We humans seem programmed to be overly forgiving of people we admire, particularly celebrities. A high-profile movie star strangled an entire litter of Samoyed puppies while masturbating furiously? We'll forget about it the instant he makes a Batman movie we like.
7Steve Jobs Swore He Was Infertile In Order To Deny Paternity Of His First Daughter
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Steve Jobs is the man who was once played by Ashton Kutcher in a movie, and is responsible for creating the device you are probably reading this article on. Prior to the recent rash of biopics, however, Jobs' private life was, for the most part, private. And the more we find out about it, the more we think that was because the dude was sort of a weirdo.
Take his relationship with Chrisann Brennan. When the two moved into a house in Cupertino together in 1977, Jobs refused to share a bedroom with her, taking a small bedroom at the front of the house for himself and granting her the master. Then, a month later, he shoved all her shit out and took over the master bedroom himself, because apparently Jobs only enjoyed owning things he acquired in a hostile takeover.
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"iSee, iWant, iTake."
The couple split soon after Brennan became pregnant, and when she gave birth to a daughter, Lisa, in May of 1978, Jobs was having none of it. For two full years, he vehemently denied that he was her father, even going so far as to submit sworn court documents that he couldn't possibly be the father because he was infertile (he was not). Even though Jobs was decades away from becoming one of the world's richest people, back in 1978, he was still a millionaire. Allowing your first daughter to be raised on welfare and a waitress income while you're wearing only the lushest polyester and jamming to the finest eight-track polyphonic stereo that money can buy is a dick move, Apple Man.
After a lawsuit forced him into a paternity test, Jobs had to reimburse the state for its welfare costs to the tune of 500 bucks a month -- which, when you are Steve Jobs, is the financial equivalent of a mouse fart. He eventually struck up a relationship with Lisa in 1986 (when she was eight years old, and only after being sued into admitting he was her father), supporting her on and off throughout the years. In her own words, "Growing up I'd been very poor, very rich, and sometimes in the middle." For her part, Lisa's mother tried to get $25 million out of Jobs with the most polite extortion letter ever written:
6Steven Tyler Took Legal Custody Of The Teenager He Was Banging, May Have Pressured Her Into Aborting Their Child
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While today he's most recognized as a prettier, more flamboyant version of your grandmother, back in the mid-'70s, Steven Tyler was navigating the Aerosmith ship over the massive waves of success brought on by smash hits like "Dream On." But Tyler wasn't just in it for the fame; right around the time Aerosmith was hitting the big time, he reached deep into his heart to take legal custody of a troubled underage fan ... so that he could have approximately all of the sex with her.
Julia Holcomb had a tragic past. Her father was a gambler with abandonment issues, she was a passenger in the car crash that killed her brother and grandfather, and her mother had a history of choosing less-than-stable stepfathers. So it's understandable that, shortly after a 14-year-old (according to Tyler) or 15-year-old (according to her) Julia met Tyler backstage at an Aerosmith concert, her mother readily signed over custody to the rock star. And by "understandable," we mean "completely irresponsible and totally nuts."
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Keep in touch with Mama Kin.
But Julia's mother wasn't about to start making decisions that were in her daughter's best interest now, and so the young teen spent three years living with Tyler, a skeletal sex wizard. As you may suspect, this arrangement did precisely nothing to soften the tragedies of her life. According to Julia, a profusely coked-up Tyler "convinced" her to have children with him by tossing her birth control pills off a balcony. Then, once she became pregnant, he took off on tour, leaving her all alone in his Boston apartment. Then the apartment caught fucking fire, with Holcomb barely managing to survive by crawling into a fireplace (which it seems was the last place the fire thought to look for her). Then, while she was in the hospital recovering, Tyler allegedly spent a full hour pressuring her to abort her five-month pregnancy (which, if you recall, was achieved in the first place by Tyler confiscating her birth control and casting it into the wind), finally convincing her by threatening to send her home to her mother. Having gotten his way, Tyler, riding a balloon of cocaine up into the stratosphere, sat down and watched the doctors carry out the procedure.
Holcomb went on to happily marry another man and become a mother of seven. Tyler went on to feature his teenage daughter in an overtly sexual music video.
"Walk This Way," but only if "this way" is at least a thousand yards from the nearest school.
Now, it's important to note that Tyler's version of events -- namely, that Holcomb was a repeated-abortion-having sexual pincushion -- was written with the intent of achieving bestseller status, while Holcomb's version was published on a website with an obvious pro-life political agenda. So the whole truth probably lies somewhere in between. Still, when you're placing someone on a scale from "massive douche" to "the black douche-hole at the center of the galaxy," you're really splitting hairs.