When young Mark Allen Sanders failed to satisfactorily repeat his list, Hamm grew "mad, I mean really mad." Together with four of his frat brothers, Hamm shoved Sanders' face in the dirt, paddled him in the goddamned kidneys, and led him around like a dog (except not really, because only a psychopath would lead their dog around via a claw hammer hooked to the taint). Then, like fine French chefs, the frat brothers set Sanders' pants on fire and served up his testicles en flambe.

Unsurprisingly, Sanders checked into the hospital and quietly checked out of enrollment at the University of Texas. UT shut down its Sigma Nu chapter. The five perpetrators were charged with hazing, assault, and somehow making frat boys look even worse than usual.

Lighthearted Entertainment

Construction workers Brian Nelson, Adam Martin, and Joshua Angel approached the plane when Swayze -- by some reports so off his ass that he thought he'd successfully landed near his ranch in New Mexico -- hurriedly convinced them to dispose of "a 30-pack of Miller Lite, including eight empties, from the plane's wing compartment, and an open bottle of Chimney Rock Cabernet Sauvignon from the cockpit." (This good deed would earn each of the misguided Samaritans misdemeanor charges.) Then Swayze bummed a ride into town from a fourth worker, where he would spend the next 12 hours actively ignoring calls from Federal investigators -- conveniently, the perfect amount of time to render a sobriety test completely worthless.

And here's the kicker: Two short days after the latter conviction, the star was spotted ordering a drink -- his signature J&B Scotch Whiskey. It's a dangerous pattern that, if not kept in check, will unquestionably lead to a tragic death or, even scarier, a country music career. Oh god -- oh god, no, is it too late?!

It's like if someone gave the drunk texts you sent to your ex a production budget.

He's gonna be so embarrassed when he sobers up.

In a 2013 interview, Bertolucci revealed that he and Brando had dreamt up the butter scene the very morning it was filmed, as they sat at breakfast and stared at a pat of butter on the table between them. Since Bertolucci wanted Schneider to "feel, not to act, the rage and the humiliation," the two men didn't let her in on the details. Instead, she walked onto set with a man whom she considered "a father figure," and the next thing she knew he was aggressively shoving his buttery finger up her ass.

United Artists

Now, Bertolucci made it clear that the sex act that followed was simulated ... but there is no sane world upon which manually buttering up someone's butthole is not "a sex act." In fact -- and we apologize in advance for suddenly going full English teacher -- for the benefit of Bernardo Bertolucci, and Marlon Brando's ghost, here is the dictionary definition of rape:

"... unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim."

Plus you just never get dairy in the butthole. That's like Butthole 101.

Zachary Frey is a sophomore at Cornell University. You can read his 10 most recent articles here.

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