertolucci gave us Last Tango in Paris, because what the world really needed was to see an aging Marlon Brando have boatloads of sex with 19-year-old Maria Schneider. In the movie's most infamous scene, Brando forces himself on Schneider, pinning her to the floor and yanking down her jeans before lubricating her anus with a generous dollop of fancy French butter and anally raping her. If there were an Oscar for "most convincing depiction of being ass-raped by Don Corleone," Schneider would've taken it hands down. Mostly because her reaction in the scene was 100 percent genuine.
In a 2013 interview, Bertolucci revealed that he and Brando had dreamt up the butter scene the very morning it was filmed, as they sat at breakfast and stared at a pat of butter on the table between them. Since Bertolucci wanted Schneider to "feel, not to act, the rage and the humiliation," the two men didn't let her in on the details. Instead, she walked onto set with a man whom she considered "a father figure," and the next thing she knew he was aggressively shoving his buttery finger up her ass.
Now, Bertolucci made it clear that the sex act that followed was simulated ... but there is no sane world upon which manually buttering up someone's butthole is not "a sex act." In fact -- and we apologize in advance for suddenly going full English teacher -- for the benefit of Bernardo Bertolucci, and Marlon Brando's ghost, here is the dictionary definition of rape:
"... unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim."
Plus you just never get dairy in the butthole. That's like Butthole 101.
Zachary Frey is a sophomore at Cornell University. You can read his 10 most recent articles here.
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